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--> --> Simon says: Where are the perfume detectors By Roger Simon SIMON SAYS: When is the last time you saw a half dollar? Being a maitre de is one of the few jobs where they pay you to be rude. No man is so embarrassed as when he has to hold his wife's purse. How come tuxedo pants never have cuffs? For those people who don't like all this new airport security, I've got a suggestions for them: Take THE train. There is no security at all that I noticed on Amtrak. No luggage searches, no metal detectors, no ID checks. I could have had plutonium in my suitcase for all they cared. Who thought up aluminum foil? Who decided, "Gee, it would be a good idea to wrap up food in thin sheets of metal." And how come there isn't any steel foil or copper foil? Tropical fish are a lot more trouble and a lot more fun than you think. Do you get the feeling there are about a dozen more Enrons out there just waiting to happen? And speaking of Enron, I think President Bush should promise right now not to pardon any of the Enron executives. Talk magazine has folded. Don't feel bad if you never heard of it. It was supposed to be very hip, but instead it was very dull. And after losing about $40 million, its backers pulled the plug. So what did the publisher blame things on? "It was unquestionably precipitated by 9-11," he said. This guy ought to be ashamed. The invention of the electronic yellow "first-down" line has revolutionized football on TV. You can tell a lot about a person by whether she prefers her orange juice cold in the morning or at room temperature. Admit it: You didn't even bother with New Year's resolutions this year. Nobody I know has ever figured out how to set the alarm on a hotel clock radio. To understand the trouble that the Arthur Andersen accounting firm now faces, you have to understand this old joke: A corporate president is interviewing accountants. "What is two plus two?" the president asks the first accountant. "Four," comes the reply, "Can't use you," says the president. Second accountant comes in, and the president asks the same question. "Five," the second accountant says. "Can't use you," says the president. Third accountant comes in and gets asked the same question: What is two plus two? "Whatever you want it to be," he answers. "Hired!" says the president. If you order bottled water in a restaurant, it should always be opened in front of you. Otherwise, they are probably filling it from the tap. I don't care if "A Beautiful Mind" isn't accurate. It's still a beautiful movie. Is it just me, or is the Internet not as much fun as it used to be? When are trains going to wise up, follow safety recommendations and enclose those overhead luggage racks? In the future, cell phones will be embedded in our skulls and we will dial by tapping our teeth with our tongues. Why does snow seem to make everything so quiet? Why do I have the feeling that we should all be cashing in our frequent flier miles before some big name airlines turn belly up? Those televised Hollywood award shows have started an awful new trend: long ties instead of bow ties with tuxedoes. If anybody uses the phrase "very unique" in conversation, you know you are talking to a moron. People who take flash pictures in restaurants ought to be beaten with sticks. Another million dollar idea I am giving away for free: a spray for homes and apartments that don't have fireplaces but the owners want the smell of a crackling fire. What was the greatest invention ever? Eyeglasses. That's because they demonstrated for the first time in human history that the human body could be improved upon and you didn't have to be satisfied with the "natural" state of things. There are smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors, so how come there are no "too much perfume" detectors? Roger Simon is a syndicated columnist for the Baltimore Sun. Email your... Technical questions & comments to: WebMaster Daily Tidings editorial comments & questions to: Editor Visit our other Oregon Newspapers... | Albany Democrat-Herald | Ashland Daily Tidings | Corvallis Gazette-Times | | Lebanon Express | Newport News-Times | Springfield News | Cottage Grove Sentinel | Ashland Daily Tidings 1661 Siskiyou Blvd. Ashland, OR 97520 Telephone 541-482-3456 © Copyright 2001 Lee Northwest Publishing