Helping children

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WORLD? Helping children cope in turbulent times By Jim Greenman EFTA00305011 Dear Parents, Educators and Friends: All of us have been shaken by the extraordinary events of September II and the national tragedy that has befallen us. No one is immune from the shock and stresses this kind of catastrophic event can cause. And young children, who are in the most vital stages of development, are especially vulnerable to the long-term impacts of feelings of shock, anger, confusion and sadness. As parents, educators, employers and caregivers, we all want to provide the children around us with the support, reassurance and understanding they need to restore their sense of security and calm. But we know this can be an especially difficult task at a time when we share so many of their fears. That is why our organizations, as child care providers, employers, relief workers and grief counselors, have come together to produce What Happened to the World? This booklet offers guidance on how you can help children cope in these turbulent times. It also provides advice and additional resources to help children manage grief, fear and intolerance. Together we have an obligation to raise and educate a generation of healthy, vibrant, and tolerant children. It is they who will ultimately provide the answer to the question "What will happen to our world?" Sincerely, Linda Mason, Chairman and Founder of Bright Horizons Family Solutions Joy Bunson, SeniorVice President, Human Resources of JPMorgan Chase Neal Keny-Guyer, Chief Executive Officer of Mercy Corps Donna Schuurman, Executive Director of The Dougy Center Author Jim Greenman Is Senior Vice President of Education and Program Development for Bright Horizons Family Solutions. 1.• Bright Horizons ..... Bright Horizons Family Solutions is the world's leading provider of child care, early education, and work/life solutions, caring for more than 40,000 children in more than 370 child care and early education centers around the world. We dedicate this book to the thousands of children who lost a parent in the attacks of September II, to those young children whose own lives were senselessly lost, and to the thousands of families mourning the loss of loved ones. We also pay tribute to the heroes among us, Including the Bright Horizons faculty who administered aid to victims in lower Manhattan in the wake of the attacks. Q CHASE JPMorgan Chase had 15,000 employees working out of our downtown New York City offices on the morning of September II. We dedicate this book to the two colleagues whose lives were lost that day, to our staff who lost friends and family members, and to all the families affected by September's tragic events. Worldwide, 100,000 colleagues in more than 50 countries embody the spirit of the JPMorgan Chase values and work every day to bring their very best to our clients and to our communities. CI Mercy Corps Mercy Corps exists to alleviate suffering, poverty and oppression by helping people build secure, productive and lust communities. Mercy Corps has provided over $575 million in aid to 73 nations since 1979. The agency currently reaches 5 million people in more than 25 countries. Over 95 percent of the Mercy Corps resources are allocated to programs that help those in need. llw Dototenler ilr ainn' ( 'feta fin (karats (Miens The mission of The Dougy Center for Grieving Children is to provide to families in Portland and the surrounding region loving support in a safe place where children, teens and their families grieving a death can share their experience as they move through their healing process.Through our National Center for Grieving Children 8Z Families, we also provide support and training locally, nationally and internationally to individuals and organizations seeking to assist children and teens with grief EFTA00305012 What Happened to the World? Helping children cope in turbulent times By Jim Greenman EFTA00305013 Table of Contents Acknowledgements 4 Changes To Help Children Cope With Stress:A Quick Summary 32 When the Towers Fell —"I Am Anyone" 5 When to Seek Help 34 Introduction 6 Helping Children Understand 35 What Happened to the World? 9 Answering Children's Questions 35 Children Need Our Strength: How Do We Feel? 11 Children's Fears 40 Common Emotional Reactions to Trauma 15 Children's Understanding of the World 42 Common Changes in Behavior 16 Questions About Military Engagement, War, and Terrorism 42 Taking Care of Yourself 17 How Do We Answer Younger Children's Questions About Terrorism? 44 Understanding and Supporting Children 18 How Do We Answer Older Children's Questions About Terrorism? 44 Every Child Is Different 20 How Do We Answer Younger Children's Questions About War? 46 Knowing the Child Children Under 3 Years Old 21 21 How Do We Answer Older Children's Questions About War, Military Engagement, Retaliation, and Seeking Justice? 46 What Do Children Under Age 3 Need? 22 Boys and War 48 Preschool Children 22 What Do We Tell Children Whose Lau( Ones Face Military Service? 48 Common Preschool Reactions to Stress 24 What Do We Tell Teens Concerned About Military Service? 