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--> --> July 11: Santa Barbara: A town of highbrow homeless and Cones of Constipation By Larry Berteau SANTA BARBARA - The first thing a visitor notices when strolling along the harbor in Santa Barbara is there is no seagull dung. That doesn't mean there aren't seagulls, it's just that the City of Santa Barbara doesn't allow them to defecate. The city didn't exactly pass an ordinance, but instead exercised governmental fiat in a manner that makes Mussolini look like a wild-eyed freedom fighter. The city attached pointed hats to the top of all pilings in the harbor - to the point that the pilings all look like they were made to sit on a chair in the corner. Dunces, each and every one. These Cones of Constipation are too much for the tender feet of needy seagulls. They can't land. Consequently, they can't leave their deposits on the wharf walkways. The result, locals and tourists alike can walk barefoot if they like, free of concern over items most shorebirds leave behind. The city didn't stop there. No sir. The cones couldn't do the job all by themselves. On the peeks of every roof - be it a tony wharf restaurant, opulent hotel or the rain lid on a propane tank next to a squalid apartment - the Spikes Against Manure (SAM) have been strategically attached. SAMs are needle-like appendages, all in a row, that would make a seagull landing look more like a dive into a Waring blender. They hover menacingly over every peek and tower, daring the shore birds to enter their teeth of terror. The result of the Cones and the SAMs is that the birds of the harbor fly with their legs crossed, in unceasing consternation over their horrible plight: to have migrated to this particular town. It wasn't difficult to imagine Heathcliffe and Gertrude, flapping along in constipational concern, carrying on the following conversation. Heathcliffe: But Gertie, I gotta go. Gertrude: Well, you'll just have to flap down to Ventura. I told you to go before we left. Heathcliffe: But, we left the nest two years ago. Gertrude: Tough. Show some self-control. Look at this beautiful town we live in. Count your blessings. Heathcliffe: You know I can't count without my toes. Gertrude: Then use them. Heathcliffe: I can't. They're tucked in around my tailfeathers. And by the way, why don't you have to go? Gertrude: I already did. Heathcliffe: Where, for Neptune's sake? Gertrude: On top of the vanilla ice cream cone of that tourist from Ashland. Heathcliffe: Solid. Gertrude: Mostly. ·   ·   · The next thing that stands out about Santa Barbara is the highbrow class of hobos that inhabit this haute haven. My wife - the woman of boundless good humor - and I took on a particular homeless chap over the course of our week's holiday in Santa (House of SAM) Barbara. We never got his name, that would have been too familiar in the hobo world, but he was definitely a highbrow in that itinerant terrain. He read a novel a day. During our week he was plowing through the Robert Ludlum library. He also had a dog - a purebred shitzu - that went by the name of Char and served as the brand for his panhandling. The sign on the shopping cart told the tale: Help Out a Homeless Dog. And Char was up to the task. At any sign of an approaching tourist, Char bounded out from behind the cart, tongue trailing in a half-starved fashion, rolled over on his back and bared his tangled tummy hair for a pat. Meeting the literary lad and his foil on the first day, we immediately cut short our dinner that night, saving precious orts for Char. On Day 2 we strolled by Char's spot, but they weren't there. Undeterred, we brought our offering the third day, and there they were. When told we were available the day before but couldn't find them, the chap replied in perfect seriousness: "I was beat. I took the day off." Now that's class. Needless to say, Char got his tri-tip, his master's cup got a good tip, and we tripped on down the street, basking in our new friendship, the marvelous holiday, and the unusual site known as Santa Barbara - with and without shitzu. Larry Berteau is editor of The Tidings. Email your... Technical questions & comments to: WebMaster Daily Tidings editorial comments & questions to: Editor Visit our other Oregon Newspapers... | Albany Democrat-Herald | Ashland Daily Tidings | Corvallis Gazette-Times | | Lebanon Express | Newport News-Times | Springfield News | Cottage Grove Sentinel | Ashland Daily Tidings 1661 Siskiyou Blvd. Ashland, OR 97520 Telephone 541-482-3456 © Copyright 2001 Lee Northwest Publishing