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Prime Times Weekly feature of the Mail Tribune , Medford, Oregon Old forever By Bettijane Levine Los Angeles Times LOS ANGELES � The Encino house is big and new, bought with money her father left when he died three years ago. But the woman inside, at age 51, feels abandoned. "I have nobody left. ... I�m an orphan," she wails at her husband when life frustrates her. She�d gladly give up the house if she could have her dad back, she tells him. He understands. He still phones his 86-year-old mother whenever he�s troubled. "I like to get Mom�s perspective on things," he says. Experts say such behavior is typical among baby boomers, who make up one-third of the U.S. population and who are once again on the brink of making history. This is the largest generation ever to hit its 50s in the United States, most with at least one living parent. That makes them the first to become middle-aged � with full-blown careers and families of their own � while still viewing themselves as "somebody�s baby." In fact, a wave of middle-age angst is sweeping the land, psychologists and researchers say, as boomers discover that the biggest turning point in life may not be marriage, the birth of children, or the success or failure of a career. It is the death of the second parent, which puts a person indisputably in charge of his or her own life, and removes the last buffer between the boomer and his or her own mortality. Whether the relationship with the parents was good or bad is not the operative factor, these observers say. The very existence of a parent to love � or react against � can alter the way we live. If the relationship was good, there is no one left to offer unconditional love, ceaseless attempts to assist and encourage. If it was bad, there is no one left to defy, create feelings of guilt, or drain our energies. Either way, the absence of that last parent usually produces a re-evaluation of all our major relationships and the choices we made while a parent was around to exert either real or imagined influence. It�s an undeniably sad subject, but one that need not be totally enveloped in doom and gloom, researchers say. Parents are meant to precede their offspring in death � it�s the natural order of things. And the period after the death of the second parent actually offers the opportunity for what some now call "the last great growth spurt" in life, the time when an individual can take total possession of who he or she truly is or wants to become. A spate of new books on the subject is now reaching stores. Many are poignant, anecdotal manuals that offer insight on grief and recovery for middle-agers who lose parents. "Fathers Aren�t Supposed to Die," by T.M. Shine (Simon & Schuster), is a witty and moving gem about the author�s unexpected reunion with his four middle-aged brothers at their father�s deathbed. Grown distant over the years, the four "boys" realign relationships as they make medical, moral and legal decisions for which they are unprepared because their biggest decisions until then had been "whether to buy or lease." After psychologist Alexander Levy lost both his parents in midlife, he wrote "The Orphaned Adult: Understanding and Coping With Grief and Change After the Death of Our Parents" (Perseus). Levy agrees with other writers on the subject that the death of each parent is very different: "The first heralds the beginning of the transition, but the second is the beginning of real adulthood." Because parents "project an illusion of permanence," he writes, their grown children have difficulty grasping the inevitability of death � both their parents� and their own. That understanding, when it finally arrives, is part of what causes adult orphans to "grow up." One of the newest books stands apart from the rest. Victoria Secunda�s "Losing Your Parents, Finding Yourself" (Hyperion) is unsentimental, even optimistic. It lists, point by point, what changes to expect when Mom and Dad are no longer there to protect, defend, encourage, nag, offer love or withhold it. These changes can affect relationships with siblings, spouses, children, even career goals. Interviewed on a recent visit to Los Angeles, the author stood firm in her belief that losing a second parent can be viewed as beneficial by both generations involved. For those who become adult orphans, it is what she calls "the defining turning point in life, the last great opportunity to grow." After two years of research and interviews, Secunda says, "the �Bingo!� of my findings is that the period of life between your parents� death and your own is as big a developmental stage as adolescence or any other phase." When adult children "are thrown back on their own resources, when they don�t have the real or imagined safety net of the unconditional love of their parents nor the possibility of emotional or financial rescue � when that generation is gone, you have no choice but to survive. You either grow up or grow old � and the two are not the same thing." At that point in adulthood, Secunda says, people should realize the whole job of parents is to prepare their children for life without them. "That�s what Darwin is all about. It�s what happens in nature. When you prune a tree, new shoots emerge. And when the bottom falls out for the adult child, and he or she realizes that no one will ever love them as much again, not even their husbands or wives or children, then new shoots emerge so that the person can thrive without the parent." This no-nonsense approach may even bring some relief to aging parents, whose major fear is often that they will leave behind adult children who aren�t quite finished yet, who still need their help. Forget it, Secunda says. "Some parents will not be able to see their good work come to fruition because some adult children don�t fully grow up until their parents� death, which jump-starts an assessment of their own lives and they realize they are not kids anymore." Secunda, 60, whose father died years ago and who lost her mother before starting the book, says she thought of herself as an orphan when she began writing. By the time she finished, however, she says she started identifying with the generation that has passed on. "I realized that my last chance to help my own daughter (age 30) is to make sure she doesn�t need me." When adult children "are thrown back on their own resources, when they don�t have the real or imagined safety net of the unconditional love of their parents nor the possibility of emotional or financial rescue � when that generation is gone, you have no choice but to survive. You either grow up or grow old � and the two are not the same thing." At that point in adulthood, Secunda says, people should realize the whole job of parents is to prepare their children for life without them. "That�s what Darwin is all about. It�s what happens in nature. When you prune a tree, new shoots emerge. And when the bottom falls out for the adult child, and he or she realizes that no one will ever love them as much again, not even their husbands or wives or children, then new shoots emerge so that the person can thrive without the parent." This no-nonsense approach may even bring some relief to aging parents, whose major fear is often that they will leave behind adult children who aren�t quite finished yet, who still need their help. Forget it, Secunda says. Secunda, 60, whose father died years ago and who lost her mother before starting the book, says she thought of herself as an orphan when she began writing. By the time she finished, however, she says she started identifying with the generation that has passed on. "I realized that my last chance to help my own daughter (age 30) is to make sure she doesn�t need me." Obituaries | Sports | Business | Classifieds | Tempo | Prime Times | So Oregon Sites | Outdoor Journal | Subscribe | Contact | Movies | Advertise | Real Estate Showcase | Archive | Editorials | Letters to the editor | Religion | Wake-up Call | NIE | Cyber Chef | Job Network | So Oregon Weather | WSJ Northwest | Forums | AP Wire | AP Money | F.A.Q. | Awards Ottaway Newspapers, Inc. 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