Document text
Here comes the Oscars. ... Where's my sledgehammer? By Robert Galvin Mail Tribune Jan 10, 2020 12:00 AM A A We’re less than two weeks away from the announcement of the nominations for the Academy Awards and, if you’re like me, you’re really sick and tired of hearing about the same dozen or so movies — some which will be nominated by people who won’t see them but feel obligated to vote for them by studio allegiance or group-think. Let’s start with the obvious: An Oscar and a dime will get you a paper bag at your local grocery store. As a status symbol, they carry weight for those who care about that kind of status; for the rest of us, though, at best they’re a fun diversion. Or, at least, they used to be — back when the movies were about entertainment or societal reflection, and not about a measuring contest to see who has the biggest fly-killing sledgehammer ... if you can still use that metaphor without being called out for diptera cruelty. That said, the Academy Awards are more valuable than the recently awarded Golden Globes. Then again, so is that paper bag in which you’ve placed your broccoli and baked beans. The Globes — which are handed out by a panel of 88 non-American film media types to the nominees who have been the nicest to them over a year’s “awards season” — are just one of the precursors to figuring out who will get nominated in which categories. The union awards — the Screen Actors Guild, etc. — provide a sense of whose work has been deemed the worthiest by their peers ... unless, that is, you don’t get along with the union. For instance, Quentin Tarantino — widely expected to be a front-runner for several Oscars for his trademark alt-universe take on the Manson Family, “Once Upon A Time ... in Hollywood” — was not among the nominees announced this week for the original screenplay award from the Writers Guild of America. Tarantino is not a member of the union — a schism that apparently has its roots in assigning official credit for his work on “Natural Born Killers” (and the next time you think you get bogged down in pettiness, remember ... there’s always someone more extreme). Not in the guild? Disqualified from consideration. Chances for the screenplay Oscar? Same as they were before the WGA nominations came out. So, if you still have some disposable income remaining from the holidays and want to see the Best Picture winner on the big screen (or the large TV of a Netflix-streaming household), is there any sure way of doing so? Yes. The same day that the Writers Guild nominations were announced, so too were those of the Producers Guild of America — which honor the best overall cinematic productions by giving out awards to those who (for the most part) don’t direct, write or act in the winning movie. This will be the 30th year of the PGA prize ... and the Academy Award for Best Picture never has gone to a film that wasn’t at least nominated for the producers’ honor. See all 10 of this year’s selections, and you’ll be someone who can admire an Oscar winner. If that is what you’d truly like to be. Therefore, the Oscar for Best Picture will go to ... one of the following: “1917” — This year’s prestige war movie made in Britain is the story of soldiers sent on a suicide mission deep into the battlefield by a big-name star in a bit part spouting rhetoric to rile up the masses. “Ford v Ferrari” — Those foreign companies have been defeating the U.S. of A. at its own game for far too long. We invented Democracy ... err, the automobile ... so let’s go all out to make America fast again. “The Irishman” — Thugs in their 70s who have spent their careers living outside of the law benefit from the latest de-aging techniques as they try to solidify their power by eliminating the competition and disrupting the labor unions. “Jojo Rabbit” — An immature little boy, who’s shielded from reality by his caretakers, thinks he knows what the world is all about ... thanks to his trust in the musings of his best friend, Adolf Hitler. “Joker” – A sociopath, who applies unnatural color to his face and is badly in need of a good hairstylist, grows increasingly psychotic and starts acting out his violence tendencies against those who he has come to believe are plotting against him. “Knives Out” — Conspiracy theories abound in this murder mystery as a closed circle of paranoid delusionists attempt to identify the whistleblower who is sharing secrets with those who can bring them all down ... before rallying together to pin the blame on their maid, an immigrant. “Little Women” — The classic tale of four sisters growing up during a time of the Civil War while trying to establish lives of their own despite the unwillingness to bend to a recidivist omnipotent male-dominated culture. (And Beth dies.) “Marriage Story” — He wants to rule the world from New York, spinning fictions that bare the slightest trace of fact. She wants her own life, her own career, her own place of importance equal to his own. He scoffs at the notion. “Once Upon A Time ... in Hollywood” — A man with complete authority (and an awkward fascination with women’s feet) directs this tale of a former big-name player in show business reduced to taking side gigs on television, and his alter ego ... who rewrites history by laying waste to the radical fringe of the counter-culture. “Parasite” — (OK, hold on, I need a moment to collect myself.) “Parasite” — A dark comedy about a man who infiltrates a renowned house of privilege and slowly replaces those who have been in positions of power with members of his own family ... leading to mayhem and anarchy. Somewhere in that list is the Best Picture of the year. So, if you’re looking to take a break from the troubles of the day, head right out to your local theater ... and see “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.” I hear Forrest Gump makes a swell Mister Rogers. Mail Tribune copy desk chief Robert Galvin is going on “vacation.” At least, that’s what they’re calling it here at [email protected]. Robert Galvin