49 What Do Children Under Age 5 Need? 25 Children's Exposure to Death 49 Elementary -School-Age Children 26 Tolerance: Respect for Others 50 Common School-Age Reactions to Stress 27 Teaching Resistance to Bias 53 What Do School-Age Children Need? 28 Helping Children in Child Care and School: Tips for Teachers 54 Junior High and High School Children 29 What Teachers Can Do 56 Common Teenage Reactions to Stress 30 What Happens Now? Toward a Better World 58 What Do Teenagers Need? 30 Resources 59 EFTA00305014 Acknowledgements Grateful appreciation to the following, who contributed in the development of What Happened to the World? Donation of services: Liquid Fire Advertising Child Care Information Exchange Grey Ink Pictorial Offset The Creative Photography Studio Steve Sack Advice and Assistance: James Boehnlein Susan Brenner Mary Bresadola Sarah Buckley Joy Bunson Diana Crespo Cynthia Doyle Debbie Dreier Sheila Eggert John Fazio, Ph.D. Jessica Fein Sarah Fort Christine Fossaceca Mara Galaty Dee Dee Guzman Alison Hart Ilene Hoffer Najia Hyder Griffen Jack Doris Jewett Kendall Johnson Mark Koltko-Rivera Joi Lecznar Linda Mason Keith Regehr Diane Rollo Ruthanne Russell Kathleen Schmid Koltko-Rivera Donna Schuurman Kathy South Maggie Stanley Judy Uhron Bruce Wachtler Jim White Linda Whitehead When the Towers Fell "I Am Anyone" Jim Greenman ( got sitars old or so years obi and r mat to 6e Nukyow to. clue, nr ke Add, to k.eetyckt ut _eke to connect- wct4 everyone r carte ar6oHt. I arm seamed for me, scarred- forym. I fart 4 or +o and r want ttr Wilk sense of the senseless. 6wId trju Mock tower and knack. u- down, hard. r cant Ito" stormy at- rAe flickering images. "die plane &auk over and over and aver. I am sescAtni far understanduy 404- why titu Arena, about whist tAtl meow 4 me. l am r or c0 atto“ and lave alike, 6w- different. I ain't stop tote or r cant ford die words. r make dark jokes or r make coley direarts. cant show my came or I cant stop die ton am 6 or 6 0 and I 'Mt mad. How conk they do titur r want mitt even. eve watiet gym' am 7 or 70 and see Aerues. I see fu-efeAters and polio and people bite me AOnni people. r wants to AO). Ca I 6e at itere r fed powerless. r want to 6e safe. I wet to protect those wham r love. feet confused. why of die sky {fail How coAlat people da tittsz r want to know. ( feel angry — r hate who did this. Ant I like theme feel so, SP sad — r feel it& erre. ivy hear 6reatks iecatwe of die sadness arrtund me. fan 2 or 2o, e or go, 5 or 5o and want u- to at like adore. 4 5 EFTA00305015 Introduction Children's lives have always been marked by change. Each day brings new revelations that life is filled with storms as well as sunshine. No child ultimately escapes from the experience of fear, loss, grief, and trauma. But extraordinary events that shatter the sense of security of everyone they know and love put a particular pressure on the adults in their lives to be at their best as parents and caregivers. The attacks of terror on a beautiful day in September 2001, and the revelations that more attacks were planned and may be expected in the future, have created a new national reality. The aftermath of a declaration of war on terror, as well as the certain increase in bomb threats, false alarms, and rumors, guarantee that life will be different for children and families for the foreseeable future. The September II attacks were the act of terrorists who hated the politics of the United States. America was attacked by a terrorist organization, not a country and not an Islamic or Muslim movement. Times of conflict and war usually reduce human relationships to "us vs. them" and challenge our capacity for tolerance and understanding. We owe it to our children to resist intolerance and prejudice and to help them grow up understanding our common humanity and respecting our differences. What Happened to the World? is for parents, teachers, and everyone working with children and families who is trying to make sense of a world where the sky can fall, thousands die, war is proclaimed, and our sense of safety and security disappears in a day. It is designed to help adults peer into the minds of children and understand their fears, their grief, and their struggles to understand why the ground under their feet can suddenly shake. While What Happened to the World? is a response to the events of September 2001, almost all of the insight into children's thinking and behavior and what they need from the adult world applies to other calamities, personal and social; death; natural disaster; and violence. Every day, individual children touched by life's darker side are asking."What happened to my world?" 