Document text
0 of 3 Premium Clicks used this month SUBSCRIBE Print + Online Subscriber Activation | Register x Forgot Password | Need an Account? e-edition | subscribe | newsletter | deals Home News Latest Stories Shots fired into Medford home Wind pushes tree over onto Grants Pass woman's car Bates-Dotterrer race leads state's campaign spending spree Elderly woman's kidnapper sentenced to 15 years Restaurant Inspections Crime, Courts and Emergency Services Shots fired into Medford home Wind pushes tree over onto Grants Pass woman's car Elderly woman's kidnapper sentenced to 15 years Emergency Services 'Constant state of paranoia' Politics and Elections Fire chief has sheriff's back Phoenix council races draw a crowd — and debate Winters worn down by criticism Eagle Point might get on the bus Richardson accuses Kitzhaber of 'corruption' in final debate Education Kids Unlimited Academy awarded $450,000 grant County helps fund RCC job training SOU student says free speech issue overblown SOU interim president leads in a different direction Medford school officials consider costs of full-day kindergarten Environment Reintroduction of McCloud River salmon inspires film, tribe Rite Aid bear cub may be released into the wild in spring Rite Aid cub well, could come back to southern Oregon Neighbors smell trouble in proposal to spread waste on Sams Valley farmland Bear cub captured in Ashland pharmacy State news Nation - World Obituaries Donna Lee Norvell Faith Ann Honer Sherry Nell Bean Pat V. Cutler James Luther Hinds, Jr. Weather Photo Galleries Since You Asked Videos Web Cams Mail Tribune 100 Sports Latest Stories Wilson leads Seahawks over Panthers again, 13-9 Earnhardt wins at Martinsville Speedway Streb wins McGladrey Classic in a playoff Beavers’ defense wilts in loss Ducks do a lot of bending in victory Varsity 541 College Sports Beavers’ defense wilts in loss Ducks do a lot of bending in victory Victory puts Raider netters atop standings Beavers fall flat OSU’s pass defense gets failing grade Pro Sports Wilson leads Seahawks over Panthers again, 13-9 Streb wins McGladrey Classic in a playoff New season looks like it’s can’t miss North Carolina coach Williams ‘dumbfounded’ by report LSU pulls off upset of No. 3 Mississippi Community Sports LOCAL EVENTS LOCAL RESULTS Business Latest Stories Southeast Village Center inches closer to reality Winco to build Grants Pass store Business briefs Blog: Let's Celebrate! Old-fashioned hat maker Real Estate News New I-5 interchange puts south Medford on fast lane to fast food Lithia buys Clovis dealership Rental vacancies increase Jackson County real estate sales, prices continue rebound Pallet Wine Co. expands in downtown Medford People In Business People in Business Transportation Frontier Airlines to end Eugene-Denver service Business Resource Fair has answers Erickson's Navy contract extended Lithia buys Clovis dealership Agriculture Hundreds look for work at Harry & David hiring fair Umpqua Holdings more than doubles net earnings Harry & David will hold hiring fair Thursday Ranchers offer livestock exchange 1-800-Flowers CEO: Labor shortage an issue for Harry & David Opinion Latest Our View: Cost is a poor excuse for local pot tax Letters to the Editor, Oct. 26 Dana Milbank: Larry Pressler's quirky Senate campaign Guest Opinion: Common Core testing sets math students up for failure Guest Opinion: Campaigning and voting 'the Oregon way' Editorials Our View: Cost is a poor excuse for local pot tax Don't bet on pot windfall for schools Our View: SOU's 'free speech zone' constitutionally questionable Our View: Kitzhaber is still the best choice Our view: Merkley-Wehby race leaves us unconvinced; Walden seems destined for permanent position Letters to the Editor Letters to the Editor, Oct. 26 Letters to the Editor, Oct. 25 Letters to the Editor, Oct. 24 Letters to the Editor, Oct. 23 Letters to the Editor, Oct. 22 Guest Opinions Guest Opinion: Common Core testing sets math students up for failure Guest Opinion: Campaigning and voting 'the Oregon way' Guest Opinion: A glimpse into the reality of our elections Don't overlook importance of Jackson County commissioners race Measure 92 misleads rather than enlightens Lifestyle Latest stories Rocks and Rhetoric Engagement Wedding: Potter-Hazel Wedding: Martin-Berg Wedding: Hale-Lombardi Food Community blog: Quick breads take well to gluten-free ingredients Community blog: Barrel Aged and Sour Beers Ledger David Cellars has a new winemaker and big plans Community blog: There's a method to mix, match alternative grains Ashland resident's cookbook showcases gluten-free creativity Home and Garden How to live and work in a