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--> --> `If you're going after Jesse James, organize a posse' By Roger Simon SIMON SAYS: Whoever invented that new "tear-by-hand" sealing tape ought to get a Nobel Prize. If Amtrak were a pet, we'd have put it to sleep by now. Every man has one suit "too good to wear," which means just about the only time he wears it is when he is buried in it. I knew the baseball players weren't going to go on strike. If they had, who would have paid for their steroids? Al Gore's recent speech blasting President Bush's plan to invade Iraq may have been very good for Gore - it distanced him from the rest of the Democratic pack - but not so good for Democrats up for election in November: They want the issue to go away, which means a quick vote of support from Congress and then a laser-like focus on the terrible state of the economy before Election Day. Admit it, you're too chicken to take pennies out of the change cup at the cash register, even if you need them. Why do kids love bandages? If you know somebody who wears a pocket handkerchief, he's probably your father. Is there still a Roller Derby? People who hang their sunglasses from the necks of their t-shirts are usually goons. I know there is a right way and wrong way to hook up jumper cables, I just can never remember which is which. A true fact: An eyelash usually falls out after five months. (Question: In that case, how come they don't all fall out at once?) There is something very sad about seeing an abandoned farm building, weathered gray and slumping to one side. I really wish restaurants would stop already with the exotic sorbets. A few nights ago, I was offered a dessert assortment of prickly pear, green tea and basil-kumquat. My favorite women's stores are the ones with chairs and magazines. Nobody has ever figured out how to use the conference call feature on their telephone. It now seems like the most natural thing in the world to pay for drinking water. I like staying in hotel rooms where the bathroom is nicer than the one at home. Here it is 2002, and we still don't know what to call the decade. We had the '80s, the '90s and now what? The Oughts? Most Americans alive today do not know that tomatoes are not supposed to taste like hockey pucks. Best line from Al Gore's anti-Iraq speech: "If you're going after Jesse James, you ought to organize the posse first." I hope Sears doesn't ruin Lands' End. I admire people with the guts to eat alone in fancy restaurants. (And, yes, it's OK to bring a book or magazine.) How do I know that as soon as I buy a DVD player, it will be obsolete? I never thought Silvio would turn against Tony. Hardcover pick of the month: "Sandy Koufax: A Lefty's Legacy" by Jane Leavy. Did stores always start pushing Halloween stuff in mid-September? A sign of adulthood: Switching from milk chocolate to bittersweet. Want to get great service at a restaurant? Take out a notebook and start writing. They will assume you are a restaurant critic. Isn't "not paying attention to what you are doing" and "multi-tasking" really the same thing? Roger Simon is a syndicated columnist for the Baltimore Sun. Email your... Technical questions & comments to: WebMaster Daily Tidings editorial comments & questions to: Editor Visit our other Oregon Newspapers... | Albany Democrat-Herald | Ashland Daily Tidings | Corvallis Gazette-Times | | Lebanon Express | Newport News-Times | Springfield News | Cottage Grove Sentinel | Ashland Daily Tidings 1661 Siskiyou Blvd. Ashland, OR 97520 Telephone 541-482-3456 © Copyright 2001 Lee Northwest Publishing