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Get Off My Lawn: If I were a rich man, I wouldn't get the itch to scratch Sunday Dec 31, 2017 at 12:01 AM By Robert Galvin Mail Tribune If I had a dime for every time I wished I had enough money to buy an elephant, I’d … well, I wouldn’t be a rich man — ya ha deedle deedle, bubba bubba deedle deedle dum — but all day long I could count dimes. It’s not that I would want to buy an elephant … for one thing, where would you park it? After all, this is a community that has had enough trouble trying to settle on regulations as people fill their yards with chicks and turkeys and geese and ducks for all the town to see and hear. Like a lot of adages, the two-cents wisdom of elephant purchasing isn’t worth a plugged nickel these days. Asian elephants run about $34,000 max in India — and while that’s nothing to sneeze at, there are more practical ways to spend it. Such as lottery tickets … which, I want to remind you, should be bought for “entertainment purposes only” and should not be considered “as an investment strategy.” Uh-huh. Mega Millions was up over $300 million for Saturday’s drawing and Powerball was hovering around $400 million. Let’s just drop a fiver down on some quick-picks (throwing in a Megabucks ticket for the paltry $6 million prize while we’re at it) for the “entertainment value” of crashing the Oregon Lottery website after dinner — boy, that will be some bubba bubba deedle deedle fun. Don’t get me wrong: I “play” the Lottery and I have no qualms about doing so … even if most of my tickets prove not to be worth the paper they’re printed on. Just stop telling us that we’re doing so out of any reasons other than faith and hope. Trust me, there’s nothing entertaining about scratching charcoal dust off a piece of cardboard in search of an ear of corn in a game called “Winner Winner Chicken Dinner.” At least the Oregon Lottery acknowledges the bottom line for scratch-ticket players with the naming of one its newest options ... “Did I Win?” For five bucks, you can “Win Up To 20 Times!” on a particularly bland looking card the Lottery charitably describes as “whimsical.” The premise is simple: Scratch clean each of the 20 prize spots, and you’ll see an answer to the question posed by the name of the game. “Did I Win?” ...  “Nope” was quickly followed by “Sorry,” “Not Here,” “No,” “Oh No,” and “Still No.” On and on the rejection went, but that didn’t keep the Lottery from encouraging me from further whimsical entertainment with answers of “Try Again,” “Keep Trying” and “Maybe Next Time.” As an investment strategy, there was just something so bluntly, blatantly, bloodthirstingly American about the transaction. It was the Lottery’s supply and my demand for a trickle down from the state’s coffers. There went 50 dimes (one now smudged with charcoal dust) that could’ve have gone toward buying an elephant. I mean, sure, I could have used that five bucks for something nobler — or at least less self-indulgent. Still, we heard this week that the world’s richest 500 people increased their wealth by a combined 10 trillion dimes in 2017 … and you didn’t see them rushing out to use that profit to buy 29,411,765 Asian elephants. And a report tells us that the rich are more likely to experience happiness when something they do benefits themselves — this is news? — so, it’s not as though my buying that “Did I Win?” ticket is the equivalent of signing into law a tax bill that saves me an estimated $11 million and gives permanent financial breaks to my friends, family and fellow billionaires. Although, if I were questioned about doing so, it wouldn’t matter whether I answer right or wrong … when you’re rich they think you really know. And if that doesn’t make average Americans grate their teeth again at the gap between the haves and have-nots, then maybe we should just plunk five bucks down on another Oregon scratch ticket — Mythical Money — and hope for the best. — Mail Tribune copy editor Robert Galvin really doesn’t want an elephant. So, please, don’t send one to [email protected]