6 7 EFTA00305016 What Happened to the World? On September ll, 2001, three blocks from the World Trade Center, a tilde girl left her child care center with her teacher to reunite with her mother. Stepping out onto the sidewalk, as her eyes, ears, and nose took in the gray air and ankle—deep debris, the amazed child exclaimed for all of us, "What happened to the world?" The teacher could offer no answer other than "You're safe with us. Let's go find your Mom," And that is just what they did. Ma are i.e to answ? Planes crashed, buildings tumbled, smoke thickened the air, and rubble covered the streets. Adults were scared, and on the airwaves and in the headlines there was talk of war Anyone who felt removed from the threats of terror — who thought that mass destruction happened far away on the television or movie screen, that it wouldn't happen here, that Oklahoma City was an aberration — went to bed on September II shaken and changed. The events of that day touched everyone. Certainly the millions in New York, Washington, D.C., and Pennsylvania who experienced the blot and the aftermath know firsthand the trauma. Anyone who commutes to those cities, who travels by air, who works in a tall building or a federal building, who visits New York or Washington, or knows someone who does, is also affected. And, as the fear of further acts of temxism grows, anyone who can safThat could have been me or someone I love" is joined by many others who will worry" That could be me or someone I love — next time 9 EFTA00305017 The alleged hijackers were Middle Eastern men from a number of countries, bonded together by a hatred for the policies and practices of the United States and by unorthodox, radical beliefs not representative of the Middle East or of Muslims around the world. Their faces stare back at us from the front pages of our newspapers and from our television screens. We may look at them with fear and uncertainty — fear of our enemies; fear of foreign lands with political structures we don't understand; fear of cultures, races, or religions with which we may be unfamiliar; fear for our country. In this time of crisis in the United States, Arab-American communities, citizens from the Middle East, and Muslims in general who have nothing to do with the crisis are potential targets of intolerance, hatred, and violence simply because of what they look like, the sound of their names, or the ignorance of others. When will life return to normal? Almost certainly, never. The country and its families will construct a new idea of normal so that life can go on and we can rebuild. We live in a 24-hour instant news culture where dramatic images of horror or grief surround our children.The"new normal" for children will have to be a world where they come to terms with a new sense of threat and possible conflict, but nonetheless have the internal resources and support to live happy, productive lives. The child's world today is a global village, and children will have to understand what it means to live with others who look and sound different, have different cultures and values, and practice different religions. They live here and in faraway lands. In the September II disaster, more than 5,000 people from 80 countries perished. News of all the events was instantly broadcast worldwide, and the search for friends and enemies is a global one. If our lives and the lives of our children are not to be shrouded in conflict, we will need to learn understanding, tolerance, and respect for others — a difficult task when the drumbeat of conflict creates a "for us or against us" mentality. A climate of terrorism and war touches us all, but not equally. Some will experience much more pain and distress. In addition to those who have or will experience the events directly, there are many others already living with trauma or overwhelming stress who are vulnerable to new blows. There are also children and adults whose high sensitivity to tragedy and trauma leaves them particularly vulnerable in times when fear and tragedy are ever-present. What happened to the world? It has become a place where we need to support each other and our children more than ever before. Children Need Our Strength: How Do We Feel? Adults largely set the emotional landscape for children. Children depend on us to be strong and solid, to know what is happening and to guide them through the shoals of troubled waters. 10 II EFTA00305018 How did you feel watching the horror of September II? How did you react to the growing realization that terror had come into all of our lives, that many of us would have or might be directly drawn into the experience of loss? Our hearts went out to victims and survivors and ached for the world that had changed. How are you feeling now in a world proclaimed to be at war with terrorism, and what might that mean today or tomorrow? Knowing how you feel and finding your way to higher ground is critical to helping the children you love and care for. Even as babies, children see, hear, and feel our pain and despair, and they look to us for understanding, reassurance, and hope. They have a sixth sense that detects unease and uncertainty When disaster strikes, every child wants to know from you: Will I be okay? Will you be okay? Will everybody I care about be okay? The first step in helping children cope with turbulent times is to sort through our own feelings and get the support we need. Children need from us all the low, strength, reassurance, and calm we can musterTheir sense of safety stems from us: the big, strong adults who protect them from misfortunes