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- Subscribe - Contact Us - Rate Card - Place an Ad Archives Revels Classifieds Real Estate Guide Weather Subscribe Contact Us February 14, 2005 Got a parking ticket here? Just try getting through to Seattle. Lance Pugh Outsourcing. It has a nice, economical ring to it. You take a job that is the responsibility of someone you know, then get an offshore company, usually in India, to do it for less money. What you end up with, in the final analysis, is a way of not paying for health benefits, social security, workers' compensation, retirement and general human-resource charges in exchange for plausible deniability and anonymity. Nice touch, especially in a small town, which prides itself for a warm, down-home feeling. We could take a look throughout our city government and stand slack-jawed at how much work gets subcontracted, including consulting, polling and studies. There are too many items for this brief article, but I'm sure that some succulent examples of largess might soon find their way into print, for those of you who are concerned about how your money is being spent. Let's tiptoe through one of the many matters that our city now sends elsewhere. The first that comes to mind is our perennially popular parking enforcement. Now this gem is, ironically, outsourced to Diamond Parking Services, which is based in Seattle. Diamond Parking Service, which describes itself as "family owned and operated," manages more than 1,000 locations, including airports, hospitals, sports arenas, hotels, resorts, multi-level garages, surface locations and, of course, Ashland. It's a wonderful deal. They issue tickets strictly enforcing our ordinances, hiring kids who are given a number so that they don't have to give a name. Like it? It only gets better. Logic, reason and circumstances are rounded up, cuffed and tossed into a preventive detention. If your car is parked in, say, space 877, for over the posted time, a citation will be issued, regardless if a bank robber left it there, it's on fire or otherwise unable to be moved. If you're slumped over in the front seat, the car still gets a ticket. Medical emergencies aren't mentioned in the ordinances. The most troubling figure that a visitor and resident encounters is someone putting a ticket on their windshield. The person issuing said citation has no direct supervision that answers to elected officials, no discretion to factor in mitigating circumstances, in short, no link to the community. The result is the deployment of walking automatons. They purportedly represent our businesses, residents, institutions and government, yet only exist to find infractions. Knowledge of our town's history, culture and traditions is not required. It's almost as if they were being given their marching orders from some far distant place, which is exactly the case. We spend hundreds of thousands each year to entice people to visit and spend in Ashland, then do our absolute best to let our public interface, our town greeter and merry jester be a kid slaved to a tablet computer, instructed to write it up, even if it's wrong. If you want to contest your ticket, don't get the idea that it will be easy in any way. Per your citation, you must post bail regardless of any set of circumstances. Asteroids, nuclear war, Armageddon are regarded as tame as tea and toast. Force Majeur, that famous duck and cover clause of insurance companies, is taken out back and spanked. Your bail and your appeal letter must fit in an impossible small yellow envelope, then crammed into a microscopic opening in one of three yellow boxes placed around town. You may not deliver your bail and appeal to any living person. This is strictly prohibited, for reasons that will eventually become abundantly clear as you slash and hack your way through this article. Your bail and letter get shipped out of town for processing. If you dare attempt to call Diamond Parking Enforcement, you are cheerfully greeted by someone who defers all explanations to the municipal court, which might receive your letter if you are on Santa's gift list. Remember not to ask for the name of who you are speaking to, as they say they are allowed only to give you string of numbers, which, personally, I think they make up on the spot. Conversely, employees of the municipal court direct all enquires regarding citations to Diamond, resulting in a catch-22 circle of dodge ball that leaves the recipient of a ticket dizzy and delirious. Well, I think you get the drift. No, no and never. You are presumed guilty and treated accordingly, which, increasingly, seems to be a trend in these political times. So, if we're determined to take judgment out of the ticketing process, why not really get with the program. ... Have a company in Pakistan handle the enforcement. That way, if you press too hard, your chance of a vacation in a little hide-away in Cuba might not be so much of a distant dream. As to claiming that your car was overparked due to nuclear war, there would now be a parking enforcement official who would understand the nature of your complaint in the context of Pakistan's nuclear proliferation program, which, against all Diamond Parking Enforcement policies, has been given a free pass. Outsourcing: It's a diamond in the rough. Ashland writer and longtime resident Lance Pugh's new weekly column, "Essentially Ashland," draws upon his many years in the community to tell the untold tales of the city - or at least Lance's version of them. Look for "Essentially Ashland" Mondays on page 2 of the Daily Tidings. 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