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Mark Freeman Commentary Once hooked, you'll never catch him alive By MARK FREEMAN Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you introduce him to a strange and wonderful hobby that will consume him to the depths of his soul, one level at a time. Teach a man to fish, and you will entice him to keep fishing, first on the occasional weekend and then more regularly. Soon he will convince himself to give up tennis, Rotary and golf to make room for more fishing. Teach a man to fish, and you will expose him to the rush of catching and keeping fish for the barbecue. He will feel like a provider, even though the two trout he kills one day at Howard Prairie Lake pencil out to $174 apiece if you account for the costs of the rod, reel, fly line, flies and other assorted gear. Teach a man to fish, and you will ruin his climb up the corporate ladder. He will stop working 60-hour weeks and start devoting large chunks of free time to planning fishing, planning more fishing, reading about fishing and talking fishing like a moderator discussing interest rates on the Financial News Network. Teach a man to fish, and you will alter his appearance. The mousse and manicures are first to go, replaced by a long-billed fishing hat and reel oil under his nails. And he starts to smell a little. Teach a man to fish, and you will find him in your way. He will adopt your favorite fishing spots as his own, casting your flies into your "honey hole." So what if he's on path to ruin his life? Now, he's messing with yours. Teach a man to fish, and you will start to doubt the wisdom of teaching this man to fish. You will wish he never learned to fish. Teach a man to fish, and you will change his concept of reliable transportation. He will trade in his Lexus for a 1985 Cherokee, put on a tow hitch and start hanging Kwikfish salmon lures off the visor. Then, he'll tie the spare tire to the roof so he can make more room for waders and float tubes, and soon cash out his 401k to buy a driftboat. Teach a man to fish, and you will change his concept of friends. Soon more hairy, smelly men with '85 Cherokees and no noticeable means of employment will be calling, then loitering, at home. Where he once swapped stock tips, he will swap fly-tying tips. Teach a man to fish, and you will see him become obsessed with fishing. He will discard his daily planner, and start carrying a tide book. He will no longer read the Wall Street Journal, and instead carry The Fish Sniffer in his briefcase. When he once quoted Tom Peters, he will start quoting "The Pocket Gillie: Flyfishing's Essentials" by Scott Richmond. Teach a man to fish, and you will later learn the man is spending so much time fishing that he has withdrawn his name for that promotion at work because it would require time away from the water. Teach a man to fish, and he will avoid June's Free Fishing Day activities at all costs. Like a seasoned alcoholic who stays home on New Year's Eve, he wisely will leave one day a year to the amateurs. Teach a man to fish, and you will turn him into a killer. First, it's just a trout or two, then the occasional hatchery steelhead, and then the fatted salmon. He will buy a deep freeze to stack his victims like cord wood for later ceremonies on the barbecue or the smoker. Teach a man to fish, and you will steal him from his family. First, it's just evenings, then it's full days, then weekends. Soon, he's gone a week without a note or a phone call. Teach a man to fish, and you will torpedo his attitude for success. He will cut his work to part-time, then quit altogether, and devote himself to stalking salmon and steelhead. Teach a man to fish, and you will make him a heathen. He will abandon his pew at Sunday services, eschewing his former faith for sunrise on the river as a member of The Church of the Rising Rainbow. Teach a man to fish, and you will make him a liar. He can't tell the wife he's off fishing, because she might follow and learn the locations of his secret spots. So, like an escaped convict slyly running down a creekbed, he will tell her that he's having an affair, just to throw her off his real tracks. Teach a man to fish, and you will allow his dreams to become consumed by all the fish he has killed, tortured, maimed and scared over his lifetime. Teach a man to fish, and you will one day see him face his own death hoping that, of all the world's religions, it's the Hindus who are wrong. Teach a man to fish, and you will be reviled by his friends. They never will forgive you for not just giving him a fish. But the man will thank you for not just feeding his belly for a day, but his soul for a lifetime. Staff writer Mark Freeman covers the outdoors for the Mail Tribune. Call him at 776-4470, or e-mail him at: [email protected] ) Outdoor Journal main page Mail Tribune Copyright � The Mail Tribune 1999, Medford, Oregon USA