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--> --> June 20: Crusty curmudgeon and his old boots By Larry Berteau Curmudgeon - a surly, ill-mannered, bad-tempered person; cantankerous fellow (Webster's New World Dictionary of the American Language) I had to make certain there was no age requirement to attain curmudgeondom. What a relief it was to find out all I had to be was obnoxious and devoid of good manners. And, being boorish, uncouth, unpopular and dour didn't eliminate me either. Consequently, I accept the title. I will hereafter operate (until the end of this column, at least) under the guidelines of my new handle. Say goodnight, Cheetah Curmudgeons dislike virtually all modern notions - those things embraced by the masses with the drool associated with herding animals. Topping my list: TV commercials with trained monkeys. They're not funny, cute or effective. The last humorous monkey in film annals was Cheetah in Tarzan movies of decades gone by. (He was also the first funny monkey.) The only time monkeys are the least bit interesting is when they frolic behind bars at the zoo, inspecting their feces, picking fleas off each other, and swinging on bars as they battle their neuroses created by captivity. But that's it. They are miserable failures as pitchmen for products. They have ugly teeth. They don't look good in clothes. Their baleful, droopy eyes belong on a velour canvas on display outside a Volkswagen bus in a Kmart parking lot. It matters not that they're closely related to us, or vice versa. Every human has relatives not considered funny, forgivable or mentionable. So, let's cease with the TV primates, and relegate them to their natural state where they can be observed by scientists too unsavory to live in cities - or even in the French countryside. On being ironical The next big hit on the curmudgeon list - that comes with a bullet - is cloning. Those who would ban cloning - a list that would make a Rogue's Gallery look like a Norman Rockwell painting, including, but not limited to, pro-lifers, the president, Ayn Rand devotees, certain lawmakers and wild-eyed freaks who leer at doctors entering the back door of abortion clinics - believe it is nothing more than playing God. The irony of their position is enough to make us believe in irony, again - a practice that died in the 70s when Nixon resigned and bathtubs once again became a place to bathe as opposed to a convenient receptacle to tie-dye clothes to match cheap love beads. Isn't playing God exactly what these people do? Isn't the pro-life movement based on a view of God's intent? Cloning should be embraced by these knaves. The technological altering of nature is a requirement of human life. It's what got in the way of dragging cave women around by the hair, and allowed us to cook our food. Suffering is not a virtue. Cloning is a way to take the next great leap. And, it's a leap that anti-cloners - pro-lifers - should be hailing as their own. Yo-gurt: say it slowly I hate yogurt. It was never intended to be eaten. It's one of those things foisted on us by oh-so-clever advertising agencies and, presumably, food manufacturers and distributors. (Sort of like cowboy boots.) It's the consistency that's all wrong. Yogurt feels like stuff that belongs in tissue paper, or in brass spittoons - only it's congealed. Yogurt never goes bad. We must always be on the alert regarding such things. We don't trust rust, why should we go ga-ga over Yoplait? Which brings up an old frontier proverb - one that proves the curmudgeon exception: "Never step on spilled yogurt with cowboy boots, lest one day it returns the favor." Larry Berteau is editor of the Tidings. Email your... Technical questions & comments to: WebMaster Daily Tidings editorial comments & questions to: Editor Visit our other Oregon Newspapers... | Albany Democrat-Herald | Ashland Daily Tidings | Corvallis Gazette-Times | | Lebanon Express | Newport News-Times | Springfield News | Cottage Grove Sentinel | Ashland Daily Tidings 1661 Siskiyou Blvd. Ashland, OR 97520 Telephone 541-482-3456 © Copyright 2001 Lee Northwest Publishing