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May I have a few moments of your time? By Robert Galvin Mar 19, 2022 05:53 PM A A galvin_lawn.jpg You might not have taken notice — what with the war against totalitarianism ongoing in Ukraine, the end of the indoor mask mandates across Oregon, and the tease of rain clouds over the Rogue Valley — but something miraculous happened the other day. The United States Senate, that august body of fancy-pants flap-doodlers, voted unanimously to end the process of falling forward and springing back into place. This raises three rather pertinent questions: 1. If the U.S. House of Representatives, that cauldron of unherded cats, goes along with the plan to kill Daylight Saving Time, and it’s then signed into law by President Biden … are we doomed to change the batteries in our smoke alarms only when they run low and start incessantly beeping in the middle of the night? 2. … umm, well … I honestly don’t have three questions, but the Weekly Columnists Union insists that such matters are handled in threes, so please just skip ahead … And 3. Now that we got the Senate to do anything unanimously, what else could we get them to accomplish without waging war on the Sunday talk shows? As long as they’re in the time-management business, why don’t they get rid of Leap Day? Every four years, trick question smart-alecs have to amend their standard brain teaser to “How many months of the year have 29 days?” just so we can rush to Wikipedia to find the meanings of the words “intercalating” and “bissextile.” Leap Days, Leap Seconds … there’s even a Leap Month for you Lunisolarist adherents out there … all of this astrological mumbo-jumbo that I’m sure serves some noble purpose — y’know the type, like the “DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG UNDER PENALTY OF LAW” tags that keep us awake at night cowering under the covers in fear that the Pillow Police will break down our doors at 2 a.m. (or 1 a.m., or 3 a.m. … depending on whether we’re saving or losing time). Since we’re counting sheep anyway, let’s move on from hours and days and straight into weeks. We learn in first grade (which, of course, isn’t our first year in school) that there are 52 weeks in the year. Now, 52 is a fine number for a deck of cards or Oregon gubernatorial candidates (even if not all of them are playing with a full deck.) But for a year? I think not. Consider this: If you look at your handy-dandy 2022 calendar, you’ll notice that this year actually contains portions of 53 weeks. And beyond that … remember those seven days a week? Welp, even if we accept the flawed notion of 52 weeks … if you multiply that by 7 you get … ... wait a second, I have to take off my shoes and socks for this … now, which little piggy is it that ate gluten-free, GMO-free, fat-free, lactose-free, sugar-free, sodium-free, zero-calorie energy bars? … … well, how about that? … you get 364 days! So, clearly, we don’t need to be adding any more days. Instead, let’s have the Senate decide to remove two weeks — I suggest those two weeks in late September, early October when we’re all frankly sick of what should be mid-July temperatures — from the calendar. That would give us nice round numbers of 50 weeks and 350 days a year. Now we’re getting somewhere! And speaking of September and October … it’s time to bissextile the order of the months (not that there’s anything wrong with that) and intercalate those referencing the seventh through 10th in order back to where they belong … after June. Let the Caesars have what rightfully belongs to them … the bitter cold caboose of the train. Why’d they get to cut in line anyway? That way, we could celebrate Christmas either in the new “August” or what used to be August but would instead be December. Don’t blame me for this, blame Congress and their willy-nilly desire to unanimously decide, for once, to give us the time of day. Then again, if they really wanted to help us navigate through the 52 x 7 + 1 of our lives, they’d pass a law eliminating the past couple of years. Mail Tribune columnist Robert Galvin, who like most broken clocks is right twice a day, can be reached at [email protected].