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Prime Times Giving caregivers a breather By John Darling for the Mail Tribune It can happen to anyone, any time. One day, like Kay Gallant, you�re living the normal, active life of a person of mature years. The next day, active retirement is gone, and you�re a full-time caregiver who�s meeting every need of a disabled spouse � and you�ve almost become a prisoner in your own home. "It was a shock," said Gallant, of Medford, whose husband, Nelson, was disabled by a stroke 12 years ago. "We were fishing at the coast. I drove him home and put him in the hospital. They started teaching me all the things I�d have to know to take care of him and it�s quite a big job." In the ensuing years, Nelson�s diabetes has cost him a leg and put him in bed for the rest of his life. Kay, like many other caregiver spouses, must feed, bathe, administer shots and medicines and handle toiletries for her mate 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Even though she�s not able to engage in outside activities, she entertains no thought about putting him in an assisted living facility. "We�ve been married 58 years. Staying with him is just automatic. He can�t be left alone. His mind is affected. What if the house caught fire?" Every Tuesday at 1 p.m., however, the routine takes a big and welcome change. Respite volunteer Pat Kidson rings the doorbell and, for four hours, takes care of Nelson so Kay can get free. She dashes about buying the week�s groceries and picking up prescription drugs and household supplies. "Sometimes I go to the mall and window shop or have lunch with a friend. It�s pretty exciting," she said. Kidson has become "a very, very good friend. I don�t know what I would have done without her," she added. Kidson has been with the Gallants the entire 12 years. "I�m just motherly, I guess, and want to help people," Kidson said. "Maybe I got the empty-nest syndrome when my daughters grew up. It�s very satisfying to know I�m a big help." Her job is just "being there." She may chat with Nelson or help him with toiletries. If anything goes wrong, her instructions are to call 911. Betsy Larke, of Ashland, had only a year of retirement from her work at Southern Oregon University when her husband, Kit, now 69, had a stroke. She became a full-time caregiver, getting a few hours of relief each week when Anita Hyland of Ashland steps in. "She�s been a godsend. I couldn�t do it without her. She chats with Kit or plays games with him or maybe she just works on papers she brought." Hyland volunteers, she said, because others did it for her. "My husband was paraplegic for 38 years. I received a lot of help and I�m glad to help Betsy get out and spread her wings." Lavon Mercer, 77, of Medford, was getting respite help with her husband, Al, who has pneumonia, a broken hip and prostate cancer. But last week, her volunteer, Pete Lundy, of Phoenix, lost his driver�s license because of diabetes and had to stop. "He was the most unselfish person I�ve ever met," Mercer said. "He and Al loved to talk and I had a secure feeling when Pete was here. We�re managing OK, but they�re trying to find another volunteer." Some 40 volunteers are helping caregivers get desperately needed breaks, but more volunteers are urgently needed, said Loretta Nordquist, Respite Care coordinator. "It�s a common-sense job," she said. "You just see to the safety and comfort of the client and do the minimum necessary. The caregiver will have fed and cleaned up before leaving, so everything is as well prepared as possible." Many caregivers carve out a free day by taking their loved one to Trinity Respite Center in Ashland, where they can play seated volleyball or basketball, socialize over lunch, discuss current events and join singalongs, said Shiela Ettlich, program director. "Caregivers usually are so busy with basic tasks, they don�t get to plan fun activities for their loved one. But we keep them busy all day and they usually sleep real well that night, which is especially nice for Alzheimer�s patients who often don�t sleep well." Many caregivers don�t realize how necessary respite help is. "Not getting respite help can lead to burnout," Nordquist said. "In life, we�re used to sick people getting well and less dependent, but with seniors, it�s the other way around. You�re generally looking at decline in health and increasing dependency. It�s very difficult emotionally because both parties want independence and not having it can make both of them angry." The caregiving cycle usually "sneaks up on you," said Ettlich, speaking of people who care for parents. "You provide a little more and a little more and you don�t realize you�re a caregiver until it�s taking most of your time. You realize they can�t live alone. Then you have to decide. You have them live with you. You lose control of your time. "Many caregivers become depressed and very tired and if they don�t have someone to help them, they muddle along and start to think they�re the only one who can do anything for the person. If they don�t get help, it�s not uncommon for caregivers to die first, because of the effects on their health." Ettlich disputes the stereotype of families eager to dump the elderly in nursing homes. "People are really quite loyal to their family and are not at all quick to put them in institutions," she said. Studies have proven, she added, that respite care and adult day care can add to the years a loved one may spend at home, outside of assisted living care. "They need to get out and away from TV. They need stimulation, just like we do. It�s good for both of you." 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