Document text
--> --> Nov. 23: During lightning, avoid Britney Spears By Ned Hickson Being safe means avoiding Britney Spears during lightning storms Here on the Oregon coast, lightning is a rare phenomenon. So rare, in fact, that most of us have absolutely no idea what to do in the event of an electrical storm. I know this because, as an Oregonian, I can attest to the fact that most of us run to the nearest plate glass window to watch lightning, often while wrapping wild game in tin foil and exclaiming, "Wow, did you see how close that was?! We better take the TV antenna down!" It was because of this that Hands Across America did not include holding hands with anyone in Oregon. As a columnist with the awesome power of the print media at my disposal, I have an opportunity-an obligation-to help educate my readership, and perhaps save the lives of as many as a dozen people. However, before we talk about safety, we must first understand lightning and its relation to space. Space is what I must fill each week in order to keep my job; therefore, we will start with the atom. If you were to break the universe down to its most basic element, you would get in really big trouble. You would also get the smallest form of matter known to man - the atom. To give you a sense of scale, it takes nine atoms to make one Britney Spears bikini. Following that line of thought, it takes approximately nine Britney Spears to make one Oprah Winfrey. And while one Oprah Winfrey makes more money than nine Britney Spears, you will eventually discover a fundamental law of physics, which is that one bikini will not fit around nine Oprah Winfreys. Especially if that bikini belongs to Britney Spears. My point, of course, is that if I ever want to see my wife in a bikini again, I really need to move on. This brings us to static electricity, which is caused by the interaction between protons and electrons within an atom. Protons contain "positive" charges. Electrons contain "negative" charges. As atoms come into contact, they exchange protons and electrons, creating charges that eventually show up on your Visa bill in the form of static. For example: If my wife were to find the purchase of a Britney Spears poster on our credit card, the result would be...? You guessed it: Static! That static is then carried directly into the atmosphere on sound waves created by...? You guessed it: My wife! Once it reaches the atmosphere, static is then transformed into super-charged electricity as it comes in contact with other bits of static from other wives whose husbands weren't smart enough to use cash when purchasing their own Britney Spears poster. It is this super-charged static electricity that eventually forms lightning bolts, which return to the earth and strike unsuspecting husbands-usually while they're watching the American Music Awards. OK, now that we understand where lightning comes from, it's time to discuss safety. First, it is a common misconception that the safest place to be during a lightning storm is inside a car. While a car certainly offers a protective barrier between you and a rogue lightning bolt, it's still not as safe as the protective barrier created by...? You guessed it: Nine Oprah Winfreys! Still, the safest place to be during a lightning storm is indoors. This is because metal plumbing and electrical wiring create a protective web that will carry a lightning strike to the ground. Because of this, it's important to stay away from windows, plumbing fixtures, electric appliances, and, if at all possible, Britney Spears. I hope this has been helpful. Now, if you'll excuse me, I promised my wife I'd put more tin foil on the TV antenna. Ned Hickson writes for the Siuslaw News, and can be reached by e-mail at [email protected] Email your... Technical questions & comments to: WebMaster Daily Tidings editorial comments & questions to: Editor Visit our other Oregon Newspapers... | Albany Democrat-Herald | Ashland Daily Tidings | Corvallis Gazette-Times | | Lebanon Express | Newport News-Times | Springfield News | Cottage Grove Sentinel | Ashland Daily Tidings 1661 Siskiyou Blvd. Ashland, OR 97520 Telephone 541-482-3456 © Copyright 2001 Lee Northwest Publishing