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0 of 3 Premium Clicks used this month SUBSCRIBE Print + Online Subscriber Activation | Register x Forgot Password | Need an Account? subscribe | newsletter | deals Classifieds Jobs Autos Real Estate FEATURED » NEWS NOW Our view: The wolves' way ... Readings of new plays by local playwrights featured ... Ticket availability ... Our view: The wolves' way ... Readings of new plays by local playwrights featured ... Ticket availability ... Dr. Elaine Heffner: Do mothers take the brunt of disrespect? Comment By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now DailyTidings.com By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted Mar. 10, 2015 at 12:01 AM By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted Mar. 10, 2015 at 12:01 AM » Social News In a conversation with a mother of a teenager, she reported that her son was complaining about the disrespectful way some of his peers talked to each other. She pointed out to him that some of his examples sounded a lot like the way he talks to her at times. His response was, “That’s different – you’re my mother.” The implication was that talking to mom meant being able to say anything you please. Many parents complain that their children are not respectful. Is this a gender issue or has it to do with the nature of the relationship between mother and child? Mothers generally say children listen better to, and are less likely to defy, their fathers. On the other hand, many fathers also complain about lack of respect from their children. Significant social changes have had an impact on parent/child relationships. Many mothers work full time and are not the primary caregivers for their children. More than ever before, fathers are primary caregivers or much more involved with the care of their children. Nevertheless, in general mothers carry their babies in their bodies and experience a close connection to them, especially if they are nursing. There is disagreement about the role of biology in the mother/child relationship. To whatever degree biology plays a role, the early bond is strong. Beyond that, mother is most often both the first gratifier of needs and source of frustration. The reality is that life in the real world instead of the womb imposes some frustration. Little by little babies face expectations that differ from their wish for total gratification. Both gratification and frustration get attached to mother. Some have speculated that this dual role played by the mother in infancy and early childhood is the source of hostility or ambivalence to women generally. Be that as it may, mothers are often seen as more in touch with children’s needs and wishes while fathers are thought to be more demanding. The tie between mother and child is often an ambivalent one, presenting challenges in achieving separation. The feeling that you can talk to your mother any way you wish may be due to the idea of unconditional love connected to the “good mother” ideal. For some children, disrespectful language or behavior may actually be a way of testing whether or not they are loved unconditionally. Some mothers feel they should accept such behavior to demonstrate to a child that he or she is loved in that way. Part of the problem lies in the difficulty of distinguishing between feelings and behavior. When children encounter disapproval for their behavior they are known to say that parents don’t love them. Mothers tend to be vulnerable to the expression of such feelings. In part because of the strong feelings they do have for their children but also a misguided idea of being a “good” mother. Part of our role as parents is to teach children to behave appropriately. To fill that role a mother – or father – should be prepared to accept a child’s hostility as well as love. Children don’t like being corrected – most adults don’t either. So we may strive to teach and correct in a way that enables our children to hear us. Speaking to parents disrespectfully is not acceptable. The same is true of the way we, as parents, talk to our children. We need to monitor ourselves as we correct our children. Neither mothers – nor fathers – should get the brunt of the unacceptable expression of feelings by their children. We can respect the feelings while rejecting the disrespect. Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She has appeared on PBS, ABC, Fox TV and other networks. Dr. Heffner is the author of “Goodenoughmothering: The Best of the Blog,” as well as “Mothering: The Emotional Experience of Motherhood after Freud and Feminism.” She is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private practice, as well as a senior lecturer of education in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. Dr. Heffner was a co-founder and served as director of the Nursery School Treatment Center at Payne Whitney Clinic, New York Hospital. And she blogs at goodenoughmothering.com. By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now DailyTidings.com By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted Mar. 10, 2015 at 12:01 AM » Comment or view comments Reader Reaction » STAY INFORMED Email NewsLetter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. Southern Oregon Directory Featured Businesses Loading... 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