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INNER PEACE When the grieving happens before the passing Comment By Ellen Gardner DailyTidings.com By Ellen Gardner Posted Jan. 16, 2015 at 7:01 PM By Ellen Gardner Posted Jan. 16, 2015 at 7:01 PM » RELATED CONTENT Share your Inner Peace --> The Ashland Daily Tidings invites residents of the Rogue Valley to submit articles on all aspects of inner peace, including intuition, inner guidance, mind t... » Read more X Share your Inner Peace The Ashland Daily Tidings invites residents of the Rogue Valley to submit articles on all aspects of inner peace, including intuition, inner guidance, mind training, courage, fearlessness, forgiveness of self or others, honesty, gentleness, humor, open mindedness, friendship, tolerance, trust, faith, kindness, gratitude, overcoming and/or accepting life’s challenges of addictions, loss, grief, pain, awareness of presence and more. Send 600- to 700-word articles to Sally McKirgan, [email protected] . • Going with the flow of change • Consenting to receive yourself just as you are • Inner Peace: Being in conscious presence or peacefulness » Social News Miss Me — But let me go When I come to the end of my road and the sun has set for me. I want no rites in a gloom-filled room why cry for a soul set free? — Edgar A. Guest I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on inner peace. For the past several years I have had very little of it. This may sound odd, but the transition from torment to peace has come with my husband’s death.  How can I express the sadness of losing a relationship when the person you love is still living? When the strong emotional attachment becomes one-sided? When physical attraction is replaced by the necessity to provide custodial care and you become a caregiver instead of a wife? Not to sound callous, but seeing the person you love lose his personhood, lose his ability to think, to converse, to feed himself, to swallow; seeing him bedridden and in pain and knowing he will never recover, makes you pray for his passing, for his release.  My husband’s illness was a long one, one that was not always evident to other people, or even to us in the beginning. We told ourselves that his problems were physical, that the next operation would fix things. And then the next. We told ourselves that everybody has memory lapses, that everybody makes mistakes. We told ourselves that the missed appointments, the water left running, the getting lost were just things that happen to older people.  When friends and family visited, he managed to appear as he always had: charming and talkative. Alone with me, there was no conversation. He repeated questions over and over and over. Things like managing our finances and paying bills, which he had always taken care of, fell to me. But it wasn’t the extra responsibilities that rankled me; it was not being able to share. Not being able to enjoy a movie together, or to talk about what was going on with him. Not having him care about anything.  I was losing my husband in slow motion. And as he changed, so did I. At first I was in denial, secretive, not wanting people to know about his dementia or how hard it was for me. We stopped seeing other couples and my social life narrowed to my women friends. If I traveled, I did it alone.  I found relief in a group of folks all of whom were caring for someone with dementia. It helped so much to talk with people who understood. When I eventually hired in-home help, it was both empowering and painful. I could see my husband’s affections shift away from me and to his caregiver.  Placing him in a care facility shattered me. I felt like I had betrayed him. For months I grappled with the idea of bringing him home, but each visit reinforced my earlier decision. He had turned into someone I no longer knew, and seeing him scared me. I never knew what to expect. He might be docile and loving, he might turn violent, or he might be totally unresponsive.  As I sat with him on his final day, holding his hand, I prayed for his release and for mine. Now that he is no longer in pain, neither am I. I miss the man I married, but my grieving had run its course before his death. Now I am ready, anxious even, to live life again. I think that is inner peace.  Ellen Gardner lives in Talent. Her recent book, "Veda," the story of her mother’s life, is available locally and through Amazon. com. www.vedaanovel.com.   By Ellen Gardner DailyTidings.com By Ellen Gardner Posted Jan. 16, 2015 at 7:01 PM » Comment or view comments Reader Reaction » STAY INFORMED Email NewsLetter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. Southern Oregon Directory Featured Businesses Loading... 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