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http://www.omniture.com --> Sections Home Page Local News AP News Archives Business Classifieds Event Calendar Forums Life Opinion Obituaries Photo Gallery Readers Photo Gallery Sports Tempo Weather Special Coverage 2006 Britt Festivals --> Shop Our Valley AutoFinder HomeFinder JobFinder Search Our Valley Special Sections Homelife Magazine Joy Magazine Readers Choice 2006 Oregon Golf Info Oregon Wine Info Our Valley Other Publications Local Links Ashland News eSouthernOregon Newspapers In Education Personals Moving Here Movie Listings TV Listings Volunteer Customer Service Advertise With Us Media Kit Place Classified Ad Contact Us FAQ's Home Delivery Site Map --> Email Story to a Friend October 15, 2006 It's not easy, writing the meaning of life in today's modern world By BILL VARBLE Between the Lines He's out there, a mad copywriter, genius or psycho, saint or sinner, and he's writing fast and free, and nobody's editing. You know Xlibris? The print-on-demand publisher? You write it, you pay them, they print it if anybody wants it, which is pretty much never. People who pay Xlibris to digitally store their stuff buy marketing "packages" including bookmarks, postcards, posters, something called "1001 Ways to Market Your Books." Some packages include having a pitch for your book faxed to the newspapers. Why this should be is a mystery, since no book guy at a daily paper has ever reviewed one of these books not written by in-laws who were thinking of some day leaving him and his wife the cabin at the lake. Advertisement "You will have a difficult time being reviewed by newspapers," one Xlibris "author" wrote in unintentional understatement. After years of enabling Xlibris to support the recycling industry, I read one of the day's pile of faxes, I forget why. "Finding the meaning of our existence is a task that comes with great difficulty," it begins. We call that "the lead" (actually, we call it "the lede," but I'm not sure why). The lede's job is to make people want to read more. Is this the lede of a moron, or the disarming cleverness of a marketing master? I return to my box for pile of pitches. Many use statements that mixed grand, sweeping elements with low or trivial ones in what come off as either droll understatements or mischievous absurdities. "Life is beautiful and it must be treasured as much as possible in today's modern world," begins one. You don't see a phrase like "today's modern world" since the salad days of Monty Python. There are many of the "duh" persuasion, others just downright weird: "Since the arrival of industrialization, the natural scheme of the world has been altered drastically by human civilization to the point of uncertainty." "There is no denying that the choices we make always have an impact on others." "Stealing is universally known as a crime around the world and nothing justifies it as a valid act, but it happens every day, leaving a trail of victims." "Understanding the history of Christianity and human civilization has its limitations." You can't make this stuff up. But the question arises. Is there a genius humorist out there toiling as a POD marketer, amusing himself by masquerading as an unlettered bumpkin, faking ignorance of grammar, punctuation, rhetoric and common sense, all the while tossing off masterpieces of absurdist whimsy? "Nothing exciting ever happened in the peaceful little rural town of Overlook, N.H., in the foothills of the White Mountains," one lede reads. Every person who reads that knows that something exciting will happen, and it won't be peaceful. When I quit wetting my toes in the ledes I find myself adrift on the River of Really Inscrutable Prose. "'The Decline and Fall of Practically Everyone' is bound to motivate people to become primal persons, which would interest a lot of readers, especially parents who are concerned over their children's nurturance." Or: "After excessive eccentric behavior, which included extravagance and homosexuality, the Ludwig was locked in his bedroom." If only it could happen to the Donald. Or consider: "'And One for the Pot' is a rags-to-riches story of a poor gay Irishman, and the things he had to go through to find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow without the aid of ruby slippers." One imagines the author of these passages as a Zen master nudging us gently to higher awareness by leading us to the very limits of discursive thought via perfect little koans disguised as marketing. Either that or he's a dropout slacker with a broken spellchecker who turns the Phlegm Corpses up to 10 on his iPod as he works, sniffing glue without the aid of ruby slippers. Reach reporter Bill Varble at 776-4478 or e-mail [email protected] . Would you like to respond to this story? If so Click Here to visit our forums. Advertisement Copyright © 1997-2006 Mail Tribune, Inc. All rights reserved. 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