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2 of 3 Premium Clicks used this month SUBSCRIBE Print + Online Subscriber Activation | Register x Forgot Password | Need an Account? e-edition | subscribe | newsletter | deals Home News Latest Stories Latino parents: More bilingual staff needed in Medford schools Medford man sentenced in home-invasion robbery Man says he shot girlfriend for nagging Rogue Valley police receive training in dealing with LGBTQ community Man faces attempted murder in Medford choking case Crime, Courts and Emergency Services Medford man sentenced in home-invasion robbery Man says he shot girlfriend for nagging Rogue Valley police receive training in dealing with LGBTQ community Man faces attempted murder in Medford choking case Grants Pass man pleads not guilty in stabbing Politics and Elections Ashland water bills could go up to fund watershed protection Pacific Connector Gas Pipeline opponents rally in Medford BREAKING: Baltimore prosecutor charges officers in Freddie Gray's death Earthquakes hit regularly in Medford (Oklahoma, that is) Medford School Board, Position 6: Curt Ankerberg vs. Janet Lightheart Education Latino parents: More bilingual staff needed in Medford schools Medford schools still filling admin roles Appeals court rules against Central Point schools on bus outsourcing Hedrick principal to take helm at North Medford High School More kindergartners vaccinated in 2015 Environment Ashland water bills could go up to fund watershed protection Crater Lake may soon have China connection State waives college placement tests for students who hit high marks Stopping fire in its tracks Pacific Connector Gas Pipeline opponents rally in Medford State News Governor Kate Brown signs bill expanding gun background checks Josephine County preps for more budget cuts Oregon winemakers say trade deal would help open up export markets Remains of soldier killed in 1951 to be buried in Roseburg Obama makes pitch on trade deal at Nike: 'Just do it' Nation - World There's a $10 million precious stone hidden in plain sight at Grand Central Obituaries In Loving Memory of Laura (Rucker) Hisamoto Donald Kent Hoyt "Donnie" Dickie Miles Hayes Thomas B. 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Our View: Cheers and jeers Our View: Set firm deadlines on blighted houses Letters to the Editor Letters to the Editor, May 11 Letters to the Editor, May 10 Letters to the Editor, May 8 Letters to the Editor, May 7 Letters to the Editor, May 6 Columns Kathleen Parker: Geller has the right, but commits speech abuse Guest Opinion: Oregon mothers need much more than flowers George Will: The gospel according to Huckabee Dana Milbank: A performance by Lindsey and the Jets Charles Krauthammer: Free Willy! Guest Opinions Guest Opinion: Oregon mothers need much more than flowers Guest Opinion: Child poverty and the Schneider Children’s Center Guest Opinion: Animal-killing program pulls wool over taxpayers' eyes Guest Opinion: Uniting to restore our sovereignty to we, the people Guest Opinion: This Earth Day, we celebrate the Northwest Forest Plan Lifestyle Latest stories Prudence Hilburn: Mexican-inspired dishes easy to make, delicious to enjoy Green roof gardens have several benefits Gardens: Simplicity, sanctuary, delight Furniture trends: Style and storage Community blog: Kids in Brewpubs....... Food Prudence Hilburn: Mexican-inspired dishes easy to make, delicious to enjoy Community blog: Kids in Brewpubs....... Community blog: Fruity french toast makes Mom's, or anyone's, day Community blog: Sorry, Mom, there's more than one beef stroganoff Community blog: Teatime is anytime when recipes brew new dishes Home and Garden Green roof gardens have several benefits Gardens: Simplicity, sanctuary, delight Furniture trends: Style and storage Home Help: Create the perfect outdoor kitchen space One-derful once-blooming roses Health Brent St. Germain: Weight loss goes to the dogs Community blog: Don't Fall for This Part 2 Health Watch: Easy tips to drink more water throughout the day New cardiac rehab center opens at Asante RRMC Community blog: You and Me at 83... Hiking Biking Faith Religion Briefs: Friday, May 8 Religion Briefs: Friday, May 1 Religion Briefs: Friday, April 24 Religion Briefs: Friday, April 17 Milestones and Achievements Bukair-Hinkle Wedding: Stephanie Anne Obad and Mark Douglass Schmor Ashland water bills could go up to fund watershed protection Drones helping create unique wedding photos Pick your favorite wedding flowers Columnist for a Day Rogue Healthy Aging Tempo Latest stories Flowers, art and music highlight Art in Bloom 5 picks for live entertainment Live Music in Local Clubs Peter Rowan, Big Sandy & His Fly-Rite Boys at Rootsfest Dancing People Company presents 'Salon Series' Theater REVIEW: Randall Theatre's 'Little Shop of Horrors' a rollicking good time REVIEW: Carson, Patton shine in 'Arsenic and Old Lace' Some Oregon Shakespeare Festival crew members seek to unionize Randall Theatre stages 'Little Shop of Horrors' 'Much Ado' at SOU Music Live Music in Local Clubs Peter Rowan, Big Sandy & His Fly-Rite Boys at Rootsfest The Farr Side: Mumford & Sons’ latest is full-on rock Tina Malia at SOU Music Hall in Ashland Earthquake benefit for Nepal Community Events 5 things to see at Art in Bloom Flowers, art and music highlight Art in Bloom Hip-Hop Poetry Open Mic at OSF's Black Swan in Ashland Ashland's First Friday Art Walk showcases new exhiits by regional artists Master Gardener Spring Fair at The Expo Movies Movie review: ‘Hot Pursuit’ is a hot mess George Miller returns to his ‘Mad Max’ roots Tom Hardy adapts to life as Mad Max Victor D. Infante: ‘Avengers’ begs the questions, ‘Why superheroes, and why now?’ Movie review: ‘Avengers: Age of Ultron’ has a lot going on Dining Restaurant inspections: May 10, 2015 Wood-fired pies at Peace of Pizza Trium is a classic example of a boutique winery Restaurant inspections, May 3, 2015 Taqueria Picaro offers casual Mexican cuisine Tempo Videos Classifieds Jobs Autos Real Estate FEATURED » Obits Blogs TV Listings Movie Listings Oregon Outdoors Oregon Healthy Living Special Sections Business Services NEWS NOW Medford man sentenced in home-invasion robbery ... Man says he shot girlfriend for nagging ... Rogue Valley police receive training in dealing with LGBTQ community ... Medford man sentenced in home-invasion robbery ... Man says he shot girlfriend for nagging ... Rogue Valley police receive training in dealing with LGBTQ community ... Dr. Elaine Heffner: Look me in the eye Comment By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now MailTribune.com By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted May. 4, 2015 at 8:17 AM By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted May. 4, 2015 at 8:17 AM » Social News The impact of technology on children is a source of much controversy these days, often the explanation for aspects of children’s behavior that people are concerned about. One author expressed unhappiness about the fact that children no longer shake hands and are averse to looking one in the eye. Somehow, this got connected to the idea that young people are spending so much time looking into screens that they were losing the ability to read non-verbal communication and learn other skills necessary for one-on-one interactions. Whether or not this is generally true is open to discussion. The question of children’s demeanor with adults, however, may have less to do with technology and more to do with other aspects of child-rearing. The phrase “look me in the eye,” sounds like a voice of authority belonging to an earlier era of child-rearing. Recently, in a group meeting of parents, questions were raised about dealing with various issues such as sleeping, eating, and generally managing behavior. The common theme in all the questions was how do I get my child to listen to me, to do what I want him or her to do? What emerged for a listener in the discussion that followed is that parents are struggling with questions of authority. The wish is, “I want my child to do what I say.” The question is, “How do I make him or her do that.” It is the second part that is the source of the problem, eliciting as it does, parental ambivalence. The ambivalence relates to what is perceived as the need for a method of enforcement. Many parents wish to use a “rational” approach but when frustrated by children’s lack of compliance have thoughts of more punitive responses. The kind of compliance parents wish for was accomplished in an earlier era through fear, stern disapproval, and punishment, including corporal punishment. Moreover, fear of and respect for authority was widespread, unlike today. That kind of authority was accorded parents and parents were supported in that role as it was the generally accepted mode of child-rearing. For various reasons, this model of child-rearing was rejected. The question became – and remains – what was to take its place? The result has been constantly changing theories and ideas about the “right” way to raise children. The search goes on for an approach that will produce earlier results without entailing earlier, rejected methods. The result of this confusion of feelings is that parents are often indecisive in their responses. At times they throw in the towel letting things go by; at other times they strike out in anger and then feel guilty. It often seems as though parent and child have changed places, with the child now in the position of authority, controlling the situation through behavior. The problem is that absent punitive consequences, what we must depend on to bring about desired behavior is education. We can’t “make” children listen. Instead, we have to teach children what we expect of them and teaching takes repetition and consistency, time and effort, often in short supply in this age of working parents and harried schedules. But also, parents have to stay in charge – not by acting like the boss but rather by setting expectations with confidence. We might like children to “do it because I say so” – which has the same tone as “look me in the eye when I talk to you” – but “doing it because I say so” requires first building cooperation and mutual respect. This is more challenging than being the feared authority figure but also ultimately more rewarding. Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She has appeared on PBS, ABC, Fox TV and other networks. Dr. Heffner is the author of “Goodenoughmothering: The Best of the Blog,” as well as “Mothering: The Emotional Experience of Motherhood after Freud and Feminism.” She is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private practice, as well as a senior lecturer of education in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. Dr. Heffner was a co-founder and served as director of the Nursery School Treatment Center at Payne Whitney Clinic, New York Hospital. And she blogs at goodenoughmothering.com. By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now MailTribune.com By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted May. 4, 2015 at 8:17 AM » Comment or view comments Reader Reaction » STAY INFORMED Email NewsLetter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. calendar Connect with MailTribune.com Facebook Twitter RSS Back to top Reader Services Reader Services Home Subscriptions Subscriber controls Contact us Submissions Photos Events Letters to the editor Corrections Announcements Obituaries Story ideas Since you asked Alerts Email Alerts RSS Feeds Text Alerts Advertise Media Kit Home Products and services Ad rates Advertising contacts Propel Marketing Mail Tribune Daily Tidings The Nickel Shop Our Valley Blogs Stay Informed Email newsletter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. 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