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Mochas, midrash and mysteries: Guilt can be good Wednesday Sep 7, 2016 at 12:01 AM I’m pro-guilt. Guilt is good. Guilt helps us stay on track because it’s about our behavior. It occurs when we compare something we’ve done — or failed to do — with our personal values. ... Shame (by contrast) corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change. — Dr. Brené Brown Last month, Rabbi Joshua Boettiger, my chavruta (sacred text) partner, shared rich thoughts about "the gift of guilt." Like research psychologist Brené Brown, Rabbi Joshua and I would likely characterize ourselves as "pro-guilt." That's because, as Brown points out, guilt is about behavior, which is correctable, and can lead to stronger bonds. In August, Rabbi Joshua wrote: "When we commit some transgression that we feel guilty about, if we are able to do the work of 'turning towards,' it is then that we will encounter the G-d of mercy. Ultimately, our misdeed has the potential to bring us into deeper relationship with G-d and with one another." Guilt versus shame Guilt and shame must be distinguished. Brown draws the line clearly and crucially. Guilt helps us to stay on track morally and ethically, drawing inner attention to a disjuncture between our most deeply held values and our actions. Shame, by contrast, is a feeling of unworthiness, as though, as Brown writes elsewhere, we are not — and will never be — "enough." It causes inner paralysis, hopelessness and helplessness. Rabbi Joshua's insight — that guilt can bring us closer to the G-d of mercy who always lifts us up after we fall, and to one another — reveals the power of guilt to spur responsible action that improves us, our friendships, our family lives and our community. Restorative justice Restorative justice offers a model for healing ourselves, our relationships, and our communities when we commit a misdeed. Spearheaded in our region by the Medford-based nonprofit, Resolve, restorative justice is an ancient and new approach to making ethical and relational lemonade out of lemons. Resolve describes it this way: Restorative justice is a community-based and trauma-informed practice used to strengthen communities, repair harm and restore relationships when wrongdoings occur. It is a set of principles, values and practices that create safe spaces for honest dialogue to take place. Let's say that I rob a community member, taking something from their home in the middle of the night. In the restorative justice model, I would be guided to come to terms with the harm of that action on myself (loss of personal ethical integrity), on those I harmed (their loss of what I stole and of their sense of security), on those who love me (loss of trust), and on the wider community (increased fear). The "offender" must acknowledge the wrongdoing, experience healthy guilt and take action to repair the harm and to avoid future misdeeds. What happens when the full restorative process runs its course is that offender, victims, family members and caring community members grow in their commitment and affection for each other. Harmed relationships are imbued with a deep joy that arises spontaneously from the experience of hope: a new beginning for all. Let's celebrate the right kind of guilt that brings us back to our senses, to our core values, and to a commitment to one another. Let's be pro-guilt. — Daniel Murphy promotes human flourishing through Integrity of Life Services LLC, and is a member of Our Lady of the Mountain Catholic Church in Ashland.