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--> --> Jan. 31: Anfledrin: For the flush of your life By Larry Berteau There are things that mystify me. There are things that amuse me. And there are the rare occasions when both are accomplished. One of the more recent items is the Fox News lineup on TV. Unbelievable. I don't know who recruited the evening female anchors for this questionable network, but I can't tell whether I'm supposed to listen for a sound bite or dig into my wallet to see if I can afford the night on the town. Evening Fox anchors wear more makeup than Jane Russell on a date with Howard Hughes. They lure you into a tangled web of war stories, as if setting you up to bite off your head once the mating is over. One would think it not possible to suffer a severe war wound while sitting on your couch innocently munching a bowl of popcorn. But Fox has not only made it possible, but emotionally inevitable. Watch them. It's Channel 40 (AFN), 23 (Charter), and may the farce be with you. Now pitching: Ari Maddux Another is Ari Fleischer. Everyone knows one of his personas. He's the White House press secretary - you know, the chap who pretends to field questions from reporters in the White House briefing room, but instead delivers the news the president wants the reporters to write. Well, I've got news for you. This smooth-talking, erudite, unflappable character has a summer job as well. He's also Greg Maddux. Don't believe me? Watch TBS this summer (that's 27 AFN, 2 Charter) and check out the Atlanta Braves baseball team. Maddux pitches every fifth day - and all the games are televised. He makes a feeble attempt at a disguise - ball cap, uni, stirrups, cleats, eye black - but don't fall for it. Look closely. Check the glasses, the drippy downturn of the mouth, the failed chin, the lumps of coal for eyes. And, if you're lucky, you'll get an interview with Maddux and he'll say the exact same things as Fleischer, only in baseball. Example: Maddux - "You don't have to throw the ball hard to get guys out. It's all about location." Fleischer - "You don't have to drill in the Arctic Refuge to get oil. It's just the best location." Oh! He's got body hair More TV humor and mystification. Aren't you amazed that drug companies, in light of the restrictions placed on them by federal regulations, have ventured into TV advertising? Eli should have his Lilly examined. Example (voice of God announcer): "So try Anfledrin, for the flush of your life. (pause for an attempt to distract the viewer from the rest of the information) Do not take Anfledrin if you suffer from any of the following conditions: asthma, headaches, watery eyes, skin pigment, body hair, thirst, suntan or breathing. In some cases, Anfledrin has been known to cause dizziness, melanoma, rectal bleeding, cramps, vomiting, schizophrenia, carbuncles, blasphemy, rickets and premature death. If you experience any of these symptoms, check with a physician." Gracious. Pass the Anfledrin. What kind of physician would prescribe any of those things once the warnings and symptoms have been listed? Dr. Kevorkian, I presume. Bert parks in the garage More TV. Awards shows. They breed like bunnies. There are at least four awards shows for movies, three for music, two for television and a partridge in a pear tree. This doesn't even count the beauty contests and dog shows (which are easily confused). Honest, I've seen an afghan at the Westminster Dog Show that topped Miss West Virginia, paws down. There are more pieces of hardware handed out annually at these unimaginable affairs than at a convention of Sears Craftsman retailers. There are Oscars, Grammy's, Golden Globes, Cleo's, Hugo's, Palm d'Ors, Tiaras, Best in Show's and lifetime supplies of Kibble Treats. It won't be long before we'll have an awards show for awards shows. Bert Parks will get the first lifetime achievement award, and it will be fitting that he's already dead. Some dewy-eyed brunette will be the best beauty of all beauty shows, and will arrive outside the pavilion in a Chevy Corvair. Anfledrin will sponsor the show. Remotely aware As long as we're on the TV vilification express, how about remotes? I have a house full of them. There's a remote on every available surface. I find one next to my knife and fork at the dinner table. They're as common as McDonald's franchises. They're life-like. They crawl under newspapers, burrow into bed covers - they even go to the bathroom on their own. And I haven't even mentioned that no one knows how to operate them. (Except my son of course. He's 14.) There are buttons like: Status. Clear. Memory. REC/OTR. There are international symbols that I can't recreate with my keyboard, but you know what they are. There are triangles, upside-down triangles, plus signs, minus signs. Worse, some of the buttons work on some of the remotes, others don't. I can turn my TV on (power button, I've got that sucker down) with one remote, not the other. But, the other remote changes channels, the former doesn't. There are times when I can turn on the TV, change channels, but can't operate the volume (because that remote is having supper in the dining room). I can turn on the VCR with one remote, activate the DVD with another, but can get stuck starting or pausing the tape or disc because that remote is relieving itself in the bathroom. Good grief. Pass the Anfledrin. Larry Berteau is editor of The Tidings. Email your... Technical questions & comments to: WebMaster Daily Tidings editorial comments & questions to: Editor Visit our other Oregon Newspapers... | Albany Democrat-Herald | Ashland Daily Tidings | Corvallis Gazette-Times | | Lebanon Express | Newport News-Times | Springfield News | Cottage Grove Sentinel | Ashland Daily Tidings 1661 Siskiyou Blvd. Ashland, OR 97520 Telephone 541-482-3456 © Copyright 2001 Lee Northwest Publishing