Document text
2 of 3 Premium Clicks used this month SUBSCRIBE Print + Online Subscriber Activation | Register x Forgot Password | Need an Account? subscribe | newsletter | deals Home News Latest Stories 10 things to know for Thursday Outstanding local young women awarded scholarships 10 things to know for Wednesday Rising from the ashes Ashland Elks grant aids veterans Education Rising from the ashes Ashland High School again earns national honors Preschool's future not yet secure Ashland Middle School student spearheads Nepal relief effort Southern Oregon University's week-long Arts & Research showcase offers a potpourri of academics Environment Jackson County declares drought disaster Ashland publisher offers prize for environmental book Ashland water bills could go up to fund watershed protection Stopping fire in its tracks Some trails, roads remain closed due to controlled burn Business Ashland joins in Craft Beer Week with toast at Standing Stone on Wednesday Cars We Remember: Noted musician unravels 55-year Nash Rambler mystery 'Fill'er up' will mean with beer, not gas Ride & Drive: 2015 BMW 428i Gran Coupe Ashland Safeway closes Thursday, to reopen as Haggen on Sunday Politics and elections City of Ashland to consider making recorder position appointive, not elective Ashland water bills could go up to fund watershed protection BREAKING: Baltimore prosecutor charges officers in Gray's death Arthur I. Cyr: Cuba’s enduring challenge to American foreign policy – and American politics State News Oregon's snowpack at just 11 percent of average Lack of snow nixes ski portion of popular Central Oregon race Bill under debate in Oregon would limit livestock antibiotics Nation - World There's a $10 million precious stone hidden in plain sight at Grand Central Obituaries Death Notices Death Notices Ronald Mitchell Betts Dickie Miles Hayes Death Notices Shareable Check out top import and export for every U.S. state Patriots fan sets up GoFundMe page to help pay for team's Deflategate fine Sports Latest Stories Ashland heads to Eugene for MWL district meet Clive McFarlane: Football ethics take center stage Ayers pitches Eagles past Grizzlies Cascade Conference Track & Field Championship Stormy weather for footgolf kick-off day High school Ashland heads to Eugene for MWL district meet Ayers pitches Eagles past Grizzlies Raiders Maguin, Parks, Sanders highlight first day of CCC track meet Ashland boys sweep doubles, beat GP Living on the edge Southern Oregon University Ashland heads to Eugene for MWL district meet Raiders Maguin, Parks, Sanders highlight first day of CCC track meet SOU lands two on all-CCC softball team See you in August Same old Raiders Voices Latest Stories Our View: Elected or appointed? Ashland by the numbers Letters to the Editor, May 14 Granlund cartoon: Christianity declining in US Landgren cartoon: Roger Goodell’s NFL scales of justice Editorial Our View: Elected or appointed? Our View: Change is brewing Our View: Forest work is a bargain Our View: What price history? Our View: Waging peace after war Letters Letters to the Editor, May 14 (No heading) Letters to the editor: Tuesday, May 12 Letters to the Editor, May 8 Letters to the Editor, May 6 Guest opinions Guest Opinion: Ambrose spins a conservative fantasy Guest Opinion: Restoring the Plaza's sense of place Guest Opinion: Making conservation a game Guest Opinion: A good day to act Guest Opinion: Allegations unfair to Dr. Tomashefsky Columns Ashland by the numbers Chris Honoré: Supreme Court grapples with tradition, suffrage Guest Opinion: Ambrose spins a conservative fantasy Herb Rothschild Jr.: The courage to ask Arthur I. Cyr: Britain’s important election – in royal political context Chris Honore Council Corner Editor's Notes Jeffrey Gillespie Herb Rothschild Revels Latest Stories Ashland Calendar, Thursday, May 14 4 Things To Do This Weekend Movie listings: May 15-21 Laurie Lewis, Tom Rozum at The Mountain House Steve Poltz, Grant-Lee Phillips at Old Ashland Armory Theater Departing Ashland Independent Film Festival programmer talks about what makes a good movie Ticket availability Ticket Availability OSF to commission three new 'American Revolutions' plays Ticket availability Music The Farr Side: Contest open for singer-songwriters The Farr Side: Mumford & Sons’ latest is full-on rock Interview: Country singer Suzy Bogguss enjoying life on the road The Farr Side: CMAs do it right, in many ways Interview: Offspring plays hits new and old on tour Visual Art Movies Your A-to-Z guide to the ‘Mad Max’ franchise Movie listings: May 15-21 'Wild Tales' is twisted, dark and lovely Movie review: ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’ will leave your inner 12-year-old giggling with glee Movie review: ‘Hot Pursuit’ is a hot mess Food and Drink Taqueria Picaro takes over Tabu space Owner of Mix and Amuse to bring Flip burger joint to Ashland Cruelest Month: Poetry Blog Lifestyle Latest Stories Pergola, arbor, gazebo: Learn the differences Marketta Gregory: God doesn’t need our polished marketing Community Blog: An Open Mind is Inner Peace Page H. Onorato: Cookbook offers old friend in the kitchen today 5 Things to Do This Weekend (May 15-17) Aging Happens Inner Peace Column Inner Peace Blog Mocha Musings Rogues: Tales from the Valley Classifieds Jobs Autos Real Estate FEATURED » Obituaries Photos Videos Blogs Business Business Services NEWS NOW Our View: Elected or appointed? ... Ashland by the numbers ... Ticket availability ... Our View: Elected or