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Try as I might — and in my quest to be a right-thinking citizen of what passes these days for the United States, I tried really, really hard — I just couldn’t do it. I know our fearless leader implores us to think this way, but I just can’t bring myself to get angry at our neighbors north of Frostbite Falls. Canada … we’re supposed to be mad at Canada over some sort of trade imbalance that, if it were solved, would only make rich people richer? Canada … really? Even if it is responsible for Justin Bieber, goose droppings and meek, mild bacon … how are we supposed to be mad at America’s Cap? Nope, can’t do it. There’s only so many goose droppings to go around and far too many frustrations more in need of fertilization. Last week, for instance, our easily hypnotized fellow Americans were transfixed by the plight of a young female who attempted a dangerous journey — trying to escape the mean streets of her home. Every step could be her last, and as her every movement was tracked and debated over the internet, we breathed a collective sigh of relief as she scaled the wall to safety — only to be separated from her family, held in a cage by the government, and then whisked away overnight to the proverbial “nice woodlands area upstate” … perhaps never to be seen again. I’m speaking, of course, of the raccoon that climbed to the top of a 25-story building in downtown St. Paul (slightly south of Frostbite Falls) — although, upon reflection, I can see how you might think I was talking about something else. A flying squirrel would have avoided the melodrama, but at least in the case of the now homeless raccoon, no one wrapped themselves in the flag, cherry-picked the Bible and created “laws” out of thin air in attempts to justify the sort of disrespect for humanity that you only used to hear about happening in totalitarian regimes such as North Korea. Wait … I mean, or course, our good friends in the totalitarian regime of North Korea — about whose atrocities we really don’t care. Do U? Womp wommmmmp. The immigration situation is a complete and utter mess — and I, for one, know that I’m not smart enough or wise enough to step my foot in it by either saying it’s not easy being green-carded, or to offer simplistic rationales for the simple-minded actions of simpletons. For instance, you’d never find me bowing over backward like the babbling, blow-dried bootlicker on the right-thinking Americans’ morning show who declared that arresting adults in this infestation of the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to be free and shoving a couple thousand of their children into “camps” and/or deserted Walmarts was acceptable because “like it or not, these aren’t our kids.” “Show them compassion,” continued the tone-deaf toady, “but it’s not like he’s doing this to the people of Idaho or Texas.” Well … not yet anyway. The only part of this humanitarian crisis that all involved agree upon is that it’s clearly someone else’s fault. Fearless Leader himself on Friday tweeted that his opponents were trying to score political points by circulating “phony stories of sadness and grief” portrayed by what some of his supporters claimed were “child actors.” You know, like was said of the 8- and 9-year-olds who gave such convincing performances as dead schoolchildren at Sandy Hook. Of course, that was in the blue state of Connecticut — it’s not like they were in the steadfastly red states of Idaho or Texas. But that kind of thinking is probably to be expected, since our moral compass during this rudderless storm is spinning faster than the whirligigs on Mr. Peabody’s WayBack Machine. Gallup (which obviously is as befuddled as the rest of us) released a poll on our belief systems earlier this month — listing 21 categories and asking respondents to set aside legality and say whether each topic was “morally acceptable” or “morally wrong.” As you might expect, the results were as muddied as our thinking. For instance, “medical research using human embryos” received far greater support than did medical testing on animals. This seemingly would be good news for our rogue raccoon, except that “buying or wearing animal fur” had a higher approval rate than using animals to eradicate disease. (Somewhere, Rudy Vallee impersonators are getting their megaphones out of mothballs.) “Sex between an unmarried man and woman” scored the same 69 percent as did gambling — which makes sense, when you think about it. But then you have more moral acceptance of the death penalty than of doctor-assisted suicide — which makes no sense, however you think about it. In a separate poll, meanwhile, Gallup found that 84 percent of Americans believe legal immigration is a good thing — which seems a tad low, since Gallup was asking people of whom nearly 100 percent were descended from immigrants. In my case, I’m descended in part from our apparently former friends in Canada. So, while I can’t be a complete hoser to the land of my forebears, I’ll protest in my own way … and refuse to order that weak excuse for bacon with my freedom toast. Mail Tribune senior designer Robert Galvin, a proud graduate of Wossamotta U, can be reached at [email protected].