they never imagined. A distraught mother: "I tried to keep talking with my children about what happened on September II, and they just didn't seem to care — only that their TV shows were off. My husband is a pastor, and last night we organized a silent, candlelight walk down the main streets of our town. The thing my son was excited about was that HE got to carry the flag. This seemed important to him only because it was fun. I have four children benveen the ages of 6 and IS years old. Even my most sensitive child seems not to care. What can I do to help them understand the magnitude of what has happened? I have tried so many different approaches, but nothing has worked. I don't expect them to sob like 1 have for the past few days...but at least SOMETHING should come our of this. I thought maybe they weren't talking because they were so scared...but they said they were not scared. 1 asked them what they thought. They decided that we should just annihilate the enemy. (Unfortunately, they got that idea from me.) I talked about the children who will be coming home to a missing parent. I showed them how we could help by donating blood or money. I asked them how they would feel if one day Dad just went off to work as usual and never came home again. I just can't get through to them. I know they are not putting on a happy act and that underneath they are very scared and sad. Please help me." 12 13 EFTA00305019 Teenager: Mom is so sucked. My friends and I talk a lot about terrorism, and, of course, I'm scared. I don't want to fly to Grandma's this summer, but I'm not going to talk to her and Dad about how I feel — they'll either freak or preach. Who talks to their mom? The anguished parent's emotional reaction probably overwhelmed her children. Their reaction to the catastrophe and the distress at home was actually fairly normal. Some experienced the attacks of terror themselves or through the life of someone they knew. But many more watched the television, thinking, "That could have been me or my friend or relative. We could be next. Why them and not us?" We all feel and behave differently in response to trauma; the timing and intensity of our feelings and the behavior changes that follow vary from person to person. Some take it all in in a great rush and open wound of emotion; others compartmentalize or push feelings down and try to manage the response. The stress in each of our lives varies widely, as do the supports that we have to cushion and offset the large and small challenges to our well-being. But somewhere inside, we all feel frightened and vulnerable. Common Emotional Reactions to Trauma Shook: How could this happen? Confusion: What does it all mean? Fear or worry What will happen next; where, when and to whom? Will it end? Grief for someone I loved, or someone else like me or those whom I love. Anger at the people who perpetrated the attacks, at the cruelty and unfairness of it all. Guilt: Why them and not me? It's not like me to hate and want revenge. Helplessness: I can't make my world like it was — a safe, manageable place. Sadnesr Lives lost, children orphaned, futures turned to dust and ash. Isolation or alienation: I'm not sure if anyone understands my feelings. Hopelessness: I'm not sure all this effort is worth it; what does it matter? 14 IS EFTA00305020 Common Changes in Behavior I don't know how many times I have been in tears. Or angry. I either want to hug my kids or get away from them. I just want to sleep. My husband is driving me crazy. He constantly watches the news, or just works, and pays little attention to us. He doesn't sleep much. Many people respond to trauma with some of the following reactions and changes in behavior: Appetite changes Change in sleeping patterns Anxiety Tension Headaches and low resistance to illness Crying Anger or short temper Fatigue Hyperactivity Mood swings Difficulty concentrating Numbness or apathy Depression All of these reactions are normal, up to a point. You are not alone in these responses. But when the reaction is intense and prolonged, seeking help is important for you and the children for whom you care. Taking Care of Yourself To take care of children, you need to take care of yourself Talk about your feelings with adults with whom you feel secure. Try to create a daily routine and rituals that support your current needs [routine is a morning cup of coffee; ritual is more personal — drinking the coffee from your favorite cup while sitting in a chair by the window). Try to create a daily routine and rituals that support your family's current needs. Live well: eat right, get exercise, sleep. Cry when you need to, and seek solitude when you have to. Take breaks from the news and headlines. Take breaks from others who bring you down. Give yourself and those around you some slack for poor behavior under stress. Seek help if you feel that life is not becoming more manageable. Replenish your spirit with friends, faith, family, music, or nature. 