tiny home Dear Monty: Rent-back clause prevents financial disaster​ Recycle plastic at The Expo Friday and Saturday How to know when trees and shrubs need to go Dear Monty: Is your real estate agent a secret agent? Health Community blog: Finding My Roots Dr. Jeff Hersh: Controversy over breast cancer screening Dr. Murray Feingold: Choose a diet best for you Community blog: The Crowd And The Win - Better Health Joan Endyke: The importance of a healthy diet when pregnant Hiking Biking Faith Religion Briefs Religion Briefs Religion Briefs Religion Briefs Milestones and Achievements Engagement Wedding: Potter-Hazel Wedding: Martin-Berg Wedding: Hale-Lombardi Wedding: Henderson-Carroll Columnist for a Day Rogue Healthy Aging Tempo Latest stories Patty Griffin plays the Historic Ashland Armory Puss 'N' Boots Costume Ball and Auction Southern Oregon Repertory Singers present harmonious voices, dissonant notes Beekeepers Ball is one sweet soiree Scottish music duo plays highland magic Theater Review: Funny 'Lion in Winter' roars to life at Camelot Theatre Camelot presents 'The Lion in Winter' 'Carnage' is short, smart, darkly funny Music Patty Griffin plays the Historic Ashland Armory Live Music in Local Clubs Southern Oregon Repertory Singers present harmonious voices, dissonant notes Beekeepers Ball is one sweet soiree Scottish music duo plays highland magic Community Events Puss 'N' Boots Costume Ball and Auction Theater's haunted house not for faint of heart Third Fridays in downtown Medford Works in progress Southern Oregon Pride Festival celebrates diversity Dining Back Porch Bar & Grill Yu's Yummy Yan's offers great take-out Agave offers tasty tacos Asian cuisine for all seasons at Misoya Bistro Tempo Videos Classifieds Jobs Autos Real Estate FEATURED » Obituaries Blogs TV Listings Movie Listings Oregon Outdoors Oregon Healthy Living Magazines & Special Sections NEWS NOW Shots fired into Medford home ... Wind pushes tree over onto Grants Pass woman's car ... Our View: Cost is a poor excuse for local pot tax ... Shots fired into Medford home ... Wind pushes tree over onto Grants Pass woman's car ... Our View: Cost is a poor excuse for local pot tax ... Beware the tides of March madness ... So, there's this milquetoast average citizen, just a guy, who wound up in prison for springing the lynchpin on a series of events that he couldn't stop. And he gets thrown into a cell with a "� By Robert Galvin MailTribune.com By Robert Galvin Posted Mar. 16, 2014 @ 12:01 am Updated Mar 16, 2014 at 2:01 AM By Robert Galvin Posted Mar. 16, 2014 @ 12:01 am Updated Mar 16, 2014 at 2:01 AM » Social News So, there's this milquetoast average citizen, just a guy, who wound up in prison for springing the lynchpin on a series of events that he couldn't stop. And he gets thrown into a cell with a "¦ What did he do? That's not the point. Whaddya mean, you can't invest in his story if you don't know the details? We do that every day. You never read a newspaper before? OK, OK "¦ he ripped the "Do Not Remove" tag off the pillow in his hotel room and it ultimately led to a natural disaster. Happy now? Fine. So, he gets thrown into a cell with a more hardened miscreant named Amos. Speaking of natural disasters, Gov. John Kitzhaber "¦ no, wait a minute. Gov. Kitzhaber, speaking of natural disasters "¦ no that's not right either. Got it. Speaking of natural disasters, March is Earthquake and Tsunami Awareness Month in Oregon, as proclaimed by Gov. Kitzhaber. The governor appears to have been prescient in his declaration, given that we've already had three little earthquakes off the coast in the past week, and they're going to start measuring radiation levels in the surf as the remnants of the Japanese tsunami continue to wash ashore. And while the Cascadia Subduction Zone has been silent all these years, we've all been forewarned it can strike like a happy phantom at a moment's notice "¦ that makes being reminded this month one-twelfth of a good idea. Of course, you can't have much warning from the strike of a rogue solar flare that, if it were to strike, could knock out electrical and computer services for months, if not years. And just when they think, speaking of disasters, they're starting to make progress with the Cover Oregon website. So our pillow-tag ripper is in his cell with Amos at lights-out, ready for his first night as a prisoner, when he hears a voice from down the hall. "Forty-two," comes the call, and the cellblock erupts into laughter. A few moments later, another voice says, "One-seventy-three," in a cat-like hiss, and once again a wave of guffaws fills the dead night air. The Ripper is perplexed. What could be going