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Society ignores sexual abuse of men Sex abuse facts Sex abuse is most common among both genders from age 6-9. It tapers off with boys after age 10, but remains higher for adolescent girls. Mothers account for 42 percent of child abuse and fathers 27 percent. Abuse is reported against 12 percent of children in Oregon and 14 percent in Jackson County. Both figures have gone up 2 to 3 percentage points in the past two years. Source: State Office of Services to Children and Families Ashland counselor runs support group for victims By JOHN DARLING ASHLAND -- A lot of men -- maybe as many as 20 to 40 percent of them -- have a little secret: They were sexually or physically abused as children. This abuse creates a pattern of depression, isolation and sabotaged lives, which is seldom recognized and treated for what it is. We -- society -- don't like to think about it, says Ashland counselor Bill McMillan, who runs Southern Oregon's only support group for abused males. "We talk about and have plenty of resources for abused females and for small children," he said, "but society wants to think of males as either being able to prevent it or, after it's happened, to deal with it on their own. "Men are supposed to be tough and we don't want to visualize them being molested, beaten and helpless." The impact of such abuse is devastating, McMillan said. "Boys tend to see abuse as their own fault. They have failed at the male image of being independent, aggressive, strong and able to endure pain. It's an assault on their self-esteem if they can't handle it. They emerge with the message that they're worthless and will never amount to anything." Boys are victims in 47 percent of physical and 23 percent of sexual abuse, according to the state office of Services to Children and Families. However, McMillan said, because of boys' shame and self-blame for the abuse, it's underreported. As adults, said McMillan, molested and abused males tend to fear others and create a large zone of secrecy around themselves, so they feel in control of their own lives; have trouble forming relationships; and sabotage themselves, often blowing good careers and homes or becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol or destructive behaviors. McMillan's weekly group meetings give men a chance to work through their feelings and share what happened to them. Their names are not being used to protect their privacy. "I spend all my time just trying to figure things out," said one survivor of physical and sexual abuse. "I'm hyper-vigilant, wary of others and scared all the time." He chose work as a nurse, because it gave him control he always lacked, he said, and because "people need me." Another group member describes being "out of control and never happy." He said he would wade into barroom brawls out of "determination not to be a coward." He once attempted to break the isolation by confiding in his pastor, but the pastor, he said, blamed him for the abuse. Often, therapists and social workers treat abused males only for symptoms, such as drug and alcohol abuse, because they just don't want to listen to the larger, underlying causes, McMillan said. In McMillan's group, the number-one goal is not to let abuse survivors spill their guts, but to help them assert control of their own by telling their stories gradually and learning to trust others in the group. Then members build self-esteem by recognizing successes, such as the courage to reveal themselves to the group and their not abusing their children. "It's a tremendous relief for these men," McMillan said, "to see others in the same situation and realize they are not the uniquely bad people they were told they were in childhood." Mail Tribune Copyright � The Mail Tribune 1999, Medford, Oregon USA