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Mark Freeman Commentary Head to cyberspace to land perfect gift for outdoorsmen Nine shopping days until Christmas, and you're hopelessly stumped over what to get the outdoorsman on your list who seemingly needs nothing because he already buys himself everything. Fear not, because the gadget-giddy bums of the Mail Tribune's crack outdoor reporting staff have taken the guesswork out of Christmas gift-giving for you again this year. A select group of under-achieving newspaper people, who pride themselves at never paying retail for as much as a cheeseburger, have spent the past year accumulating and test-driving enough outdoor junk to fill three expense-reimbursement forms. After all, this is the last Christmas before the last Christmas of the millennium, so you might as well go all-out on presents. Remember, you can always blame Y2K computer foul-ups when your Visa bill comes in early January. Normally, all the goodies listed here each year are those found in local stores, but this year's shopping spree has a decidedly different flavor to it. In deference to cyber geeks and agoraphobiacs who see William Shatner as the discounter's messiah, this year's holiday gift wish-list contains only items that can be bought over the World Wide Web, provided you can borrow someone's Visa card. Each of these gifts are test-driven by MT staffers, who got them one of three ways: coerced them from companies in exchange for us saying, "Hey, this is awesome!" in print; played with them until they broke, then returned the items for a full refund; or bought them for personal use, knowing they can be deducted as "un-reimbursed business expenses" on their 1999 tax returns. But more importantly, every one of these gifts for use in the Great Outdoors can be bought without every leaving the Great Indoors by what the Dilberts call e-commerce. So, let's get e-commercing. First, instead of stocking stuffers, how about... CAMOUFLAGE STOCKING -- This is the perfect item to hang on the fireplace mantle for hunters. The only problem is, will Santa see it? A Christmas stocking made from Reeltree or Advantage camo, the same stuff hunters wear to conceal themselves in the woods. $9.95. www.basspro.com And something to stick into that stocking? NASCAR HANK PARKER 200 MPH CRANKBAIT --This is a perfect gift for the all-American good ole boy combo -- the bass fishermen/stock car racing fan on your list. This is a lure fashioned like Dale Earnhardt's No. 3 Monte Carlo race car, with a plastic deep-diving lip and two treble hooks to boot. It's 4 inches of wasted metal and plastic. The lure retails for $19.88, which makes it a total waste of beer money. But the crankbait has proven so un-popular that you can buy one for $4.88. www.basspro.com FISH SCALE -- You can't make a fisherman into an honest man, but a good digital scale sure can make it harder to lie about the steelhead or bass he's released. Berkley makes a great digital scale that is waterproof, has a lifetime lithium battery and accurately weighs fish up to 50 pounds, so it's even useful for fall chinook salmon. And, it floats. $28 www.powerbait.com FLY PUSHPINS -- Arnie Klott and Pat Pelzel of Medford have formed an on-line company that makes and sells real trout and steelhead flies used as billboard push-pins. The product and their tongue-in-cheek marketing style began as a joke, but sales have soared. They sell in sets of six. $19.95. www.heart2art.com FISHING REMOTE CONTROL -- Chances are, the outdoorsman in your life is a sports-watching couch potato when he's home, and there's no better way to say "You turn that damn Jimmy Houston fishing show on again, I'm getting a lawyer" than giving him his own, special remote control. The Spinmaster 2000 is a Universal TV/VCR/Cable remote control fashioned into a rod-and-reel. Hit the control buttons, and it even makes real fishing sounds. $30. www.outdoor-world.com RETRIEVAL SYSTEM -- And if your armchair angler drops that remote control and is too much of a lazy boy to get out of the Lazy Boy, here's the perfect gift. The Fetch-it retrieval system is a pole, rope and wire fingers that can pick up dropped items without its user ever having to leave his seat. The Fetch-it was developed for tree-stand hunters who drop things onto the forest floor and want to pick them up without having to shimmy down the tree. It can retrieve items up to 7 pounds. Now it's being marketed to elderly folks and others who cannot pick up dropped items ... as well as those otherwise able-bodied souls who choose not to. [email protected] FISH-GRIPPER -- The Boga Grip is a way to gaff and weigh without hurting a fish so it can be either kept or released unharmed -- something you cannot do with a standard gaff and scale. The Boga Grip has strong clamps that allow anglers to firmly grab the lip of a fish without digging a hole in it. With the built-in scale, you can measure or weigh fish quickly and return them to the water without ever touching them. This is a great tool for ocean bottomfishers who must now release more lingcod and other rockfish than ever before. $100. www.bogagrip.com INFLATABLE FLOTATION DEVICE -- This is the best legal life jacket that doesn't feel like one. The inflatable PFDs (personal flotation devices) either hang around your neck like a thin shawl or attach to your belt, and can be instantly inflated with a cannister if you get into trouble. SOSpenders makes a fine version of these. They are Coast Guard approved, so they are legal as PFDs, and they are highly recommended because you can comfortably wear them while boating or wading and not be inconvenienced by a standard PFD. $69.99. www.sospenders.com DEER HUNTER II -- The latest version of the best and most popular hunting video game on the market. This CD-rom game puts hunters into real-life big-game hunting scenarios, meant to test hunters' skills and decision-making powers. $14.25. www.barnesandnoble.com DEER AVENGER 2 -- A CD-rom parody of Deer Hunter, this game puts the weapons in the deers' hands as they hunt hunters in their native habitat -- Armpit Estates. Certainly not for everyone. But you gotta admit, at least this gives even the worst computer geek something to hang a tag on without leaving the comfort of his cubicle. $14.25. www.barnesandnoble.com (Staff writer Mark Freeman covers the outdoors for the Mail Tribune. Call him at 776-4470, or e-mail him at: [email protected] ) Outdoor Journal main page Mail Tribune Copyright � The Mail Tribune 1999, Medford, Oregon USA