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One is the loneliest number Singles are not in love with Valentine's Day hype By JULIE SWENSEN No, this isn't yet another story about how to be romantic for your lover on Valentine's Day. It's for all the other people out there -- those who won't be escaping to romantic getaways at the beach, buying roses and lingerie, taking advantage of half-off health club fees if you bring in your better half. Sure, it sounds nice, but it can be a bit of a burden if you're not part of a pair. The Valentine's Day marketing blitz can evoke some less-than-heartwarming feelings from singles in a society where being part of a couple is the norm. A check of anti-Valentine's Day Web sites confirms this: One site suggests marking the occasion by firebombing a Hallmark shop; another says, "The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach ... from the front. From the rear, it is the gap between the fifth and sixth ribs." Survival tips Tips on surviving Valentine's Day, compiled from singles in Jackson County and the World Wide Web. Buy a present for yourself -- don't wait for someone else to. Treat yourself to a spa visit or that piece of clothing you've been wanting but never bought. If you just got out of a bad relationship, celebrate your new-found freedom by inviting friends over for a "film festival" of movies about bad relationships, such as "The War of the Roses." Reach out and help someone. Volunteer your time; donate some money to a homeless shelter or another worthy cause. Get out and join a group, or take up a new hobby. Call people and do something that has nothing to do with romance. Watch a comedy film, go bowling, play bingo. Photo illustration by Bob Pennell of the Mail Tribune A third sums it up simply: "Remember, cupid rhymes with stupid.' For others, tossing it aside is not so easy. Take Austin Bassett, 20, who's surrounded by reminders of his singleness this time of year on the job as a floral designer at The Rose Cart in Jacksonville. "All this love floating around and no one's loving you -- totally, it's very difficult," he said. He and friends plan to buy flowers for each other and have what he called a "pity party." Maybe it's because of all that love floating around that Personally Speaking -- the Mail Tribune's personal ad section -- does more business in February than in any other month of the year. And judging by the last U.S. census, which lists marital status for males and females 15 years and older, Bassett and those personal-ad placers aren't the only ones out there looking for love. Out of the 55,800 males in Jackson County: 12,912 had never married. 1,043 were separated. 1,449 were widowed. 5,884 were divorced. Out of the 59,791 females in the county: 9,565 had never married. 1,274 were separated. 7,039 were widowed. 7,394 were divorced. Despite the company, some singles say they feel like outcasts. "Valentine's Day is a real bummer if you don't have anybody," said Slopes and Trails singles group member Melinda Moore, 51, of Merlin, who was thinking of visiting friends in California this weekend to avoid it. "If you're not part of a couple, you're not much of anything. That's what I've found in this culture, anyway." J.R. Baker, who heads a singles ministry at First Church of the Nazarene in Medford, said Valentine's Day by and large is a difficult time for single people. Even though some have come to grips with being single and enjoy its benefits, probably a greater percentage really struggle with being alone -- especially on Valentine's Day, when the emphasis is on relationships, he said. People who aren't in a relationship see a cultural bias that says being married or in a relationship equals being complete as a human being, and that's not necessarily so, he said. One member of Baker's singles group, Robin Lee, 52, of Medford, says seeing Valentine's Day displays in stores stirs longing for someone to share the romance with and to cherish. Another member, Janis Weber, 45, of Central Point, said Valentine's Day can make her feel left out at her job at a bank, where there's a tendency for employees to get "tons and tons" of flowers. "I think it makes you more aware of being single at that time -- that there is something missing," Weber said. But to her, "it's just kind of another day.' Like Weber, some singles said Valentine's Day is just like any other. Some said they've gotten used to it, they just ignore it, or it doesn't bother them at all. "If you don't have a sweetheart on Valentine's Day, it really doesn't have too much significance," said Dick Conway, 56, of Central Point, a member of the church singles group. One 58-year-old man at a Slopes and Trails get-together said, "if you're out of a relationship, the good part is you don't have to get a gift for anybody." Last year, single Bonnie May, 55, of Grants Pass, spent the holiday with others watching classic comedy movies. "We thought, `Hey, that's as far away from love as you're going to get,' " said May, a Slopes and Trails member who planned to head to a beach resort with other singles in the club this weekend. She suggested single people buy themselves a present, walk the malls, go out with friends, and not be disconnected from others on Valentine's Day. Baker said some people in his church singles group feel free in being single, and that people find there's only one thing worse than being miserable when you're single: being in a miserable marriage. "I think what people must eventually come to grips with is married people always look on the other side of the fence and say, `Wouldn't it be great to be single,' and single people look on the other side of the fence and say, `Wouldn't it be great to be married,' " Baker said. "The fact is, we're just people that are never really satisfied with our lot." Mail Tribune Copyright � The Mail Tribune 1999, Medford, Oregon USA