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A Y2K survivalist's checklist By Erik J. Martin Get up out of your easy chairs, faithful readers -- it's time to go Y2K shopping. If you've given any credence to the Year 2000 doomsayers, you've probably already begun to buy your Y2K survival gear and Millennium must-have merchandise to prepare you for the widely predicted apocalypse set to start on January 1. Stock up now on food, water and supplies, head for the hills and dig in for a long, cold, hungry year 2000, you've been told by Chicken Little prognosticators. If you're on the fence about whether or not to invest in Y2K survival wares and train for the Omega Man lifestyle, let me save you the worry and the expense: The chances of you having to live like Grizzly Adams next year are slim at best, say the experts. Don't buy into the panicky hype being preached by the doom hawkers and digital-age Nostradamuses. Sure, the possibility of power outages, short supplies of groceries and water shortages exists, and there's plenty of potential for hundreds of minor lifestyle inconveniences next year. There's nothing wrong with taking a few precautions, like buying a few week's worth of canned foods and bottled water, stocking up on matches and candles and chopping up extra wood to store for your fireplace. But who are you kidding? Unless you're a professional camper, a born farmer, a guerrilla soldier or the Unabomber, you're not ready for log-cabin life in the Badlands. Rambo you will never be, no matter how many compasses you buy, magnesium firestarters you possess or Swiss army knives you carry. So save your money. Instead of buying all those expensive, extraneous items littering the checklists of Y2K survivalists, consider my alternatives: Their recommendation: Buy a hand-pump flashlight just in case you run out of batteries for your current flashlight. My alternative. A jar of lightning bugs, which can also double as fun pets well after January 1. Their recommendation: A hand-operated grain mill to make your own flour in case food runs short. My alternative: Why not just go all the way and start planting crops, raising livestock and wearing overalls seven days a week? Their recommendation: A year's supply of toilet paper. My alternative: You can never have too much 2-ply around the house. Buy it by the gross, I say. Their recommendation: A gas-powered generator in the event the power is out to keep you warm in the Dead of Winter, 2000. My alternative: Prayer. Lots of prayer, and thermal underwear in case prayer doesn't work. Their recommendation: A hand-crank radio My alternative: Save your money. In the gloomy era of a Y2K-crippled, energy-depleted, survivalist society, who's going to want to listen to sappy top 40 tunes or another depressing news update on the hour anyway? And hey, if we don't have the electricity to listen to the radio, how are the stations going to be broadcasting anyway? Their recommendation: A one-year supply of freeze-dried food in case there is no power to refrigerate and cook vittles and the supermarkets are shut down. My alternative: The canned milkshake Slim Fast diet. Ever taste that freeze-dried stuff? Yeeech! Their recommendation: A water filtration system and a 3-month supply of bottled water to safeguard against municipal water shortages. My alternative: Throw your money into Culligan stocks today. With the less-than-savory flavor and questionable quality of today's tap water, buying an H20 filter system and bottled gallons of purified agua could be an exercise in good taste and a sound investment, no matter the Y2K risk. Their recommendation: The "The Y2K Survival Guide and Cookbook" as required reading. My alternative: A subscription to Mad Magazine. Lighten up, already. Their recommendation: A wood burning stove to keep you warm and cook food in the event the electricity is out. My alternative: The fireplace you already have, plus a bag of marshmallows, fallen twigs from the backyard to stick them on, and a trusty harmonica for those long, lonely nights. Their recommendation: An electric car, in case the computer chip in your current buggy goes buggy or there's a widespread gasoline shortage. My alternative: A "Have you squashed a Millennium Bug today?" bumper sticker to slap on the reliable jalopy you currently have. 1999 Thomson Target Media Erik J. Martin is a freelance journalist who has penned a regular multimedia column for Screen Magazine and has written for a variety of other publications, including the Chicago Tribune, Coverstory and The X-Files Official Magazine. He lives in Oak Lawn, Illinois, with his wife, son, and the Millennium Bug, which he is still trying to exterminate from his PC. Certainly no self-proclaimed technowhiz, Erik prides himself on being "an average guy with the same concerns and questions about Y2K as everyone else. My job? To get answers to those questions, and pass them along to you." Techno file index Mail Tribune Copyright � The Mail Tribune 1999, Medford, Oregon USA