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0 of 3 Premium Clicks used this month SUBSCRIBE Print + Online Subscriber Activation | Register x Forgot Password | Need an Account? e-edition | subscribe | newsletter | deals Home News Latest Stories Since You Asked: No set rules for noisy car chirps and honks Better than a giant nutcracker A New Song Get Up & Go: Nov. 30 5 Things to do This Week Crime, Courts and Emergency Services Emergency services Emergency services Wrap Up, Nov. 28 Former Central Point residents accused of abusing their adopted children Homemade bomb found inside stolen car after arrest of fleeing transient Politics and Elections Buckley again named Ways and Means Committee co-chairman Latest count shows Measure 92 supporters narrowing deficit Granlund cartoon: GOP wrecking balls Ballot measures played little role in mobilizing voters in state Senate race 'Euphoria' over pot initiative Education Homelessness is growing problem for Medford students Les AuCoin recommended for SOU board Good news for SOU: Enrollment's up Mom gives school lobby a makeover Crater students present play about Thoreau's night in jail Environment Hawks use I-5 as hunting ground Curbing urban runoff in Gold Hill Mt. View Estates' fill, riprap work lacked county permit Birders sought for bird counts Grow 'em before you plant 'em State News Bend retirement community brews for charity Cover Oregon, pot, guns on state's legislative agenda for 2015 Photo of hug between boy, officer at Portland protest goes viral Bill would tighten limits on license plate readers UO teaching assistants prepared to strike Nation - World Grand jury won't indict Ferguson cop in shooting Obituaries Morrie Dean Harvester Carla Louise Mahlon Edward Sprague Gaylord Lincoln Hallett Peter Kip Norvell Weather Photo Galleries Since You Asked Videos Web Cams Mail Tribune 100 Sports Latest Stories Standing O-vation Beavers look to the future after tough loss Focus shifts to Arizona rematch for Ducks Wichita St. cruises by Tulsa, remains unbeaten Sixers nearing worst start in NBA history Varsity 541 College Sports Standing O-vation Beavers look to the future after tough loss Focus shifts to Arizona rematch for Ducks Wichita St. cruises by Tulsa, remains unbeaten SOU stuns top-ranked Carroll Pro Sports Sixers nearing worst start in NBA history Seahawks’ defense rounding into top form Donaldson doesn’t blame A’s for trade Grizzlies snap Blazers’ streak Spurs win second straight without Popovich Community Sports RESULTS/STANDINGS LOCAL EVENTS Business Latest Stories Blog: 'Twas the 12 Days of Deals... Asante expands cardiac center Jackson County sees workforce and job growth Regional hotels and motels outperformed statewide marks in October Incorrect labeling prompts Kroger ice cream recall Real Estate News Dear Monty: Violation of HOA rules creates conflict Farmers file suit over GMO crop ban Financial webinars offered for veterans and their families Home prices rise across Jackson County People In Business People in Business, Nov. 18 People in Business, Nov. 8 Transportation Allegiant Air will resume Medford-Phoenix service May 22 Medford airport passenger counts sky high in October Erickson reports third quarter profit Agriculture Farmers file suit over GMO crop ban Lawsuit seeks to overturn Jackson County's GMO ban or net $4.2 million for farms Latest count shows Measure 92 supporters narrowing deficit Opinion Latest Our View: What's in a name? Not that much, really Letters to the Editor, Nov. 30 Dana Milbank: Bob McCulloch is the face of injustice Michael Gerson: In Ferguson, where next? George Will: A case for presidential self-restraint Editorials Our View: What's in a name? Not that much, really Other Views: Klamath Basin agreement deserves approval Our View: Cheers (too thankful for a jeer this week) Our View: Day of abundance, season of sharing Another View: Logging still has a place in Oregon Letters to the Editor Letters to the Editor, Nov. 30 Letters to the Editor, Nov. 28 Letters to the Editor, Nov. 27 Letters to the Editor, Nov. 26 Letters to the Editor, Nov. 24 Guest Opinions Guest Opinion: Are we the preferred path to global devastation? Guest Opinion: Fight for the rights of independent voters will continue Guest Opinion: 'Natural' not necessarily better for forest management Guest Opinion: County voters rebuffed judicial appointment process Fix health care reform, don't scrap it Lifestyle Latest stories 'Wild' at Heart If Social Security was run like a business Rogers-Horn I love Lucy, who's good for your health New Arrivals Food Community blog: In soup or salad, savor pumpkin with leeks Be a gravy-making star on Thanksgiving Food for Thought: Add new twists on Thanksgiving favorites Community blog: Feast on this blog's Thanksgiving recipes, tips Kitchen Call: Both sides of the kiddie table Home and Garden 9 ways to green your gift wrap Dear Monty: How to find a good real estate attorney Home Help: Quick tips for getting your home ready for the holidays Mortgage insurance: Your questions answered Home Help: Spruce up your home with quick DIY painting projects Health Health Watch: Fuel up on carbs before workouts Health insurance enrollment help available Community blog: Appreciating Clouds: Year-Round Gratitude Community blog: A Little Toilet Talk 'Tis the season to be jolly Hiking Biking Faith Religion news: Pope aims to expedite sex abuse rulings Religion news: Seattle-based mega-church dissolves Religion Briefs 'Walk the talk' Religion briefs Milestones and Achievements A New Song Rogers-Horn New Arrivals Madi-Stiles ACCESS receives $50,000 donation from Wells Fargo Columnist for a Day Rogue Healthy Aging Tempo Latest stories Brunch at Loft Brasserie 2014 Providence Festival of Trees A grand illumination at the Commons Lighting up memories Jacksonville's Victorian Christmas Theater OCT's holiday show is a wonderful play New 'Alice' has some for kids ... and adults 'It's a Wonderful Life: A Live Radio Play' opens at Oregon Cabaret Theatre 'Red Noses' a romp through slapstick and pathos SOU presents 'The Drunken City' Music Shae Johnson releases 'Can You Feel the