appointed? ... Ashland by the numbers ... Ticket availability ... Dr. Elaine Heffner: Mothers-in-law Comment By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now DailyTidings.com By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted May. 12, 2015 at 12:01 AM By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted May. 12, 2015 at 12:01 AM » Social News This title may suggest the beginning of a joke about mothers-in-law, about whom many have been made. Searching Google for an example, a particularly telling one popped up. A son tells his mother he has decided whom to marry. He brings home three girls he has dated and asks her to guess which one it is. She picks one and, astounded, he asks her how she guessed right. Her reply, “She was the one I didn’t like.” Jokes are funny when they speak to universal feelings or truths that people recognize. In this instance, the recognizable truth suggested is that mothers of sons are never going to like the women their sons choose. The further implication is that of impending rivalry and loss – a mother’s loss of a special place in her son’s life. The nature of the jokes also seems to suggest that it is these feelings that are responsible for difficulties in the relationship between wives and mothers-in-law. Mother’s Day may be a good time to reflect on the issues as well as the jokes that may lie behind the Hallmark cards. Fairy tales as well as children’s books are rife with stories about the good fairy and the wicked fairy – or as in Cinderella, the good mother who dies and the wicked step-mother who replaces her. In the early years of development, the good mother/bad mother conflict is a central theme. To a small child a mother is both the source and withholder of gratification. When she meets the child’s needs, or gives him what he wants, she is the good mother. But when she sets limits or is withholding she can turn into the bad mother. One of the challenges of maturity is to integrate both the good and bad mother into a single person – someone we love but also one we may hate or toward whom feel anger. This is a significant challenge because it is part of the task of accepting both the good and bad in ourselves, the part we approve of and the part we would like to disavow. Often we continue to struggle with this challenge well into adulthood, seeking to reject the part we don’t like and at times would prefer to attribute to others rather than ourselves. Marriage may confront us anew with the two mother conflict. To whatever degree we may still be struggling with this issue, along comes a second mother to take over one of the roles in the conflict. Now there is someone to blame for whatever we may not like about our mate, as well as about ourselves, complicating the adjustments marriage requires. A recurrent theme in wives complaints is that of feeling criticized by mothers-in-law. This is especially true about their own role as mothers once grandchildren arrive on the scene. Below the surface perhaps there is an unspoken rivalry about who is the better mother. New mothers have enough anxiety without that added pressure. Parents today are very interested in the latest theories about child development and raising children. The message may be that they are going to do it the “right” way, meaning unlike the grandparents who did it the wrong way. All of this has been about wives and their mothers-in-laws. What about husbands and theirs? Most of the jokes seem to reflect their negative attitudes – a topic to be left for another day. However, both kinds of relationships may reflect the underlying ambivalence we all have towards our mothers – and therefore our mothers-in-law. Actually, it is the ambivalence that is universal. Something to think about beyond the Mother’s Day cards. Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She has appeared on PBS, ABC, Fox TV and other networks. Dr. Heffner is the author of “Goodenoughmothering: The Best of the Blog,” as well as “Mothering: The Emotional Experience of Motherhood after Freud and Feminism.” She is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private practice, as well as a senior lecturer of education in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. Dr. Heffner was a co-founder and served as director of the Nursery School Treatment Center at Payne Whitney Clinic, New York Hospital. And she blogs at goodenoughmothering.com. By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now DailyTidings.com By Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted May. 12, 2015 at 12:01 AM » Comment or view comments Reader Reaction » STAY INFORMED Email NewsLetter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. calendar Connect with DailyTidings.com Facebook Twitter RSS Back to top Reader Services Reader Services home Subscriptions Subscriber controls Contact us Submissions Photos Events Letters to the editor Corrections Alerts Email alerts RSS feeds Text Alerts Advertise Media Kit Home Products and services Ad rates Advertising contacts Propel Marketing Mail Tribune Daily Tidings The Nickel Shop Our Valley Blogs Stay Informed Email newsletter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. Your privacy is important, read our privacy policy. © Copyright 2015 Local Media Group, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Local Media Group Publications Original content available for non-commercial use under a Creative Commons license, except where noted. DailyTidings.com | P.O. Box 1108, Medford, OR 97501