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http://www.omniture.com --> Sections Home Page Local News AP News Archives Business Classifieds Event Calendar Forums Life Opinion Obituaries Photo Gallery Since We Asked Sports Tempo Weather Special Coverage 2006 Britt Festivals --> Shop Our Valley AutoFinder HomeFinder JobFinder Search Our Valley Special Sections Homelife Magazine Joy Magazine Readers Choice 2006 Oregon Golf Info Oregon Wine Info Our Valley Other Publications Local Links Ashland News eSouthernOregon Newspapers In Education Personals Moving Here Movie Listings TV Listings Volunteer Customer Service Advertise With Us Media Kit Place Classified Ad Contact Us FAQ's Home Delivery Site Map --> Email Story to a Friend August 27, 2006 How we learned to stop worrying By Bill Varble Mail Tribune Godzilla, as the story on this page points out, was a metaphor for the Bomb. In 1954 people worried about the Bomb. Godzilla was the biggest metaphor since Titanic. In more ways than one. His height was listed as 50 meters, but when he attacks the El and chomps a railroad car in "Gojira," he appears to be 300 feet tall. Which befitted a metaphor for the Bomb. But you worry about something so long, then you get tired of it. So although there are many times more bombs than there were in 1954, and they are much more powerful and much more widespread, you move on. Now America arms the world, A.Q. Kahn sells nuclear technology like Quarter Pounders with Cheese, and the Russians' security for their decaying nuclear arsenal makes the Bush administration's handling of New Orleans look like it was right on the money. These days we worry about terrorism, global warming, corporate abuses and a morning-after pill. Sort of. We worry about terrorists, but we don't want to check our luggage. We worry about global warming, but we love our SUVs. Advertisement We worry about corporate sleaze, but we elect corporate-cozy politicians. We can barely remember our Enrons from our WorldComs, and Northwest Airlines' "101 Ways to Save Money" (which told laid-off employees to go Dumpster diving) is already coming down from break-room bulletin boards, last week's curiosity. The government sees weapons where there aren't any, denies the global warming in front of its face and cozies up to corporate miscreants. Meanwhile, more Americans shop at Wal-Mart each week than vote for president. If Godzilla came back, he'd be one mixed-up metaphor. He'd stand for lots of stuff all at once, not least of which would be galloping apathy. FADE IN: The ocean boils white-hot, fishing boats sink, a huge monster rises from the deep. Godzilla (rubbing his eyes): Umph! Not ready to wake up. Grrrrr! Ozzie (a handsome Coast Guard officer): He's heading for the island! That can't be good. Emily (the professor's beautiful daughter): Whatever. Godzilla attacks Long Island, sending real estate values plummeting. Dr. Yankton (an idealistic and tortured paleontologist): He was probably resurrected by Iran's secret nuclear program. Holy moral turpitude! Yankton tries to warn Homeland Security, but officials are off on a golf retreat with Jack Abramoff. CUT TO: Camp David, where Secretary Michael Chertoff is on the phone with President Bush. Bush's voice on the phone: You're doin' a heck of a job, Mikey. Security Guard: Sir, it's that pest Dr. Yankton. Chertoff (rolls his eyes): So get rid of him. Yankton bursts in. Chertoff: Doctor, nice to see you! An emergency meeting. Officials debate whether the monster should be killed or treated as a research subject. Hard-liners lead by Donald Rumsfeld argue for an attack, claiming Godzilla is a WMD. Yankton says the big lug should be studied. President Bush: Will there be an exam? CUT TO: New York City. Godzilla is chomping El cars and swatting down buildings. Army weapons do nothing. Vice President Cheney suggests attacking North Korea. Early polls show strong support for nuking the monster, but Godzilla's ratings go up when he incinerates Trump Tower with his atomic breath. Scientist: Sir, our analysis shows that Godzilla's breath is a major cause of global warming. President Bush: Not gonna go there. Not gonna play the warming game. Finally, Samuelson, a tortured and idealistic weapons inventor, dives on Godzilla's watery lair and kills the monster with his latest invention, the Ozone Depleter. Samuelson (tormented): I can't believe he was the only surviving member of his species. If we keep on like this, it's possible another Godzilla might appear! Mrs. Samuelson: Whatever. Can we go shopping now? Reach reporter Bill Varble at 776-4478 or [email protected] . Would you like to respond to this story? If so Click Here to visit our forums. Advertisement Copyright © 1997-2006 Mail Tribune, Inc. All rights reserved. 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