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From mouths of babes: Reasons for Dad to avoid eye contact with Mom By Ned Hickson Few things can turn a pleasant, family drive along the coast into 50 miles of hell with an ocean view faster than when your son 1) says something inappropriate that 2) sounds like it came from his father. Case in point: While taking a leisurely drive this week, my four-year-old son suddenly blurted out "When I get bigger, I'm gonna have a girlfriend." Okay, no big deal. With one hand on the wheel, I exchanged a wink with my wife and smirked. "I'll bet you are, son." "Yeah! I'm gonna have TWO girlfriends!" This, of course, brought a raised eye brow from my wife, who smiled and waved a finger at me. Chuckling, I raised my hands in mock defense, then explained to my little Casanova that, if he was a lucky man, he'd have a wife and family some day. This was apparently the response my wife was looking for because she reached over and took my hand. "But I'm not gonna have a wife," my son added. "Just a girl friend - then a mean witch will turn her into a wife." Case in point number two: There's no place to run in a car. Being that I was the driver, I had to make sure the road was my primary concern even though my hand, which remained in my wife's possession, had suddenly lost all feeling. "Where would our son ever get an idea like that, honey?" my wife asked. At that moment, I would've given anything for someone - ANYONE - to get car sick or have a bowel movement. Or both. Especially if it was me. Time stopped as my mind contemplated the proper response, which meant finding just the right combination of words and body language-such as "Marriage Rocks!" and then leaping from the car into the grill of a passing Winnebago. At this point, I turned to the collective wisdom of men gathered through millions of years of evolution. Utilizing this wisdom, I avoided all eye contact by driving as though I was guiding a nuclear sub through heavily mined waters (which, in essence, I was) and, clearing my throat, said in a distinct voice: Absolutely nothing. That's right. As I said, this is the collective wisdom of men. I didn't say it would actually work. "Well..?" my wife said, squeezing my hand even tighter (I know this only because my daughter suddenly poked her head between the seats and said, "Eeewww, Dad's hand looks really weird.") It was clear that I wasn't going to get out of this without some kind of distraction, such as a 50-car pile-up. That left only one option, which meant going against everything I'd been taught as a man and, regardless of the consequences, actually saying something in my defense. Taking a deep breath, I broke my gaze from the road just long enough to make brief eye contact with my wife's forehead before offering my confession: "Please don't be mad, but I think he got it from Barney and Friends." "Eeewww - Dad's hand!" my daughter screamed. "I'm serious!" I pleaded. "The Story Lady - She has weird books! She's from Jamaica!" My wife wasn't buying it (even though I really do have concerns about someone with a magic door and - as far as I can tell - no permanent address). The truth is, we still have no idea where our son came up with such a ridiculous statement, which, I'd like to add, in no way reflects the opinion of any married man I know. I'd also like to say to any unmarried men who might be reading this, when you DO meet that special someone, use the collective wisdom of men. And find yourself a good hand surgeon. You can write to Ned Hickson at [email protected] or at the Siuslaw News at P.O. Box 10, Florence, Ore. 97439 LINKS: DAILY TIDINGS: Main | News | Sports | Business | Obituaries | Opinion | Columnists | AP News | Subscribe | Archives | Weather | Classifieds | Contact Us | Privacy REVELS: Main | Calendar | Dining | Movies | T.V. OTHER: Road Cams Copyright 2003 Ashland Daily Tidings 541.482.3456. 1661 Siskiyou Blvd., Ashland, OR 97520. Ottaway Newspapers, Inc. - Advertisers -