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http:// --> Ashland, Oregon HOME Valley & State Sports Nation & World Opinion/Editorial Classifieds Business Columnists Local Issues Obituaries Weather Archive Revels Etcetera Backpage Hot Topics Most Viewed Forum Photo Galleries Video Readers Polls O-Zone Online Games Movie Preview Special Sections Real Estate Guide Menu Guide Shakespeare Subscribe Contact Us Rate Card Place an Ad Top Galleries: December 26, 2006 Three Jennifer Margulis Archives Monday December 11th Monday December 18th Tuesday December 26th Monday January 8th Monday January 15th Monday January 22nd Monday January 29th Monday February 5th By Jennifer Margulis Tidings Correspondent At lunch my son goes into the kitchen and closes the door, making sure it's latched. He's gone for a long time. When I check on him he's finishing the last spoonful of the sugary yogurt that I told him he could not have. "What are you doing?" I ask. "Sneaking yogurt!" At three Etani is irresistibly drawn to everything verboten. The second you tell him not to do something, he struggles to get to it. He grabs a beer can off the table and guzzles it — not so much because he likes the taste of beer but because he knows he's not supposed to. We ask him to be gentle with the dog so he drags her to a spot in the yard where we can't see them and sits on her. Then pulls her tail. Then picks her up by her hind legs and wheelbarrows her around the yard. James comes inside with a pained look on his face carrying Etani, who's shrieking to be let down. "He's abusing the dog," he says. "I told him he can't play with her anymore." I remember how horrified I was when my midwife's son killed three of their baby chicks because he "hugged" them too hard. Now my own son is being unkind to our pet. I decide to give him a bath. In the seconds it takes to get a towel, Etani takes the soap and squeezes it through his fingers so it makes little clumps. Then he pulls the plug and starts stuffing the clumps down the drain. I grab his hand and yell, "What you're doing is not OK!" "I don't like you when you're mad at me," he says in his little high voice as I pull him out of the tub and wrap him in a dry towel. "It hurts my feelings." "I don't like it when you ruin our only good soap," I say back, trying not to be furious. "Sorry Mommy." He lays his head on my shoulder. "Why do you do that?" I ask. But of course he can't answer. How many adults can give a rational explanation of most of their behavior? Even though he is the youngest of three, I am perpetually baffled. Is it because I don't remember how trying his older sisters were when they were three or because Etani is uniquely annoying? His exasperating behavior confuses me because Etani doesn't like to make us angry and he doesn't like to hurt things. When his sister scrapes her knee he rushes over to give her a hug. "I feel really bad for Tillie," he says of my great aunt who's on a morphine drip dying in the hospital. He's compassionate and considerate and he wants to be good. Yet every day — no every half an hour (make that every five minutes) — he does something so infuriating I want tolook in the phone book and find a boarding school for three year olds. Suddenly in the bathroom I have an answer for my own question. "It's interesting to you, isn't it? When the soap softens up it gets all mushy, and that feels nice on your fingers?" His eyes red from crying, Etani just nods. It doesn't take my frustration away to know that he's not trying to destroy everything in the entire house just for the sake of destroying it but that he's trying to fathom the core of each substance (be it the couch cushions or the dog's paws) but when I think of it the way he does (mushy soap = good thing to squeeze, hmm, how much do I have to smush it to get it to fit through this small metal space?) it helps me understand him better. "I'm a penguin! I'm a penguin!" After his bath and before he's fully dressed, Etani has found filthy black flippers and is stomping around, "singing" at the top of his lungs. My first response is annoyance. I want to tell him to be quiet. He picks up one foot with an enormous flipper on it and smacks it down, his naked belly hanging over his shorts, and a grin as wide as Texas on his face. One day he'll be taller than me and off to college. Maybe my job is to let him be a penguin for as long as he likes. Jennifer Margulis is the author of "Why Babies Do That: Baffling Baby Behavior Explained." Current Comments: I daresay there are *worse* things he could be smooshing between his fingers than soap! Three was a very tactile age for my boys - and a very busy year for my washing machine! Kris - Kona, HI - December 28th, 1:35 PM sounds like the apple doesn't fall far from the tree--your own anger and reactions to things seem disproportionate to the real struggle that most people face day to day here--niamey is a small town ellie - niamey - December 29th, 11:04 AM What is 'ellie' talking about? Saying "What you're doing is not okay," is disproportionate? It ain't exactly Mommy Dearest, either. What's it got to do with Niamey, anyway? The location isn't mentioned--except as ellie's own location. And BTW, when my cousin was stationed there, it passed a million inhabitants. Ellie's last comment that it's a 'small town' sounds more like a stalker threat. Mike G. - Plano, TX - December 31st, 10:56 AM I feel for Jennifer Margulis. Being a patient parent 24 hours a day is impossible. Trying to understand her 3 year old is useful, and I admire her. Let's try to support each other by empathizing with each others impatience. We love our children so much, and want to do right by them. Criticizing each other's angry moments isn't helpful. Judy Kessel ( [email protected] ) - Oakland, CA - February 3rd, 12:22 PM Leave a Comment: Advertisement: Advertisement: Paid Advertising: Debt Help Inkjet Printers Payday Loans Free Ringtones Debt Consolidation Water Filter Security Systems Debt Relief Advertisement: Copyright © 2007 Ashland Daily Tidings and Ottaway Newspapers. All Rights Reserved. Del.icio.us