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Neal Simon: I'm finally ready to roll Comment By Neal Simon More Content Now MailTribune.com By Neal Simon More Content Now Posted Mar. 23, 2015 at 8:33 AM By Neal Simon More Content Now Posted Mar. 23, 2015 at 8:33 AM » Social News I never run out of column ideas, which is a comforting realization for a weekly opinion scribe. Regrettably, after many hours of intense self examination, four cups of coffee and a half-dozen trips to the bathroom, I had an epiphany. I realized that for all my good intentions, I’ll use almost any excuse to avoid actually sitting down at the computer keys and pounding out a column. Here are the top 10 things that kept my column from getting written this week: 10. It was Thursday. I have not written a column on Thursday since the Republicans shut the government down in the last Congress. Besides, the Dr. Answer-Expert column usually runs on Thursdays, and A-E’s talent is so massive, his piece usually leaves me too drained and depressed to be creative. 9. I have never eaten lobster, seen the Pacific Ocean in daylight, visited New York City, attended a Grateful Dead concert or kissed a Norwegian. None of that is particularly writing-related, but I feel like it needed to be shared. I feel much better now. 8. It’s Friday night. The Bonnies are playing Dayton in the A-10 quarterfinals, and UB is taking on Akron in the Mid-American Conference semis. March Madness is one giant distraction. Both games are intense, drawing all of my interest. Way too nervous to write, although I am not big fan of either school. The Bonnies lost (NIT bound?), Buffalo won. I’m good to go … 7. … Right after me and a close friend watch the special holiday episode of “Adventure Time” on Amazon Instant Video. “Adventure Time” is a bizarre, subversive, hilarious Cartoon Network show featuring Jake the human, Finn the dog, Princess Bubblegum, the Ice King, a penguin named Gunther, and too many other odd ball characters to name. After the final credits rolled by, I felt both rejuvenated and inspired. 6. Unfortunately, I also felt sleepy, seeing that it was 1 a.m. I don’t write well at all when I am asleep, although I have been told that my columns, when read aloud, will often induce sleep in listeners. 5. I can’t write when there is a parade marching down the street a few blocks away. In this case, it was the St. Patrick’s Day extravaganza in Hornell. All of the top movers and shakers in the Maple City were there: Mayor Hogan, Fire Chief Smith, Spock and that guy who plays the guitar in front of the United Presbyterian Church on Sundays. It was a great parade by the way, and a big thank you to everyone who participated. 4. I never write when I’m angry, and the Rich Lowry column on this page left me furious. There is just something about Iraq war-promoting, weapons of mass destruction-lying, unapologetic chicken-hawks like Cheney, Giuliani, Limbaugh and Lowry that gets me going. They are men who never miss an opportunity to promote American intervention while remaining a safe distance from the battlefields where young Americans will be maimed or killed. 3. (and 2.) I combined these because they both involve a long list of lame excuses that are really nothing more than delaying tactics: I’m out of soda, I swallowed my gum, I lost a contact lens, it’s raining, it’s too sunny, my feet hurt, there’s dirty dishes in the sink, SportsCenter is on. 1. I am afraid of success. Not exactly like the way I’m afraid of Michele Bachmann, my ninth-grade English teacher, Donald Trump’s haircut, mimes, silhouette lawn ornaments, olive loaf, sea turtles and purple balloons, but nevertheless, the prospect of genuine success is frightening. I am happy enough when a column I write generates some mild appreciation. Wonderful. Now all of that is out of the way. I am ready to write. Neal Simon is the city editor of the The Hornell Evening Tribune. By Neal Simon More Content Now MailTribune.com By Neal Simon More Content Now Posted Mar. 23, 2015 at 8:33 AM » Comment or view comments Reader Reaction » STAY INFORMED Email NewsLetter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. Southern Oregon Directory Featured Businesses Loading... 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