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Mother-daughter potato salad is no picnic Side by side at the kitchen sink, my mother and I are making potato salad. Or at least that's what it looks like we're doing. As we cube potatoes and chop onions, peel eggs and mince pickles, we're also struggling with the raw ingredients of our intense, often-difficult relationship. It's a recipe for conflict, with potato salad on the side. And neither of us knows how to make it more palatable. The tension starts right away this holiday weekend, during the first car ride to the grocery store. Quickly, it becomes clear that we can't even agree on whether we should make the stuff at all. My mom believes we should buy pre-made potato salad, the kind in cartons, to save the hassle of cooking, chopping and mixing our own. "I just want to make it easy," she says. I, on the other hand, would rather eat boiled tennis balls than serve prepared potato salad to company. "I like it fresh," I say. "It tastes better." The situation degenerates from there. She tells me she's been making potato salad for 30 years, thank you very much, and she doesn't need me to point out the difference between a mix and fresh. I tell her I spend my professional life reading and writing about food and I've learned a few things about what's good and what's not. Fine, she says. Make your own. Fine, I say. I will. Which is how we end up back in my kitchen with 10 pounds of red potatoes, a dozen eggs and enough hostility to curdle milk. I get out a new cookbook, an acclaimed best seller that contains what critics have called the ultimate potato salad. I've been waiting months to try the recipe. Mom sniffs at the sight of a cookbook. "Who needs a recipe to make potato salad?" she says. "I never have." She takes issue with every ingredient in the dish. Red wine vinegar? She prefers pickle juice. Dijon mustard? She likes yellow. Half a cup of mayonnaise? Anybody knows you need more. Even the bowl I choose is too small. For my part, I object to my mother's every action, from the way she doesn't peel the potatoes to the way she wields a knife. It is a very long afternoon. When we're done, we have 10 pounds of potato salad chilling in the refrigerator and an equally icy relationship on the front porch. I retreat for a while to consider the standoff, which occurs nearly every time my mother visits. It's not so bad when I go to her house some 600 miles away. Off my turf, I'm less proprietary and she's less critical. We can cook together without making each other crazy. But not here, not in my home. From what I hear, I'm not alone. Several women friends relate the same tale of tension in the kitchen with mama. They feel overpowered, criticized, ignored. They feel not valued for the adults they have become. The ironic thing is, I have other friends who feel how my mom must feel. "All I want to do is help," says one. "After all, I'm her mother." Both generations wonder, as I do, how they get from dill vs. sweet pickles to "You don't love me," from fresh vs. prepared potato salad to "I don't care." It goes without saying that my mom and I didn't resolve this dilemma during her visit. Heck, we hardly resolved what else to eat for dinner. We got through the weekend, though, and even managed to enjoy each other just a little. Sometimes, that's enough. As for the potato salad, it was good. You'll find the recipe (my version) here. American-Style Potato Salad with Eggs and Sweet Pickles 2 pound Red Bliss or new potatoes, boiled, peeled if desired, and cut into 3/4-inch cubes 2 tablespoons red wine vinegar 1 teaspoon kosher salt or 1/2 teaspoon table salt 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper 3 boiled eggs, cut into small dice 2-3 scallions, sliced thin (about 1/2 cup) 1 small celery stalk, cut into small dice (about 1/2 cup) 1/4 cup sweet pickle (not relish), cut into small dice 1/2 cup mayonnaise 2 tablespoons Dijon-style mustard 1/4 cup minced fresh parsley Place potatoes in a 4- to 6-quart pot; cover with water. Bring to a boil, cover and simmer, stirring once or twice to ensure even cooking, until a thin-bladed paring knife or a metal cake tester inserted into potato can be removed with no resistance, 25 to 30 minutes for medium potatoes and 15 to 20 minutes for new potatoes. Drain, rinse under cold water, and drain again. Cool potatoes slightly and peel, if you like. Cut potatoes (with a serrated knife if they have skins) while still warm. Layer warm potato cubes in a medium bowl. Sprinkle with vinegar, seasoning with salt and pepper as you go. Mix in remaining ingredients. Refrigerate until ready to serve. Adjust seasonings and serve chilled. Serves 6 to 8. Recipe from "The Perfect Recipe: Getting it Right Every Time," by Pam Anderson, Houghton Mifflin, 1998, $27.) Send cooking questions to JoNel Aleccia, The Mail Tribune, P.O. Box 1108, Medford, OR 97501. Call 776-4465, or send e-mail [email protected] Mail Tribune Copyright � The Mail Tribune 1999, Medford, Oregon USA