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The lighter side of gardening By Carol Oneal Dec 30, 2012 12:00 AM A A On my bookshelf, I have a copy of "Gardening: A Gardener's Dictionary" by Henry Beard and Roy McKie, originally printed in 1982, which has provided me with many laughs over the years. As we approach the new year, I wanted to share a few excerpts to help us remember to not take ourselves too seriously! The definition on the book's cover sets its tone: "Gardening: the art of killing weeds and bugs to grow flowers and crops for animals and birds to eat." Aphid: Insect pest that inphests gardens and makes gardeners phoam at the mouth, stamp their pheet and utter phour-letter words. Artichoke: Only vegetable as troublesome to eat as it is to grow. Bed: Where most prized flowering perennials are located, and 2) where most gardeners are located when deer and rabbits come to visit. Catalogs: Form of entertaining fiction published by nurseries, seed companies and tool manufacturers. Crab grass: Extraordinarily tenacious garden weed. The only method of controlling it currently on the market is the lawn howitzer. If the root-piercing shell strikes the plant directly at its center, it will kill the weed about half the time. The resulting crater can be turned into an attractive fishpond. Delph: Abbrv. fr "delphinium," lg shwy prnnl w bl flrs. Othr cmmn abbrvs incl "mum," "snap," "daff" n "glad." If u cn rd ths dfntn, u cn get a gd jb at a nrsry. Eggplant: Purplish, meaty vegetable whose taste when cooked has been variously compared to burnt liver, fried sandals, scorched clams, a wallet, old magazines and mud. Fence: Wire barrier erected to protect garden produce against animal pests that lack wings, paws, teeth or brains, and cannot leap, tunnel, climb or fly. Garden: One of a vast number of free outdoor restaurants operated by charity-minded amateurs in an effort to provide healthful, balanced meals for insects, birds and animals. Grape: Uninteresting larval stage of wine. Green Thumb: Common condition suffered by gardeners in which the skin of the thumb develops a greenish hue as the result of handling large amounts of currency at nurseries. Hardy: A plant is said to be hardy if it remains alive long enough in a nursery to be sold. Hose: Crude, but effective and totally safe type of scythe towed through gardens to flatten flower beds and level vegetable plantings. Memorial Day Weekend: Traditional planting time for many frost-tender plants. Monday after Memorial Day: Traditional time of unexpected hard frost. Node: Portion of anatomy of hay fever sufferers affected by pollen. Perennial: Any plant that, had it lived, would have bloomed next year, too. Pinching: Pruning method developed in Italian gardens. Rotary mower: Gasoline-powered metal detector used to locate misplaced trowels, shears and hose nozzles in tall grass. Indicates contact with a loud WHNNNNG! sound, followed by immediate stalling. Seed: Costly but nutritious form of birdseed sold in pretty packages. Sprinkler: Adjustable irrigation device with two settings — "drool" and "monsoon." Weed: Any plant that will survive at least one week without being watered, fertilized, pruned, sprayed, staked, mulched, misted, dusted, wrapped in burlap or protected with plastic. Yard: When in prison, a dusty, large, open area where hard labor is performed, or 2) In horticulture, a dusty, large, open area where hard labor is performed. Zzzz: Sound produced by dozing gardener, or 2) Sound of bee trapped in that gardener's pants leg. Happy gardening in 2013! Carol Oneal is a past president of the OSU Jackson County Master Gardeners Association. Email her at [email protected].