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- Subscribe - Contact Us - Rate Card - Place an Ad Archives Revels Classifieds Real Estate Menu Guide Wedding Weather Subscribe Contact Us May 7, 2005 Dual Perspectives Pay attention to your responses around kids Our principal objective in developing this series of columns is to raise awareness as to what parents and adults, say, how these statements are heard by children and the invariable psychological aftermath that is a result of this negativity. Everything that is said to a child, what is not said, everything you do or don’t do, the child senses. In the child’s unconscious mind, negative statements are accepted at face value. They are programmed messages that remain as true beliefs in the child’s psyche. Al & Anne Bodin Inasmuch as positive and negative comments contain powerful messages to children, it is necessary to evaluate how the words that they digest contribute to their self-identify. Because younger children are less able to verbally express themselves, we adults need a perceptive eye to detect non-verbal cues. Often, unknowingly, we convey comments that ultimately mold an eyeview of themselves with perceptions that result in a healthy or unhealthy self-image. When older, these same children may feel helplessly trapped. “It’s fate — I’m a born loser!” or “I can’t help myself, I’m in a rut.” Therefore, negative or positive messages serve to give children fairly convincing concepts about what they can or cannot do with their abilities and talents. From the child’s perspective, parents transmit to them their worth, looks, abilities, intelligence, morals, health, sexuality and, in aggregate, their future. All biases, beliefs, hopes, fears, expectations, goals and images of the child are the result of programs that we supply. What follows is an example of a negative statement along with an alternative positive statement indicating how and what a child hears and how she or he reacts to it. We then offer an interpretation of both the statement and response — a means of evaluating the communication between both parent and child. Imagine that Susie is struggling to complete her project and is looking frustrated and disgusted with herself. Negative statement “You might as well quit doing that. You’ll never get it right anyway.” What the child hears “We know what you can and can’t do. So face it, we know that you’re just not smart enough.” Child’s reaction “Just what I need — your confidence. You really know how to hurt my feelings. I figure that never means always, so that means I’ll never be able to do any better. What a lousy feeling I’m left with, but I guess I’d better learn to accept it.” Interpretation: insulting, deprecating. This instills in the child a sense of incompetence which encourages the child to abandon any future efforts — to give up and resign him/herself to a state predicted by the parents of being unable to learn. Alternative positive statement “Hey, we know it’s hard but don’t give up because it’s tough. We admire the way you’re trying so hard to do that. You’ll feel real good about yourself when you do solve it — and we know that you can and will. Go for it!” Interpretation: supportive, empathic. Encouragement is vital when the child is presented with an obstacle. At this time, it is particularly important to be there for the child because your caring and understanding is very evident during a time of difficulty. We must avoid criticizing or belittling a child’s efforts or ideas, though we may feel that they are of negligible value. Expect the best the child has to offer despite the fact that occasional mediocre attempts will occur. Al and Anne Bodin are retired licensed marriage, family and child therapists with former practices in Ashland and California. DailyTidings.com Home Page Archives | Revels | Classifieds | Real Estate Guide | Weather | Subscribe | Contact Us Copyright 2005 Ashland Daily Tidings and Ottaway Newspapers All Rights Reserved Free Musick Downloads Slippers Ceramic Piggy Banks Heloc Calenders 2005 Women's & Men's Slippers Accelerate Weightloss Products Memory Foam Mattress tcg student loan consolidation Home Equity Loans teleconferencing W2 Forms cortisol weight loss Diamonds Paris Hilton Mesothelioma Free Home-Loan Referrals Tatoos Website Design & Marketing Student Loans African Safari Conference Calls - $50/Month Security Systems Helzberg Diamonds Currancy Exchange Online Casinos Community Student Loans Tatoo Poker Games Homeschooling Auto Insurance Mortgage Calculator Mailing Lists Payday Loans Click Here .:Advertisements:. Site Search: RESOURCES - Mail Tribune News - ODOT Road Cams