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41 °F Forecast | Road Cams Wednesday, January 19, 2005 Today's News | Classifieds | Autos | Homes | Jobs | Tempo | Health | Community | Home Delivery SECTIONS Home Page Local News Sports Business Obituaries Life Opinion - Politics Tempo AP News Weather Classified Archives Site Map SPECIAL SECTIONS Since We Asked Outdoor Journal Menu Guide How To Guide Wellness Connection Readers' Choice Real Estate Showcase Real Estate Guide Joy Magazine Homelife Magazine Wedding Guide Passport to the Rogue Valley EXTRA Newspaper in Education Personals Movie Times TV Times E The People Volunteer Opportunities Moving to Southern Oregon? MARKETPLACE Find a Car Find a Home Find a Job Classifieds Place an ad eSouthernOregon Automotive Communities Entertainment Publications Recreation Calendar CUSTOMER SERVICE Frequent Questions Advertising Information Home Delivery Employment Contact Us Media Kit Network Affiliate Oregon Road Conditions & Cams Email Story to a Friend October 2, 2004 When Somebody Dies ... Life will never be the same, but it goes on By SANNE SPECHT Mail Tribune After a loved one dies, the struggle belongs to those left behind. Don Hildebrand, director of pastoral services at Rogue Valley Manor, advises people who are grieving to accept their feelings of love and loss. "Closure. I hate the word," he says. "Closure is garbage. Life will never be the same. People need to understand they can have a life. A different life. And it can be a good life. But it will never be the same. That's when healing occurs." Whether dealing with your own grief or supporting someone else through the process, experts say the key to coping is the ability to stay honest. "Honesty is one of the most important things we can do when supporting ourselves or others during grief," says Donna Taylor, executive director for WinterSpring Center for Living with Loss and Grief. Advertisement Death does not kill love. Taylor says she encourages people to feel the connections with those who have died. "Those connections remain. Those conversations can continue," she says. "Encourage people to feel that presence." Myriad emotions accompany grief, Taylor says: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. Often these feelings can change in a moment’s time — a thought, a song, a passing reference can trigger deep emotional response that can range from joy to misery. Regardless of the emotion, grieving people need support, experts say. They need to talk. And they need to be heard. "The single most important thing is the ability to listen well and long," says Taylor. "People often ask, ‘What can I say?’ That is not the right question." Hildebrand agrees. "The most dangerous thing is for people to think there's something they can say that will fix it," Hildebrand says. "When I come in contact with people who have just lost a person, I always look them in the eye. I tell them I am so sorry for their loss. People don't usually remember what was said, but they do remember how it was said. And, if it's appropriate, I always give a hug. There's just something about human contact." It is not helpful to attempt to distract the person by changing the subject or offering platitudes, the counselors say. "Beware of walls in the form of well-intended people. People need to take the time it takes," says Taylor. Taylor says adults can learn a lot from children, who haven’t yet developed the social barriers that can prevent moving through the grief. "Children naturally know how to grieve," she says. "If they are supported by an adult who will help them feel safe while they are grieving, they will do much better than if we attempt to shield them from their grief." Tim Simonsen agrees. "I’ve had people explain to kids, ‘Your daddy is just sleeping.’ That’s a horrible thing to tell a kid," says Simonsen of Litwiller-Simonsen Funeral Home in Ashland. "They’re afraid to go to sleep. They get terrified when they see their mom sleeping." Ultimately, grieving is a unique experience for everyone. But it can bring its own rewards. "Grief changes us," Taylor says. "We grow with it. And by growing, we are able to live healthy, happy lives." Dealing with grief WinterSpring Center for Living with Loss and Grief offers one-on-one support by trained volunteers for teens and adults dealing with life-threatening illness or bereavement. A volunteer training session begins today. Call WinterSpring at 772-2527 or visit the Web site at www.winterspring.org to learn more. Reach reporter Sanne Specht at 776-4497 or e-mail [email protected] . Mail Tribune Home Local News | Sports | Business | Obituaries | Life Opinion - Politics | AP News | Archives | Site Map E Southern Oregon | Classified Copyright © 1997-2005 Mail Tribune. All rights reserved. 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