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--> --> Dec. 7: A `full nudity' video game leaves us longing for Pong By Ned Hickson Anyone who remembers Pong and Space Invaders will likely agree that they were the last of the truly great video games. They marked the real "golden age" of video games because, back then, you didn't need a pace-maker and four hands in order to play. In fact, with Pong, you didn't need ANY hands. That's because once you set the little rectangular paddles directly across from each other on the TV screen, the ball would bounce back and forth between them until you either moved one of the paddles, were hypnotized into submission, or the screen exploded. (This eventually became known as the pause feature.) I actually knew someone who set his paddles to pause, then went out for a hot dog and was struck by a runaway Mini Cooper while eating a polish sausage in front of Der Wienerschnitzel. He spent the next 10 years in a coma, plus three more years going through grueling physical therapy before he was finally able to leave the hospital and resume a normal life. When he got back to his apartment after being gone for more than a decade, he was amazed to find that ... You guessed it! He'd been robbed of everything but his Pong game and an exploded TV set. Back in 1992, my wife bought me a Sega for Christmas. Her thought was that it could help me wind down at the end of the work day by providing me with some mindless activity. However, she began to grow uncomfortable after finding me, on several occasions, sitting in front of the TV drooling on my joy stick. In spite of how this might sound, I was merely in a state of total relaxation that required all of my focus while navigating through a series of perils that served to fuel an all-consuming obsession to reach the final level and kill the evil Dr. Whatshisname by detonating his entire nuclear arsenal! Needless to say, she returned the device a week later and exchanged it for a foot massager. Ten years later, we're still no closer to buying another video game system for our home. This is because 1) they're even more intense than they used to be thanks to 2) even more realistic graphics that 3) have naturally led to the first full-nudity video game. (And by "full-nudity," I don't mean sitting naked in the living room playing Mortal Kombat.) According to Acclaim Entertainment. Inc., they have just introduced bmx xxx, which features full-nudity action involving bike stunts, prostitutes, pimps and (I'm not making this up) copulating pink poodles. Exactly how poodles fit into the mix, I don't know. Nor do I WANT to know. But I can tell you that you won't find this game at KB Toys, Wal-Mart or Toys R Us. That's because each of these stores has taken a very strong stand by refusing to stock this game due to its graphic nature. "At some point you have to draw the line," said a store spokesman. "And unless they change the color of those poodles, we won't be carrying it." As a consumer, I have to wonder where the demand for this type of product comes from, particularly when it's so easy to find REAL naked people on the internet without even trying. Just yesterday, I was innocently searching for some coloring book pages to print up for my son, when all of a sudden-HELLO UNCLE FRISKY!-My search for Barney's Playhouse pulled up something that I'm pretty sure WASN'T a dinosaur, but still would've taken a lot more purple crayon than you normally get in a box of Crayolas. My point is this: I'd like everyone to start saying hello uncle frisky! whenever they're surprised by something. No, my real point is that the introduction of full-nudity video games can only lead to one thing, and that's the introduction of full-nudity Pong-which sounds harmless enough. Until you see the paddles. Ned Hickson writes for the Siuslaw News and can be reached at [email protected] . Email your... Technical questions & comments to: WebMaster Daily Tidings editorial comments & questions to: Editor Visit our other Oregon Newspapers... | Albany Democrat-Herald | Ashland Daily Tidings | Corvallis Gazette-Times | | Lebanon Express | Newport News-Times | Springfield News | Cottage Grove Sentinel | Ashland Daily Tidings 1661 Siskiyou Blvd. Ashland, OR 97520 Telephone 541-482-3456 © Copyright 2001 Lee Northwest Publishing