Document text
0 of 3 Premium Clicks used this month SUBSCRIBE Print + Online Subscriber Activation | Register x Forgot Password | Need an Account? e-edition | subscribe | newsletter | deals Classifieds Jobs Autos Real Estate FEATURED » NEWS NOW Proposed Medford charter school hits roadblock ... Lightning possible, heat certain in coming days ... MADGE arrests six in raid on Medford home ... Proposed Medford charter school hits roadblock ... Lightning possible, heat certain in coming days ... MADGE arrests six in raid on Medford home ... Lost in Suburbia: Revenge of the turkey Comment By Tracy Beckerman More Content Now MailTribune.com By Tracy Beckerman More Content Now Posted Nov. 19, 2014 at 12:01 AM Updated Nov 20, 2014 at 1:55 PM By Tracy Beckerman More Content Now Posted Nov. 19, 2014 at 12:01 AM Updated Nov 20, 2014 at 1:55 PM » Social News After 15 years away from the city, I probably shouldn’t have been surprised to see a wild turkey in the suburbs. However, I was surprised to see a wild turkey in the suburbs this close to Thanksgiving. Not that he really had anything to worry about. The residents of my town prefer to buy their Thanksgiving turkeys pre-packaged. But still, if I were a turkey, I don’t think I would take any chances. I’d fly up to Canada where they celebrated thanksgiving in October, or maybe find a nice vegan commune where they celebrate the holidays with a tofurkey instead. Of course, I’m not a turkey, so I really don’t know what turkeys think about this time of year. But clearly the wild turkey I encountered seemed stubbornly determined to ride out the holidays in my neighborhood. He was, in fact, in a big hurry to go nowhere. “Hey, you big turkey, get out of my driveway!” I yelled out my car window, hoping to get him to move so I could pull into my garage. The turkey feigned indifference and continued to stand his ground. I tooted on the horn lightly. I didn’t want to give him some kind of poultry panic attack. He turned his head and gobbled at me. It wasn’t a nice “Give me a minute, please” gobble. It was more like a mean “Back off, lady” gobble. I decided two could play at that game, and I leaned out the window and gave him the raspberry. I know if I were a wild turkey, that would certainly give me pause. Of course, I’m not a wild turkey, so I really have no idea what a raspberry means to a turkey. But apparently, it didn’t go over well, because the turkey suddenly ran toward my car and pecked hard on my bumper. “Are you kidding me?” I thundered. “Who does that? What are you, some kind of animal?” I quickly threw the car in reverse and peeled down the driveway away from the turkey. This was clearly one crazy bird. For all I knew, he was packing some heat under those wings and was waiting for me to go ahead and make his day. Still, I’ve never backed away from a fight, and I certainly wasn’t going to let some dodo bird keep me from my home. Especially since I had a frozen Thanksgiving turkey in the back of my car that was beginning to defrost. (The irony was not lost on me that a wild turkey was blocking me from putting my frozen turkey in the freezer.) Since the turkey did not seem impressed by the car, I suspected I would need to get out of the car and confront him face to, um, waddle. I knew I was even less safe out in the open than I was in my car. Out there, I was an easy target for a ground assault or, worse yet, an aerial poo attack. So I decided I needed some kind of defense. As I looked around for something to wave at the turkey, it suddenly occurred to me that I had a really good weapon right in the back of my car. Reaching behind me, I grabbed the frozen turkey out of the bag, bolted out of my car, ran up the driveway, and bowled the frozen turkey right at the live one. The wild turkey flew up in the air to avoid the turkey ball and landed in my neighbor’s yard. Mission accomplished. And that, my friends, is how you get two birds with one stone. Wishing you and all your loved ones a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday from Lost in Suburbia! For more Lost in Suburbia, follow Tracy on Facebook at facebook.com/lostinsuburbiafanpage or on Twitter at @TracyinSuburbia. By Tracy Beckerman More Content Now MailTribune.com By Tracy Beckerman More Content Now Posted Nov. 19, 2014 at 12:01 AM Updated Nov 20, 2014 at 1:55 PM » Comment or view comments Reader Reaction » STAY INFORMED Email NewsLetter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. Southern Oregon Directory Featured Businesses Loading... Business Name address Location, ST | website.com Find Southern Oregon Attractions Bars Restaurants Beauty Salons Entertainment Doctors Medical Specialists Contractors Education Lawn Services Lawyers Shopping Travel Tanning Used Cars Wedding Services ▼ Add your business here + Events Calendar Connect with MailTribune.com Facebook Twitter RSS Back to top Reader Services Reader Services Home Subscriptions Subscriber controls Contact us Submissions Photos Events Letters to the editor Corrections Announcements Obituaries Story ideas Since you asked Alerts Email Alerts RSS Feeds Text Alerts Advertise Media Kit Home Products and services Ad rates Advertising contacts Propel Marketing Mail Tribune Daily Tidings The Nickel Shop Our Valley Blogs Mobile Site Stay Informed Email newsletter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. Your privacy is important, read our privacy policy. © Copyright 2015 Local Media Group, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Local Media Group Publications Original content available for non-commercial use under a Creative Commons license, except where noted. MailTribune.com | P.O. Box 1108, Medford, OR 97501