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- Subscribe - Contact Us - Rate Card - Place an Ad Valley&State Backpage O&E Sports Archives Classifieds Faith&Beliefs Obituaries Revels July 30, 2004 Being told that you can find self esteem is the equivalent of being handed a burlap sack and then sent on a snipe hunt by your camp counselor. By Chris Honore Tidings Correspondent We're told, constantly, definitively, that self esteem is out there, and if we search hard enough we'll find it. And when we do, we can make it our own and not feel, well, so uncertain about who we are, meaning our personalities, our bodies, our competencies, and how we might appear to others. We're told that that niggling, tenacious, underlying sense of anxiety that we experience when interviewing for a job, giving a presentation to strangers, entering into a new relationship, having your job performance evaluated, riding in crowded elevators, will vanish once you've found and internalized self esteem. Not. See, here's the deal. Everyone who grew up in a family came out of that experience with self esteem that's the equivalent of a three-legged chair. There are no exceptions. Part of the human condition is that one's self esteem is rocky at best, and like the weather, subject to change. That's all of us. The reason? Families. Families are the great equalizer. They take self esteem and put it into the familial Cuisinart and hit blend. Just when you think you're getting your adolescence together, a family member will make sure that your zit of the week doesn't go unnoticed, or your new love handles are given the proper attention, or your geeky, dorky way of doing this or doing that is roundly critiqued. It just goes with the territory. Hence there is no one, contrary to all appearances and belief there isn't one person living that isn't a bundle of insecurity, however well disguised. Self doubt dogs every person on the planet. It's a permanent life condition (no matter what pop psychologists opine). Everyone starts with a family of sorts, and the only way to get around not being raised by a family, those folks who share the same roof, those individuals who seem determined to pass on their own weird bundle of insecurities to the nascent offspring, is to be raised in the wild by wolves. But even wolves have their alpha issues. Look, Madison Avenue, Mecca for advertising, figured out a long time ago that people were inherently insecure. And once armed with that insight asked themselves only one question: How can we use this knowledge to make a buck? They figured out that if they promised folks a self-esteem boost, sold them on the idea that if you buy, say, a nifty, sweet-smelling new car, well, consumers would feel better about themselves because the promise is that when you're in a new car you will be seen as being more attractive, alluring, even edgy - maybe even sexy. Whiter teeth, new clothes, better haircut, designer this and cutting edge that all work the same way. How else do you start a trend? Drug companies also have got this down really well. Have you noticed the drug ads that suggest that if you feel just a tad stressed in certain public places (places that would make any sane person ready to freak out), there's a pill you can take, one that will make you feel that living in a city with way too many people, sharing space with those who are experiencing more than their share road or sidewalk rage, is, well, cool. Not to worry. An extreme example of esteem builders are two reality television programs: "The Swan" and "I Want a Famous Face." In "The Swan," women are subjected to some very extensive plastic surgery. "Famous Face" is all about getting a nip here, tuck there, a new nose, chin, and you look like Sean Penn. OK, Brad Pitt. For the rest of your life. Like tattoos, all the rage, but it's no small thing and doesn't rinse out. Fact is, acceptance of oneself as a quirky, tic-prone, normal, functioning bundle of insecurities, that come and go like the tides, is, well, much healthier. It's why someone thought up Zen. There is no pitched battle that can be waged, no end run around the castle wall can be executed that will result in the integrated, harmonious sense of great and complete mental health. Never happen, not in this lifetime or the next. No car, haircut, clothes, piercing, university degree or tattoo will fundamentally alter one's self esteem. Truly. So, as they used to say in the '60s and for years thereafter: lighten up. Go with the flow. And if you need a new car, get a clunky hybrid. What's to worry? DailyTidings.com Home Page Valley&State | Backpage | O&E | Sports | Archives | Weather | Classifieds Columnists | Faith&Beliefs | Obituaries | Revels | Subscribe | Contact Us Copyright 2004 Ashland Daily Tidings and Ottaway Newspapers All Rights Reserved Click Here Site Search: .:Advertisements:. RESOURCES - Mail Tribune News - ODOT Road Cams