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--> --> June 6: Pounded again; weigh to go guys By Larry Berteau Women are different. They're not like men. It's said that the feminine manner is one of subtlety, while the masculine version manifests itself like a 500-pound safe falling from a 10-story window. Not so. Women are death-defying, fearless brigands. Men are impassive lumps of milk toast. I have proof. (And, hopefully, enough thought on the matter to get to the end of this week's column.) We'll see. Does it work for scale? There is a recent example at the Berteau scatter. My wife - the woman of perpetual good humor - came home from a local retail outlet with a bathroom scales. Before taking up its proper place in the bathroom, this black, gleaming, menacing instrument of ill tidings for all middle-aged men was plopped down on the kitchen floor. (Because, that's where I was, preparing dinner - not milk toast, it was dinner dammit.) "Well, get on," she said, smiling like a cowboy telling the dude ranch guest to get aboard Dynamite, a black stallion with the manners of a Russian missile launcher. "Why?" I responded, holding my stirring spoon aloft in matter-of-fact self defense. "So you can weigh yourself," she purred. She had played the brigand role, now it was my turn. I launched into a roundabout explanation of how I wasn't the one who had bought the infernal item, and that I felt no burning desire to climb aboard the embarrassment. In other words, I became defensive, yea, an impassive lump of clay. An odd Odyssey Undaunted, she took the spoon from my hand and waved her palm over the scales, an invitation not unlike the sirens who sucked Ulysses and his men into what would have been the eternal damnation of porcine life had it not been for the deft - male - pen of an overly understanding and sensitive chap known as Homer. Grab your ankles, private "Absolutely not," I said, screwing up my last (only) ounce of courage. "Oh c'mon," she said. "We're all going to do it." Writer's note: ALL, means HER - who has no more a weight problem than an egret - and our SON - the lone heir to the vast Berteau fortune - who at age 14, sprinting through puberty, is packing all the poundage of a young Thompson's gazelle in his first week of running with the herd. "It wouldn't be fair," I insist. "I'm fully dressed." "What exactly are we?" she hurls back, as if I hadn't noticed. "Does it look like we're in line to get a physical at an army recruiting depot?" Of course, they weren't. But I was out of arguments. I climbed on, accepted the news as the needle rocked in the 200 range, and offered that no one in the room had any idea how much my Dockers weighed. Rage, rage Speaking of clothing reminds me of how a man would handle a similar situation with roles reversed. In suggesting a diet to a woman, a man would go gentle into that good night. He'd wait for a night on the town, and when she pulled the "little black dress" off the hanger, he'd say something like: "Maybe it's not the right dress. I think everyone's going to be casual tonight. Perhaps something more flowing, ya know? Something blousy. (Reaching into the closet) How about this?" It's at this point that she lets you know what you're holding in your sweaty hand: an airline clothes bag. I said we're different. Not smarter. Larry Berteau is editor of the Tidings. Email your... Technical questions & comments to: WebMaster Daily Tidings editorial comments & questions to: Editor Visit our other Oregon Newspapers... | Albany Democrat-Herald | Ashland Daily Tidings | Corvallis Gazette-Times | | Lebanon Express | Newport News-Times | Springfield News | Cottage Grove Sentinel | Ashland Daily Tidings 1661 Siskiyou Blvd. Ashland, OR 97520 Telephone 541-482-3456 © Copyright 2001 Lee Northwest Publishing