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0 of 3 Premium Clicks used this month SUBSCRIBE Print + Online Subscriber Activation | Register x Forgot Password | Need an Account? e-edition | subscribe | newsletter | deals Classifieds Jobs Autos Real Estate FEATURED » NEWS NOW Our View: Appearance matters, even for government buildings ... Head and boulders above the rest ... J'ville planner at 'flash point' turns in resignation ... Our View: Appearance matters, even for government buildings ... Head and boulders above the rest ... J'ville planner at 'flash point' turns in resignation ... Dr. Elaine Heffner: Big changes in little kids Comment By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now MailTribune.com By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted Nov. 25, 2014 at 12:01 AM By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted Nov. 25, 2014 at 12:01 AM » Social News “I feel as though I have lost my sweet, good little boy,” a teary eyed mother said to me recently referring to her 2-year-old. Her upset was a response to a change in his behavior. Having been an easy-to-manage child, he now was refusing to go along with requests made of him and having meltdowns when he wasn’t given what he wanted. Many parents have experienced similar feelings about children in the same age range as this child. What is this about? Does some wicked witch descend during the night casting spells on good little boys? It often can feel that way to a parent, and in this situation, it was the mother herself who was feeling like the wicked witch. There was a new baby brother and dad was temporarily working out of the state. His mother recognized that he was reacting to these changes and felt responsible for the fact that he was facing so much that was hard for him, while also feeling a sense of loss for the little boy he had been before. Although in part, this child’s behavior was the expression of his feelings about the changes around him, it was likely that the changes in him were more than just a reaction to those external changes. We forget that in addition to getting older, bigger and stronger, internal growth and change are also taking place. A big change is the drive toward autonomy. A major transformation occurs with physical mobility. The ability to walk means you can move around on your own – even run away from mom or dad. This is actually a developmental stage that children go through – testing out the possibility of going off on your own while turning to make sure mom is still there behind you; a first step in the process of later separation. Mobility can make a child feel powerful. But despite feelings of power, a child is not big enough, strong enough, or grown up enough to have his own way or get what he wants all the time – as children imagine grownups do – an upsetting realization. This early stage of separation is often a hard time, as children deal with the wish to be free of a parents constraints while still feeling dependent both on a parent’s care and a parent’s approval. These feeling are expressed in behavior that parents find upsetting and bewildering – behavior reflecting children’s own upset and bewilderment. It is behavior that leads parents to speak of the “terrible twos” because children can be loving and affectionate one minute, angry and defiant the next. Nothing you do will please them at that moment because the problem is not what you do, it is what they feel. In the situation described, there were many difficult realities confronting this child, but the reality factors were compounding his dilemma, not causing it as his mother feared. Of course, this did not make the behavior less difficult to live with but perhaps it could help the mother to know that she was not its cause. Also, he did not love her any less – it was just harder to show it at this particular time. The transition from cuddly, sweet babyhood to assertive and at times defiant behavior sometimes comes as a shock, leading parents to worry that something has gone wrong. It is important to remember that we parents are not the cause of everything a child does. He is becoming his own person, someone whose behavior we like some times better than others. That’s also how they feel about us. Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She has appeared on PBS, ABC, Fox TV and other networks. Dr. Heffner is the author of “Goodenoughmothering: the Best of the Blog,” as well as “Mothering: the Emotional Experience of Motherhood after Freud and Feminism.” She is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private practice, as well as a senior lecturer of education in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. Dr. Heffner was a co-founder and served as director of the Nursery School Treatment Center at Payne Whitney Clinic, New York Hospital. And she blogs at www.goodenoughmothering.com. By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now MailTribune.com By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted Nov. 25, 2014 at 12:01 AM » Comment or view comments Reader Reaction » STAY INFORMED Email NewsLetter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. Southern Oregon Directory Featured Businesses Loading... 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