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This Father's Day, show Dad you care by giving him back his old underwear By Ned Hickson Father's Day will soon be here. That means Dad will once again be wearing clean underwear and smelling like he was attacked by a cologne salesman (who, in self defense, Dad likely strangled with his new paisley tie.) This year, why not break from tradition and do something special by letting Dad keep his multiple-exit underwear and, instead, give him something he really wants. Like, say...an air freshener that smells like a pork chop? That's right. As a service to fathers, we'll be discussing some alternative gifts for Dad. Things that say how much you care about him even though, apparently, the Consumer Products Safety Commission does not. Before we start, let me assure you that all of the following items are: 1) Real products. 2) Created by people whose primary heat source-I'm guessing-was a bong. We'll begin with the aforementioned air freshener. When you get right down to it, the majority of men have two things on their mind (okay, three-but this is a family newspaper). Those things are cars and meat. This Father's Day, you can combine the best of both worlds by making Dad's car smell like a giant pork chop. Thanks to new meat-scented air fresheners from Funk Fresh, you can throw away that pine-scented air freshener hanging from the rearview mirror and replace it with a realistic looking pork chop, bacon strip or T-bone steak. Within minutes, the aroma of smoked meat will permeate the interior of Dad's car, providing him with hours of pleasurable driving. And the comfort of knowing-for once-the smell isn't coming from something stuffed between the seats. Our next item is perfect for those hardworking, coffee-drinking dads who are always looking to squeeze more from their day. For these fathers, what better way to express your appreciation than by giving him his own Internet Urinal. Imagine his sense of pride (and relief) watching as less-appreciated fathers make frequent trips to the bathroom while, thanks to the thoughtfulness of his family, he remains at his desk with no excuse to leave. At least not until that bran muffin hits. These next two items are prefect for fathers whose jobs are so stressful they can't even use an Internet Urinal. This first one reduces stress by allowing Dad to grow something at work that is both calming AND won't break the no smoking policy. I'm talking, of course, about the Mr. T Chia Pet. This gift will provide many stress-free hours for Dad who, depending on his level of enthusiasm, can quickly grow a full mohawk of Chia hair and, just as quickly, be avoided by everyone in the office. And if that isn't enough, you can throw in a Singing Stress Turtle for good measure. Picture Dad in his office or cubicle, tending to his Mr. T Chia Pet and listening to a rubber turtle as it crawls along the floor singing: Slow down, you move to fast. Got to make the morning last.... If you include the Internet Urinal in this scenario, Dad will truly feel as though he's hit the Father's Day tri-fecta. Which brings us to our final gift suggestion: Men's Underwear Repair Kit. To a man, you just can't beat his favorite pair of old underwear. That's because, in most cases, they'll fall apart. Which is why he'll truly appreciate something that says you don't care how schlocky he looks, just as long as he's comfortable and has no intention of leaving the house. Along with things like a needle, thread, iron-on patches and an elastic waist band replacement, the kit also includes a bottle of "Underwear White-Out" for those times when bleach: a) Isn't enough, or b) Will cause his favorite underwear to implode on contact. That said, it doesn't really matter what you give Dad this Father's Day, as long as it comes from the heart. And nothing says that better than a pork chop. You can write to Ned Hickson at [email protected] or at the Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439 LINKS: DAILY TIDINGS: Main | News | Sports | Business | Obituaries | Opinion | Columnists | AP News | Subscribe | Archives | Weather | Classifieds | Contact Us | Privacy REVELS: Main | Calendar | Dining | Movies | T.V. OTHER: Road Cams Copyright 2003 Ashland Daily Tidings 541.482.3456. 1661 Siskiyou Blvd., Ashland, OR 97520. Ottaway Newspapers, Inc. - Advertisers -