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3 of 3 Premium Clicks used this month SUBSCRIBE Print + Online Subscriber Activation | Register x Forgot Password | Need an Account? e-edition | subscribe | newsletter | deals Home News Latest Stories Missing teen Hannah Thomas-Garner found safe Public Meetings: March 9-13 Since You Asked: What are those wetland creatures in the creeks? Exercise helps special-needs kids adjust to airport procedures Emergency services, March 8 Crime, Courts and Emergency Services Emergency services, March 8 Jackson County searchers looking for missing man Emergency services, March 7 Emergency services, March 6 Arkansas man arrested for robbery in Medford Politics and Elections Ex-Merkley aide chosen as Oregon secretary of state Ashland: Budget increase, swimming pool funding discussion on council agenda Judge upholds Phoenix's moratorium on medical marijuana dispensaries Ballots on Jackson County marijuana tax go out Friday Brown's inauguration brings hope to local lawmakers Education Willow Wind students raise money for water District considers options to keep school tracks open, safe Ashland School District learns why its anti-bullying rating was low Ashland district rethinks transfer approval process MSD to save taxpayers nearly $10.5 million by refinancing Environment Catastrophic wildfires expected in Southern Oregon this summer The new normal under climate change? Lost Creek Lake algae bloom subsides Lost Creek Lake logjam could become hazard for boaters Made in the Shade State News Federal judge orders speedier Klamath wildlife refuge management plan Former Josephine County students sue school district over alleged abuse Ex-Merkley aide chosen as Oregon secretary of state Eastern Oregon dig uncovers ancient stone tool Team tracks new baby orca Nation - World Obituaries Joseph Elsworth William "Les" Mason Irene Meredith Barbara Anne Knuth Wolfe Howard Johnson Jr. Weather Photo Galleries Since You Asked Videos Web Cams Mail Tribune 100 Shareable Bank of America is predicting a massive Tesla collapse Mars One attracts science fiction geeks and people who hate society This $1 million Mercedes is like an armored private jet for the road Sports Latest Stories Comets Cruise Spartans win series, advance to semis Washington stuns No. 13 Utah, 77-68 T-Wolves snap Blazers' win streak, 121-113 Gutches wins fourth title, leads SOU to second Varsity 541 College Sports Washington stuns No. 13 Utah, 77-68 Gutches wins fourth title, leads SOU to second Raider relay team second at nationals Colorado stuns No. 8 Oregon State Four Raiders in semis at NAIAs Pro Sports T-Wolves snap Blazers' win streak, 121-113 Lowly Philadelphia knocks off Atlanta Ace helps Holmes expand Doral lead Spartans cruise to playoff victory Morgan's goal sparks 3-0 U.S. win Community Sports Business Latest Stories Business briefs: March 7 Blog: A Few of Our Favorite Places New construction prices jump 18.2 percent in Jackson County CEO Rieder leaving Erickson March 31 Harry & David announces new president Real Estate News Business briefs: March 7 New construction prices jump 18.2 percent in Jackson County People In Business People in Business: Feb. 28 People in Business Transportation CEO Rieder leaving Erickson March 31 Lodging gains bode well for travel industries Medford airport flies past January record Agriculture Harry & David announces new president Warm winter has fruit growers poised for action Briefcase: Business briefs for Feb. 21 Opinion Latest Letters to the Editor, March 8 George Will: Obama needs GOP to approve the TPP Dana Milbank: Hillary vs. Hillary Charles Krauthammer: Netanyahu's Churchillian warning Letters to the Editor, March 7 Editorials Our View: Cheers and Jeers Our View: Take it slow on legal marijuana Our View: Small climate steps add up to big ones Our View: Drawing back the curtain on government Other Views: Brown's list of challenges is lengthy Letters to the Editor Letters to the Editor, March 8 Letters to the Editor, March 7 Letters to the Editor, March 6 Letters to the Editor, March 5 Letters to the Editor, March 4 Columns George Will: Obama needs GOP to approve the TPP Dana Milbank: Hillary vs. Hillary Charles Krauthammer: Netanyahu's Churchillian warning Philip Maddocks: Homeland Security is prepared to let its protection of Congress run out after this week Matthew T. Mangino: Pennsylvania officials battle over possibility of rare execution Guest Opinions GUEST OPINION: Police, community should work to prevent profiling Guest Opinion: Don't overregulate Oregon's hemp industry Guest Opinion: Predatory banking practices bilk citizens Guest Opinion: Is less education the answer? Guest Opinion: Bill would shore up legal aid funding Lifestyle