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Oregon Road Conditions & Cams Email Story to a Friend April 16, 2006 Great moments in prehistory — cooking "Mmmph," says Og the caveman, digging into a sizzling steak. "Thish ish way better than the way we used to eat theshe." "Well, I don't miss the cold blood," admits Og's wife, Google, wiping bison grease from her lip. "What do you call it?" Og is not the sharpest scraper in the Neolithic tool bag. "Coo-king," he finally says, making it up. "This has possibilities," Google says. "How'd you think of it?" Advertisement "Fire bring sloth out of forest," Og says. "Bring pitch out of wood. So bring flavor out of bison. Elementary." It does not seem elementary, considering Og's IQ. What it seems like is a lie. Google knows lies. Cavemen have discovered fishing, so they have already taken the art of lying to industrial levels. What really happened was this (cue flashback harp music): Og had trundled out of his cave one day and stumbled upon a lightning-struck tree, still smoldering. He picked up a few embers and got his fingers burned, so he wrapped some in some leaves and twigs and took them to the cave, where they burst into flames. Og was frightened — he believed fire was an angry spirit — but as the flames worked their spell in the dim light, their tongues licked at the flanks of a bison Og had painted on the cave wall. He looked at the flames. Then he looked at the bison. Some say what happened next was a miracle. Others that it was a paradigm shift. Others that it was a teachable moment. Og looked at the flames, the bison, flames, bison ... (Cue Strauss's "Thus Spake Zarathustra.") Maybe it was the smoke from the funny leaves, but whatever it was, flames and bison mystically merged and, lightning flashed — metaphorical lightning — and in Og's mind the flames licked not a picture drawn to capture the animal's mojo but a real, flesh-and-blood bison. "Whoa!" he said. And that's how cooking was invented by a guy. Og soon rigged a hearth that seared bison steaks to perfection. Only then did he share with Google, who liked the meat but made him help with the (stoneware) dishes, despite his whining. Og goes hunting. "Find flour," Google calls after him, "and red wine." They haven't been invented, and he ignores her, muttering, "Can't please her." After a very long time Og returns with a lie about an epic battle with a saber-tooth cat." "You got lost again, didn't you?" Google says. "Why won't you ask for directions?" "What that?" Og says, changing the subject by pointing to a stone bowl. "Fondue," Google says. "I invented it while you were lost. I had to invent cheese for that." "Umm," Og says. "What that?" "Torta," Google says. "I had to invent refried beans for that." "Um-mmm," Og says. "What that?" "Spanakopita. For that I invented filo. Now go out and discover feta, olive oil and spinach." Og comes back with cottage cheese, cheap hydrogenated oil and dandelions. Google shakes her head. "Go out to the patio and work on this," she says, handing Og some ground bison. "What is?" he says. "Hamburger," she says. "And take this with you, little something I invented out of hops, barley and malt, right up your alley." Og goes out determined to reclaim his invention. But he sits there sipping the beer Google invented and decides it would be too much trouble, and anyway it's nice out on the patio. And that is how cooking was taken over by women. Call Bill Varble at 776-4478 or e-mail [email protected] . Mail Tribune Home | Local News | Sports | Business | Obituaries | Life | Opinion AP News | Archives | Site Map | Community | Classified Copyright © 1997-2006 Mail Tribune, Inc. All rights reserved. Privacy Policy | Terms & Conditions | Website Feedback www.bingo.com Home Security Systems Trunks, Footlocker Custom Build Computers Computer Security Discount Hotel Reservations online casinos news Send Flowers California Casinos GMAT Prep Windermere Van Vleet Deep Muscle Stimulator Sports Equipment Online Casino Reviews Hammocks Online Bingo Entertainment Guide Online Casino Fundraisers Sudoku Online Casinos Canada Email Security Advertisement s