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0 of 3 Premium Clicks used this month SUBSCRIBE Print + Online Subscriber Activation | Register x Forgot Password | Need an Account? e-edition | subscribe | newsletter | deals Classifieds Jobs Autos Real Estate FEATURED » NEWS NOW Other Views: Marijuana businesses need banking service ... Crescent fire closes Crater Lake's north entrance ... Quake risk means LNG plant is a bad idea ... Other Views: Marijuana businesses need banking service ... Crescent fire closes Crater Lake's north entrance ... Quake risk means LNG plant is a bad idea ... SOUTHERN OREGON JOURNAL Better than a giant nutcracker Comment By Peggy Dover for the Mail Tribune MailTribune.com By Peggy Dover for the Mail Tribune Posted Nov. 30, 2014 at 12:01 AM By Peggy Dover for the Mail Tribune Posted Nov. 30, 2014 at 12:01 AM » Social News I’m still not sure whether it was a nightmare or I read somewhere about a 41-foot nutcracker towering over visitors in a park in Roseburg for the holidays. As if the small versions weren’t terrifying enough, rather like fiendish clownettes with their colorful mouths packed with prominent teeth, smiling grandly and belying their duty of crushing whatever may have the misfortune to land inside them. Never the less, master woodworker Toby Johnson actually used chainsaws to carve out a four-story-high cracker of nuts. Nuts, nothing; a mouth that size could handle heads. And, as if the size alone wasn’t enough to send you running for the nearest cannon, its mighty jaws of death are fitted with a one-quarter horse engine that opens and closes them six times per minute. I’m not making this up. It vanquishes coconuts. I’ll bet that if you’re close enough, you can hear the jaw motion. Six times per minute. The macabre deepened when I discovered that the motive for erecting this Bavarian behemoth was to draw people to the area. As in, we ache to stand in awe of a nutcracker to which we can feed sides of beef. Am I naïve to assume that it could possibly have the opposite effect? Children who shy away from Santa’s lap, for instance, or are fearful of the Easter Bunny will require therapy after beholding this King of all Nutcrackers. Mr. Johnson has realistic hopes of landing in the Guinness World Records book with this tallest nutcracker — it needs a name. Crusher? Nutcase, perhaps? The current title holder is in Germany and stands at a mere 33 feet. I imagine this beast standing there in the park on a dark and stormy night after the festivities have ceased and the townspeople have retired for the night. A winter gale blows up, sending this giant battering ram crashing through River Forks Park, its new territory west of Roseburg. In my vision, it hurtles along uprooting trees and mowing down park squirrels, flailing and groaning, engine-driven jaws taking bites out of haunches of earth, and ending up floating down the Umpqua River like a decomposing barge with Christmas lights blinking intermittently, illuminating its staring black eyes in the dark. OK, it may not happen exactly like that. Though relieved that I didn’t have to sleep nearby, I began to envy Roseburg for this unique, though frightening holiday installation. Like a powerful magnetic force, it would no doubt draw scads of curious stein-hoisters, with and without lederhosen. Then I remembered something we have in our valley that is tall but friendly, merrier for the season, and downright jolly. It’s none other than The Blackbird, which gapes and stretches his gnarly talons welcomingly on West Main in front of its sporting goods store namesake. A 29-foot blackbird just isn’t as threatening; especially when he’s festively bedecked for the season with his Santa hat, belt and candy cane. You just want to cuddle him. Sure, his eyes are bugged and he has biceps unlike any blackbird in nature and more like the Schwarzenegger of yore, but our Blackbird has proved trustworthy in a windstorm. Plus, his beak is not motorized. Next year, the Blackbird store will celebrate 50 years in the same location. In 1965, founder Lee Hobbs fashioned the Bird mascot with re-bar, hog wire and fiberglass. The store began as an Army surplus establishment, and now carries a large variety of sporting goods and everything for outdoor fun. I like going there for inspiration and for the occasional ego boost from the whistling mynah bird, a longtime resident inside the store. It never seems to notice or care how I’ve aged. I’ll get my whistle if I stand there long enough making obnoxious noises and annoying surrounding sales personnel. I may decide to make the two-hour trek north to view the aforementioned monolithic mangler of nutmeats from a distance, but for a good dose of nostalgic Christmas memories, give me the Blackbird on West Main Street. Peggy Dover is a freelance writer who works from a 1900 farmhouse in Eagle Point. Reach her at [email protected]. By Peggy Dover for the Mail Tribune MailTribune.com By Peggy Dover for the Mail Tribune Posted Nov. 30, 2014 at 12:01 AM » Comment or view comments Reader Reaction » STAY INFORMED Email NewsLetter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. Southern Oregon Directory Featured Businesses Loading... 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