Latest stories Pet of the Week: Sunday, March 8 SOUTHERN OREGON JOURNAL: Beware the vacation club sales presentation 'Robotic Alice' as a future caregiver Growing Gardens, Growing Communities When silence gave way to noise Food Community blog: Airy mousse rivals ease of pudding from a box Page Onorato: Please don’t take my Goo Goo Clusters away Season Stepp: Celebrate Pi Day with these tasty pie recipes Tammy Kelly: Bring back the potatoes Pantry pride Home and Garden Dear Monty: Home seller seeks to start bidding war Paul Rogers: Looking for signs of new life Home Help: Enhance your home-office experience Specialty painting adds wow to your walls Dear Monty: Home seller questions agent ethics Health Dr. Murray Feingold: Cognitive-behavioral therapy shown to help hoarders Dr. Jeff Hersh: Gallstones affect 25 percent of American women Health Watch: Get prepped for spring break HealthStyle: Marriage care and maintenance Community blog: How I Became Radical: The Power of Acceptance Hiking Biking Faith More religion events in the Rogue Valley Religion Briefs Religion briefs, Feb. 27 Religion briefs: Friday, Feb. 20 Religion News: Pope makes surprise shantytown visit Milestones and Achievements Exercise helps special-needs kids adjust to airport procedures Engagement: Workman-Wright Anniversary: Hofer New arrivals: Sunday, Feb. 8 Columnist for a Day Rogue Healthy Aging Tempo Latest stories Ashland's First Friday Art Walk showcases new exhibits by regional artists Live Music in Local Clubs Darrin Wayne steps to the plate at Rising Stars Alice DiMicele plays the Unitarian Fellowship Southern Oregon University Wind Ensemble to present 'All American' Theater TMTO's 'Bye Bye Birdie' takes flight Brava! Opera presents classic Mozart and Poulenc Review: 'Fingersmith' a twisting thriller with love TMTO presents 'Bye Bye Birdie' 'Guys and Dolls' a sure bet for dazzling entertainment Music ZEPDRIX! at the Historic Ashland Armory The Bee Eaters play Headwaters Ladysmith Black Mambazo plays the Craterian Theater Live Music in Local Clubs Darrin Wayne steps to the plate at Rising Stars Community Events Ashland's First Friday Art Walk showcases new exhibits by regional artists Jesse Lawson and Joe Moxley host 'Barkeeper' Third Fridays showcases local artists Southern Oregon Rod and Custom Show Dining Sakura Japanese Sushi Restaurant opens in new location Restaurant Inspections: Sunday, March 1 Great Outdoor Grill offers healthful options Restaurant Inspections: Sunday, Feb. 22, 2015 Saigon Xich Lo Vietnamese cuisine Tempo Videos Classifieds Jobs Autos Real Estate FEATURED » Obits Blogs TV Listings Movie Listings Oregon Outdoors Oregon Healthy Living Magazines/Special Sections Business Services NEWS NOW Missing teen Hannah Thomas-Garner found safe ... Our View: Driving voter turnout is no sure thing for Oregon ... Gold Hill mayor rethinking city hall cameras ... Missing teen Hannah Thomas-Garner found safe ... Our View: Driving voter turnout is no sure thing for Oregon ... Gold Hill mayor rethinking city hall cameras ... Barbara Presnell: How are you since your husband retired? By Barbara Presnell More Content Now MailTribune.com By Barbara Presnell More Content Now Posted Mar. 6, 2015 @ 7:51 am Updated Mar 6, 2015 at 8:00 AM By Barbara Presnell More Content Now Posted Mar. 6, 2015 @ 7:51 am Updated Mar 6, 2015 at 8:00 AM » Social News p bs:newslist StartDate="20121121" EndDate="p bs:datecalc Months="3"" DateSort="1" UseObjects="1" ObjectClass="81" Taxonomywords="2325,665" ExactTaxonomyMatch="1" Image="1" Count="4" --> These days, people keep asking my husband, “How’s your retirement going?” But nobody asks me. The magazines, newspapers, Internet articles and books don’t talk about the other side. They give lots of advice to the new retiree — how to spend your time, how to keep from getting too busy too soon, how to avoid over-volunteerism, how to redefine yourself after your work has defined you for so long. They give advice on taking up new hobbies, travelling, reestablishing friendships, exercising. What they don’t talk about is the spouse, the one whose life suddenly and drastically changes all because the other one’s job ends. “He is underfoot all the time,” my friend Diana said recently of her husband, who retired after a long and successful law career. “I don’t have any peace. And when I do sit down to be by myself, he interrupts me.” “We almost divorced,” my friend Gail added. Her husband retired almost 15 years ago, and they’ve worked out a smooth coexistence, but as she said, “It’s hard, Barbara. It’s very hard.” My husband retired, for the second time, at the beginning of this year. Back in the fall, when he first said, “I’m thinking about retiring,” I mumbled something like “That’s nice, dear,” and quietly panicked. I have a full-time job. I have a nice office away from home (though it is an hour away from home, too far to retreat to when I need it). I have friends of my own, organizations I support, activities outside of work that I pursue with vigor. So, you’d think his coming home to stay wouldn’t matter that much. Wrong. After 34 years together, patterns form. My working husband was a workaholic, and 33 years ago, I learned how to fill my time so I wouldn’t be waiting around, lonely, for him to come home. I waited one time, and the result was burned chicken, limp broccoli and a bottle of wine I emptied by myself. My working husband would go off in the morning to his job — whether it was the newspaper, the food pantry or the other work he’s done in our time together — and not think about dinner until he sat down to eat it. The feminist in me complained about this years and years ago, but finally my pragmatist convinced me that this gave me total control. If I felt like a hamburger, we’d eat hamburgers. If I wanted baked chicken, baked chicken it would be. I mastered the art of slipping out of the kitchen when the plates were empty, leaving him with the dirty dishes, pots and pans. It’s a pattern that has worked well for years. Mostly, though, my working husband was not at home. He worked eight-hour days that easily turned into nine, 10, 11 or 12 hours, and on weekends, he’d often go to the office or some community event all day Saturday or Sunday. A woman needs a room of her own, so said Virginia Woolf almost a hundred years ago. My job gives me summers off, an occasional Friday and every evening from 6 p.m. until dinner time. This is my quiet time, it’s when I write — poems, mostly, and the occasional column — it’s when my brain unwinds and enables me to be human again. What I feared most from his retirement was losing my time. My time. That’s what’s driven my friends to the brink. “I won’t bother you,” he promised me. Still, just his being in the house changed things. He retired once before, six years ago. From my perspective, it was a disaster. He started cooking, but he cooked banquet-style meals every night. No longer was it a burger or baked chicken, it was braised short ribs with apples and cabbage one night, turkey curry over raisin rice the next. We had kitchen wars. “It’s way too much food!” I’d say when I came home from school to find him over the stove stirring up stuff. And, “You’re using every pan in the house!” And, “Those are MY knives,” I’d remind him. “You’re not taking care of them.” He went back to work in a few months, and we fell back into our comfortable patterns. You can see, though, why I was worried about this second retirement. We’re barely two months into it. He cooks dinner almost every night — sensible things like burgers and baked chicken. I rarely think about dinner until I sit down to eat it. I’m keeping an eye on my knives. If I write something down on the grocery list, I come home in the afternoon, and it’s been bought. When I retreat to my study in the afternoons or weekends, he doesn’t interrupt me. Not much, anyway. But I’ve lost a lot of my quiet time. Dinner’s at 7 p.m. on the dot, so there’s little down time after I get home, as I’m used to. I miss it. And there’s way too much TV — basketball games, movies, news. Noise pollution, it is to me. I shut my door and am trying to learn to block it out. He’s not getting as much done as he hoped. I’m not getting as much done as I used to. But, he’s happy, and I’m doing OK, so far. Thanks for asking. Barbara Presnell is a poet and teacher of writing who lives in Lexington, N.C. Contact her at barbarapresnell.com. By Barbara Presnell More Content Now MailTribune.com By Barbara Presnell More Content Now Posted Mar. 6, 2015 @ 7:51 am Updated Mar 6, 2015 at 8:00 AM » Comment or view comments /* $( document ).ready(function() { // Jquery mobile is trying to style the button and leaving a blank gry button on top of a white button $("#viafouracoms .vf-comment-controls li.vf-right").html(' Submit '); });*/ » STAY INFORMED Email NewsLetter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. calendar Connect with MailTribune.com Facebook Twitter RSS Back to top Reader Services Reader Services Home Subscriptions Subscriber controls Contact us Submissions Photos Events Letters to the editor Corrections Announcements Obituaries Story ideas Since you asked Alerts Email Alerts RSS Feeds Text Alerts Advertise Media Kit Home Products and services Ad rates Advertising contacts Mail Tribune Daily Tidings The Nickel Shop Our Valley Blogs Stay Informed Email newsletter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. 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