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May 19 , 2004 - Subscribe - Contact Us - Rate Card - Place an Ad Valley&State Backpage O&E Sports Archives Classifieds Faith&Beliefs Obituaries Revels February 19, 2004 Writing the Pine Making a stand, for the good of mankind Joe Zavala As the president of the United States continues to defend his decision to invade Iraq, another recent development has also taken the nation by storm. While the explosion of this controversial issue upon American's consciousness may not threaten national security, it has the potential to rock the fragile social infrastructure we've created, pushing our very foundation off its steep perch and into an endless void of anarchy and chaos the depths of which our feeble minds could not possibly comprehend. I'm talking, of course, about last week's release of the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Babes in boyland Once a year, the oft-honored sports publication puts out the pictorial, stock full of gorgeous models in bikinis so that men everywhere may plow through it right before Valentine's Day, just in time to discover - then purchase for their significant other - the hot new bathing suit everybody's talking about. This time honored tradition is usually met with ire from various feminists groups, whose stance against the magazine can be boiled down to two numbers with periods after them. 1. Peddling beautiful young women in bathing suits perpetuates a rampant, media-stamped standard that the average woman cannot possibly live up to (this opinion makes the depressing assumption that the average female is neither young nor beautiful). 2. The issue has really nothing to do with showing off the latest fashions: It's just an excuse make money, and objectifies women in the process. This viewpoint has troubled me, so prior to this year's swimsuit edition arrival I set out to settle this matter once and for all. After analyzing each and every previous issue through hypnotic age regression techniques, pixel by pixel in painstaking detail, I came to the following conclusion: Those feminist groups are absolutely correct. Despite years of flipping through swimsuit issues, I possess almost no practical knowledge of swimwear, beachwear or, for that matter, summer clothes in general. In fact, I haven't the foggiest idea what makes a good bathing suit other than it staying on as you exit the water (a requirement, furthermore, often not met by the suits featured in Sports Illustrated). It's almost as if I wasn't even looking at the swimsuits. The solution Having reached this conclusion, I decided to take a stand. I would not even open this year's swimsuit issue, since doing so would support the exploitation of women, particularly gorgeous, voluptuous hotties whose only ambition in life is to become the fantasy of every living male while stuffing Swedish bank accounts and frolicking across white sand beaches in tropical island paradises the world over. Sure enough, when I went to go check my mailbox Saturday, there it was. Now I won't lie - the urge to further research the matter was definitely there, but I'm proud to say I held fast to my convictions, which pleased my wife greatly as I walked in with the magazine. "What's that behind your back?" she said. In the end, I feel my sacrifice was well worth it. And while I understand one boycott may not make much of a difference in the grand scheme of things, it is my hope that some day, other men across the country who feel the same way I do will also choose to just say "no" to scantily clad models. Eventually, literally hundreds of men from coast to coast will have made their ill feelings toward the swimsuit issue known, and the big wigs at SI will have to take notice. Until that day, I will continue to champion this cause, even if that means I have to fight off scores of oily, rock hard bikini women every minute of every day for the rest of my life. I'm willing to make that sacrifice Zavala DailyTidings.com Home Page Valley&State | Backpage | O&E | Sports | Archives | Weather | Classifieds Columnists | Faith&Beliefs | Obituaries | Revels | Subscribe | Contact Us Copyright 2004 Ashland Daily Tidings and Ottaway Newspapers All Rights Reserved Site Search: .:Advertisements:. RESOURCES - Mail Tribune News - ODOT Road Cams