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June 18, 2004 - Subscribe - Contact Us - Rate Card - Place an Ad Valley&State Backpage O&E Sports Archives Classifieds Faith&Beliefs Obituaries Revels April 9, 2004 Gay marriage: Are we asking the right questions? By Jeffery Low Talent The current debate about gay marriage either misses the underlying question, or addresses it in a way which is largely irrelevant. In considering whether to expand the definition of marriage to include gay couples, we are forced to consider a more profound issue: What is the purpose of marriage in 21st century America? With a 50 percent divorce rate, and many unhappy marriages that simply drag on, something is clearly not working in modern marriages. It is easier to debate whether to allow same sex couples to participate in a broken system, than to look at what is wrong with the system. Yet this deeper exploration is exactly what must be done if we are to stem the flow of unhappy couples, divorces, and children growing up in broken homes. If, as some conservatives maintain, allowing gay marriages will destroy the traditional form of marriage, we must ask: Has traditional marriage outlived its usefulness? In order for marriage to continue as a viable institution, I believe we must acknowledge a basic change in the underlying purpose of modern marriage. Marriage must be transformed from a survival-oriented journey to one which promotes spirituality, intimacy and love between equal partners. Marriage has traditionally been survival oriented. Financial and safety concerns made marriage an advantageous arrangement for men, women and children. Questions of parentage, inheritance, public safety, and disease, among others, made it clear that the long term bonding of families would best promote the growth of communities and civilizations. The system worked excellently. However, it was based on the fact that survival, especially for women, was more difficult alone than married. Since the man provided both sustenance and safety, his contribution was considered greater, and women have historically had to accept the subservient role. Women may have needed to accept this inequality for centuries, in modern America they don't. Society changed vastly in the 20th century. The increasing financial and social equality of women may be the most profound change of all. Among the changes equality has produced, is to make survival as a purpose for marriage, no longer valid. Simply put, both men and women can now take care of themselves. In many ways, survival is now easier for singles than for families. The need for every couple to have children is no longer necessary for the survival of the species, and the social stigma of being raised by unmarried parents or a single parent is all but gone. If survival and procreation are no longer reasons to get married, why bother? Most newlyweds will say they are getting married because they love each other, or it's the next step, or their parents did, or it's the right thing to do. Their reasons are mostly about why they want to get married, not why and how they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Because most couples have not created a vision, purpose or structure that will carry them through a lifetime of challenges, changes, and conflicts, these marriages tend to end in divorce. So is marriage even worth saving? Absolutely. In fact, the underlying traditional structure of marriage is still one which can produce great results, provided it's transformed to fit the reality of modern times. Marriage has traditionally been seen as a lifetime, monogamous union of two people. While neither monogamy or lifetime commitment is still needed for survival, the value of each as a spiritual tool is great. By making a lifetime exclusive commitment, each spouse is able to move past their fear of abandonment, and to reveal more and more of their true self. The trust which grows between the partners creates real intimacy, deeper love, and a sense of partnership more powerful than most people imagine is possible. For marriage to work, we must recognize that the partners are absolute equals. Neither spouse inherently has any more privileges, power nor importance. Only equality allows a true partnership. The partnership succeeds or fails together. There is no senior partner. The goal is to create marriages which, last a lifetime, and are devoted to the spiritual growth and personal happiness of each spouse. This is achieved by devotion, commitment, and the daily practice of honest communication. Through the discipline of loving partnership, we come to see the divine in another, and within ourselves. Of the many spiritual disciplines I have studied, none teaches both humility and divinity as well as marriage. Marriage is a lifetime of work, which holds the possibility of a lifetime of love, growth and joy. Any couple, whether straight or gay, who is willing to seriously take on this challenge, and honestly make a full commitment of their lives to creating a spiritual union, deserves the support and blessings of the whole community. DailyTidings.com Home Page Valley&State | Backpage | O&E | Sports | Archives | Weather | Classifieds Columnists | Faith&Beliefs | Obituaries | Revels | Subscribe | Contact Us Copyright 2004 Ashland Daily Tidings and Ottaway Newspapers All Rights Reserved Click Here Site Search: .:Advertisements:. RESOURCES - Mail Tribune News - ODOT Road Cams