on? And so, for the first time, he speaks to Amos and asks what the deal is with the numbers. "Well," Amos says, "we've all been in here for so long that to save time, we've listed the jokes by number and tell 'em that way." A study conducted at Oregon State — home to the famed research that found Mrs. Potato Head to be a better role model than Barbie — has discovered that cows who had previous encounters with wolves suffer a form of PTSD that flares up when they come into close proximity with them again. Well, duh. Anyone who's ever had in-laws could tell you that. They didn't use real wolves for this study, just dogs with wolf-like characteristics "¦ which makes the cows involved both skittish and none too bright. The traumatized cows eat less, are sickly, become aggressive and have difficulty procreating. In-laws, told ya. The real danger in this can be found in the Universal Law of Unintended Consequences — like when the potential of Jackson County banning GMOs could lead to the banishment of medical marijuana-growing operations. (Imagine the conundrum at the Spotted Owl Society over that one.) Still, if its a fait accompli that the cows can't produce enough byproduct for cheese, how is the European Union going to get angry about what we call Parmesan? The EU (prounced ewwwww) is cheese'd off about the audacity of Americas usurping its continental right to Parmesa and Gorgonzola and Muenster. They're even grouchy about bologna. (Wanna bet their baloney doesn't have a first name?) The Ripper decides to fit in with the gang by telling a joke of his own. "Eighty-four," he shouts. "¦ Nothing. "Eighty-four," he tries again. Still nothing. Maybe, he says to himself, that 84 just isn't on the joke list. "I'll try a different number," he says to Amos, and blurts out "One-thirty-six." Now, he can hear the slamming of books to the floor and the banging of metal objects across cell bars. The inmates are restless. Any idiot can face a crisis, Pavel Chekov said, it's day to day living that wears you out. Humans can create a eyeglasses that can feed you information and provide a 360-degree view of the world "¦ yet a single airplane can vanish without a trace for more than a week. There are now apps that sound (and smell) like frying bacon, because we don't have enough bacon in our lives — yet 20 percent of us admit to having urinated in a public swimming pool. And, if that's dehumanizing enough, some businesses now have their employees at stand-up terminals where they're walking on treadmills as they conduct business. Might as well put a chunk of "Swiss-style" cheese on a stick just out of their reach. And then, on the beaches near San Diego, unconfirmed reports are floating about that some rental shops are giving tourists surfboards that have been injected with human blood. The agenda, apparently, is to have sharks home in on the tourists and leave the natives free to surf the biggest waves. Awareness month or not, the tsunamis are waiting. "What am I doing wrong?" The Ripper asks, but by this point all Amos is doing is staring at him and shaking his head. Desperate, The Ripper lets loose with a stream of numbers — surely one of them will hit a funny bone." "Seventy-one "¦ three "¦ ninety-nine "¦ one-sixty-six "¦" Nothing. Defeated, he sits on his bunk and pulls his pillow (which still has its "Do Not Remove" tag attached) to his chest. Amos rises, crosses the cell and looks down upon him." "Kid," he says. "Some people just don't know how to tell a joke." Mail Tribune news editor Robert Galvin can be reached at [email protected] By Robert Galvin MailTribune.com By Robert Galvin Posted Mar. 16, 2014 @ 12:01 am Updated Mar 16, 2014 at 2:01 AM » Comment or view comments Reader Reaction » STAY INFORMED Email NewsLetter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. calendar Connect with MailTribune.com Facebook Twitter RSS Back to top Reader Services Reader Services Home Subscriptions Subscriber controls Contact us Submissions Photos Events Letters to the editor Corrections Announcements Obituaries Story ideas Since you asked Alerts Email Alerts RSS Feeds Text Alerts Advertise Media Kit Home Products and services Ad rates Advertising contacts Mail Tribune Daily Tidings The Nickel Shop Our Valley Blogs Stay Informed Email newsletter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. Your privacy is important, read our privacy policy. © Copyright 2014 Local Media Group, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | Local Media Group Publications Original content available for non-commercial use under a Creative Commons license, except where noted. MailTribune.com | P.O. Box 1108, Medford, OR 97501