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Email Story to a Friend June 18, 2006 The details are in the devil M.C. — What a meal! with all the charring, the broiling, the roasting. And the drinks, whoa, and without any ice! (laughs) But it's time now for the reason we're all here. They call him Beelzebub, Lucifer, Mephistopheles, the Devil, the Prince of Darkness, Belial, Shaitan, Samael, Old Scratch, Old Nick, etc. etc., but to us he's just The Boss. Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome Satan! (enthusiastic applause) S. — Thank you, thank you. Thanks for coming, everybody, thank you. Not that you had any choice, ha ha. I just flew in from the Lake of Fire. Boy, are my wings hot. (laughter) Advertisement No but seriously, it's good to see so many new faces tonight. Put your hands together for Abu Musab al Zarqawi, good to see ya, big guy, take a bow. Lotta familiar faces, too. There's the Dapper Don. Hey Gotti, nice suit, where do you get it shined? And there's Nixon trying to convince Chairman Mao he's not a crook. Trust him, Mr. Chairman. Just don't play poker with him! But enough about you. This is the time of year I customarily gloat over the progress of my nefarious schemes. As most of you know, it's been a very good year. Of course, it's always a good year. (laughter) The market has been red hot in Iraq, Afghanistan, Darfur, Iran, Tibet, all those -stans from the old Soviet empire, Colombia, Nigeria, The Philippines, China, Yemen, North Korea, South Korea ... Sheesh, I could go on, but I don't want to sound like I'm bragging! Pride's supposed to go before a fall. (laughter) Look at the avarice, lust, corruption, greed, persecution, violence, environmental destruction, global warming, the designated hitter rule, Guantanamo, individually wrapped, single-use strips of dental floss, deceit, mendacity, bigotry, fanaticism, hatred ... But there's bad news too. That old busybody the Dalai Lama is stirring up trouble. Dick Cheney has lost his touch. And now Bill Gates is talking about going over to the light side of the force. (scattered booing) But despite the annoying persistence of (shudders) goodness, the opportunities for evil are more exciting than ever. Check out the enshrinement of greed as the cardinal personal and civic virtue, and of organized violence as a primary instrument of public policy. I'm not saying our work is going to be easy. It's going to be hard work. I understand hard work — although I endorse sloth. (laughs) But we must consider our image. Sartre thought we were other people. Rimbaud thought we were his suffering. According to a Gallup Poll, 70 percent of Americans believe in us — but 77 percent said they were going to Heaven. (laughs) Americans believe in us — FOR OTHER PEOPLE. Even churches that used to preach eternal damnation are slighting us. When's the last time on your travels Up Above you heard a good ol' country preacher crank up the hellfire and brimstone? People don't like to think of us anymore. We're not fashionable. An embarrassment. Old hat. Not good with Sunday brunch. So cast us out like an old shoe! Well I don't think so. With malice toward all, I'm unveiling our new Fiscal 2007 PR Action Plan, a branding strategy for a kinder, gentler Hell. See your section chief for a copy. But to give you an idea, we'll be calling pincers "serving tongs." Hot coals are to be called "molecularly active fossil fuels." The plucking out of eyeballs will be "cosmetic facial enhancement." Leg irons are now "protective restraint devices." Delivery of the newly damned to any of the nine rings is now "extraordinary rendition." Rivers of scalding offal are "thermal-kinetic wetlands." All devils on torture duty are to be known as "atonement officers." There will be an exam. Remember, controlling the terms of the debate is half the fight. Let us go un-gently into that good fire. And let's have a hell of a year. Thank you. (sustained applause) Call reporter Bill Varble at 776-4478 or e-mail [email protected] . Mail Tribune Home | Local News | Sports | Business | Obituaries | Life | Opinion AP News | Archives | Site Map | Community | Classified Copyright © 1997-2006 Mail Tribune, Inc. All rights reserved. Privacy Policy | Terms & Conditions | Website Feedback www.bingo.com Home Security Systems Trunks, Footlocker Custom Build Computers Discount Hotel Reservations --> online casinos news Ashley Furniture HomeStore Send Flowers California Casinos GMAT Prep Windermere Van Vleet Sports Equipment Online Casino Reviews Entertainment Guide --> Online Casino Fundraisers Sudoku Online Casinos Canada Online Pharmacy Advertisement s Advertisement