Music' Jeff Kloetzel releases 'Long Time Coming' A new guitar slinger in town Peter Chianca: Top 40 songs even a dad could love The Farr Side: Different artists, common songs Community Events 2014 Providence Festival of Trees A grand illumination at the Commons Lighting up memories Jacksonville's Victorian Christmas New exhibits highlight Third Fridays Dining Brunch at Loft Brasserie The Bohemian Club Thanksgiving comes early at Taprock Word of Mouth: Brunch at Brothers' Restaurant Tempo Videos Classifieds Jobs Autos Real Estate FEATURED » Obituaries Blogs TV Listings Movie Listings Oregon Outdoors Oregon Healthy Living Magazines & Special Sections NEWS NOW Our View: What's in a name? Not that much, really ... A New Song ... Photo of hug between boy, officer at Portland protest goes viral ... Our View: What's in a name? Not that much, really ... A New Song ... Photo of hug between boy, officer at Portland protest goes viral ... Dr. Elaine Heffner: Put yourself in your child's shoes By Elaine Heffner More Content Now MailTribune.com By Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted Nov. 18, 2014 @ 2:00 am Updated Nov 18, 2014 at 7:46 AM By Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted Nov. 18, 2014 @ 2:00 am Updated Nov 18, 2014 at 7:46 AM » Social News In discussions about children’s behavior, the focus is often on negative behavior — behavior that is unacceptable to others. In such instances, children may be viewed as “misbehaving.” But sometimes behavior is negative in the sense that it creates a problem for the child or parent — behavior that expresses a protest or a child’s unhappiness yet seems not to make sense to a parent and causes parents to worry. A parent described such behavior about which she was both puzzled and worried. This involved a 4-year-old child whose mother described him as loving to do art work. The parents enrolled him in an art class that seemed a perfect match for his interests. However, he now protests going to the class, refuses to go in the classroom, yet once cajoled into entering and participating, seems to thoroughly enjoy being there. The boy’s mother was both bewildered and frustrated. It simply made no sense to her that he loves the content of the class but protests so vehemently about attending. I learned that the child goes to nursery school for four hours daily. Mom works, the babysitter picks him up from school, they have lunch and then he has about a half hour left to play before they leave for the art class that meets once a week. The mother had described her son as a child who gets involved and invested in projects of his own invention. She often has to make an effort to get him to leave what he is doing. But she did not see that this could apply to this situation because he would be going to do something he loves doing. Why would he so strongly protest going to do something he loves and enjoys once there? I asked the mother to think about how she feels after a day’s work, pointing out that four hours of school is a day’s work for a young child. Adults may not realize the self-control that goes into functioning in a group, meeting expectations and generally behaving in acceptable ways. It was likely that her son was ready at that point in the day to be left to his own interest with no further demands made of him. Dealing with a different teacher and new children may feel like too much. The coercive and somewhat critical approach that had been used did not seem to address the real issue. We considered other possible ways of handling the transition that is so often a trouble point for young children. There were ways in which he could be helped to feel more in control, such as being in charge of the clock and knowing the time to leave, which he enjoys. But as in many seeming conflict situations, the most helpful of all would be to acknowledge to the child the understanding that it is hard to leave his project. Although the mother did not see her son’s protests as misbehavior, her own confusion and worry about its possible meaning created frustration and anxiety. These feelings were expressed in a way that sounded critical and reproachful to her child, thereby creating a conflict situation. Even worry can lead to the feeling that a child is doing something wrong, and elicit a negative response. Behavior is often puzzling — especially when it is an expression of feelings that may not be clear to a child himself. Sometimes walking a mile in the child’s shoes can help us find the elusive understanding of his behavior. It is this understanding that helps us know what to do about it. Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She has appeared on PBS, ABC, Fox TV and other networks. Dr. Heffner is the author of “Goodenoughmothering: the Best of the Blog,” as well as “Mothering: the Emotional Experience of Motherhood after Freud and Feminism.” She is a psychotherapist and parent educator in private practice, as well as a senior lecturer of education in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. Dr. Heffner was a co-founder and served as director of the Nursery School Treatment Center at Payne Whitney Clinic, New York Hospital. And she blogs at goodenoughmothering.com. By Elaine Heffner More Content Now MailTribune.com By Elaine Heffner More Content Now Posted Nov. 18, 2014 @ 2:00 am Updated Nov 18, 2014 at 7:46 AM » Comment or view comments Reader Reaction » STAY INFORMED Email NewsLetter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. calendar Connect with MailTribune.com Facebook Twitter RSS Back to top Reader Services Reader Services Home Subscriptions Subscriber controls Contact us Submissions Photos Events Letters to the editor Corrections Announcements Obituaries Story ideas Since you asked Alerts Email Alerts RSS Feeds Text Alerts Advertise Media Kit Home Products and services Ad rates Advertising contacts Mail Tribune Daily Tidings The Nickel Shop Our Valley Blogs Stay Informed Email newsletter Sign Up Today Sign up for our newsletter and have the top headlines from your community delivered right to your inbox. 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