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--> --> Could this be the same man who shot Liberty Valance? By Larry Berteau My son - the lone heir to the vast Berteau fortune - has had the audacity to grow up. No matter how much I railed against it - upbraiding him at every turn of the calendar page - he has brashly attained teenagedom. Not far into it, but enough that the Oregon Department of Motor Vehicles has determined he is old enough to drive a car. That's right. It was no more than a few weeks ago when I was covertly releasing my hand from the rear fender on his two-wheeled bike and watching him spin off into the initial firmament of transportational freedom. That was followed about a month later when he was cleared to roam the streets of Ashland on his bike - unfettered and unsupervised - by none other than me and my wife, that woman of perpetual mirth. At least it seems like only that long ago. ·   ·   · Mere hours after his 15th birthday, Geoff (that's his name) marched stolidly into the DMV, taking up the department on its pledge: "If you're 15 years or older, come give it a shot, Buster." Being the devoted father that I am, I had attempted to help him out with the "book" - the DMV's guide to passing its computerized test. I knew only too well that the book was as poorly constructed as the exam, and Geoff would need my help. In fact, the "book" is as clear as a Thomas Pynchon novel; the test as negotiable as a plot line in a Fellini film. How fortunate for Geoff I was there for him. How unfortunate for me I had no idea how unwanted and unneeded my assistance was. The conversation went something like this: Dad: There are a few things you need to know about that "book." Geoff: (silent, arching an eyebrow that suggested my knowledge of the "book" or any book for that matter was best kept to myself so as not to reveal yet one more of my insurmountable incapabilities.) Author's note: Geoff has very expressive eyebrows. Dad: Seriously. I had to pass that test when we came here eight years ago. Geoff: (Probing, acquisitive tone) How many did you miss? Dad: (Proudly) Four. Geoff: Gee dad. I've already got plenty of coaching from my friends. Dad: For instance? Geoff: When in doubt, go extreme. Dad: Oh. I had no idea what that meant, but he said it with such punch I dared not inquire. (Plus, he arched that eyebrow again.) OK. Extreme is good. That's good advice, I said, sinking my hands deep in my pockets, rolling my shoulders forward at a knowing rake, and sauntering off like Jimmy Stewart after finding out Liberty Valance was in town. ·   ·   · He took the test - sans my worldly "book" knowledge. He missed two. He couldn't even wait to tell me at home. He called me at work. As it turned out that wasn't such a bad thing. That gave me ample time to assemble my argument as to how the test had been "dumbed down" in recent years. ·   ·   · Of course, that wasn't the end of it. Geoff was suffering from a wacky notion that now he was going to get to actually drive a car. It's true. Where he got that impression is beyond me - some kind of transitory trance. He actually thought that someone of his generation, that same generation that had required the DMV to dumb down its test, that same generation that makes such a big deal out of the odd parental error in judgment, would be allowed to aim a missile down the interstate in real life - without a remote, pause button, or play station! I think not. And even though "there ain't a guy north of the picket line tougher than Liberty Valance - 'cept'n maybe me," - the front seat of the family car just ain't big enough, or safe enough, for me, Geoff, and those overarching eyebrows. Larry Berteau is editor of The Tidings. Email your... Technical questions & comments to: WebMaster Daily Tidings editorial comments & questions to: Editor Visit our other Oregon Newspapers... | Albany Democrat-Herald | Ashland Daily Tidings | Corvallis Gazette-Times | | Lebanon Express | Newport News-Times | Springfield News | Cottage Grove Sentinel | Ashland Daily Tidings 1661 Siskiyou Blvd. Ashland, OR 97520 Telephone 541-482-3456 © Copyright 2001 Lee Northwest Publishing