16 17 EFTA00305021 Understanding and Supporting Children A week after the terror in New York 4-year-old Kia asked her mom when the planes would stop crashing and the buildings stop falling. Her mother reassured her that it was all over. "No, Morn, it happened again fast night, and this morning," said Kia. "Honey, it's over," her mother said with a hug. "No! Come look," Kia insisted, and her mother once again saw the familiar images appearing on the TV screen, "But that's the same plane and the same building. Thar happened last week," her mother explained. "Oh," said Kia, still convinced that hundreds of planes had attacked hundreds of buildings. The planes keep crashing into the buildings. The buildings keep falling down. The people keep emerging covered with dust and blood, day after day And, if you are a child watching the news, it doesn't stop. If you happen to be 3 or 4 or 5 years old, still learning to navigate the confusing borders of time and space and what is real and what isn't, you probably think it's dozens of planes and dozens of buildings. Daily crashes result in daily destruction, and the child may always be thinking, "When will it happen to me?" I2-year-old Jason, Manny, and their friends spent time together delightedly imagining all the ways the terrorist might strike again, terrifying their younger siblings. They focused on the gory details. They also plotted grisly counter-terror initiatives. Manny's older brother talked enthusiastically of enlisting in the armed forces. Die Hard, The Terminator, JAG, and other action dramas are now taking on new meaning for young adults, particularly boys. Their reactions to world events and approaching manhood will reflect the fascination with doing good (and evil) dramatically. It is normal for them to play the roles of warriors and police. 18 19 EFTA00305022 Every Child Is Different Anne, at the age of 3, paid dose attention to TV reports of any threat — thaw, hurriames, and emthquakes — and nightmares alwuys foliated. The loss of a pet. a friend mooing away, and the sorrows of distant others were all felt intensely. Alejandro on the other had breezed through his childhood with only a brief pause for the real calamities that occurred around him. lOrn's vivid imagination and her empathy for others left her seriously vulnerable when any tragedy crossed her path. Malik and Tyler's 9-year-old response to airplane crashes were similar while not appearing particularly upset, each needed precise answers on an infinite number of details about the crash. And 15-year- old Steven near let on that anything would shake his cool veneer. Obviously; children are different, from adults and hoar each other But remembering that in practice is not always easy for parents and teachers. Children think very differently from adults, and at each stage of development they view the world through their own unique lenses. From birth, children have their own sensitivity to change, to unexpected events, and to distress.They respond to dramatic events and stress in their own way and with differing intensity. All children are vulnerable, but not equally A child already grieving over a lost loved one (including a pet), divorce, or separation, may feel more vulnerable, as will children who have families in crisis, or who are under stress for any number of reasons. Unusually sensitive and empathetic children will also struggle more to come to terms with events. Knowing the Child Supporting children during times of uncertainty and stress begins with knowing your child. The best indicators of distress in children are changes in their behavior. Watch for behavior that is not typical for the child: a normally outgoing child behaving shyly or withdrawing; or a child becoming whiny, irritable, or anger-prone. A teen who is normally cool and distant may withdraw from the family even more. A child may regress to past behavior, thumb sucking or defiance, clinging, or not showing the self-help skills of which he or she is capable. Remember, not all behaviors or behavior changes stem from a crisis. All the other aspects of life and development are marching on — adjusting to a new class or school, friends moving away or changing allegiances, parents worried about layoffs, or a teen not having a date — all create personal stress that may eclipse societal turmoil. Children Under 3 Years Old They know something is up. Children under age 3 experience tragedy or disaster by absorbing the tension, fear, or hurt of the people they love and the changes in the household or child care program. Even very young babies react when parents are upset or depressed. Two-year-cMs are beginning to understand the concept of hurt and may point out hurt people. They also may want to comfort you and others who are upset. 2O 21 EFTA00305023 Infants and toddlers can only show their distress with the language of behavior: eating (and pooping), sleeping, being contrary, clinging to you, and crying. What Do Children Under Age 3 Need? Normal routines and favorite rituals A peaceful household Very limited exposure to the media and adult conversations about crisis, disaster, or military engagement Ample time with calm, loving, reassuring adults Preschool Children They know more than you think, and much of it is incomplete or misconceived. Preschool children are much more aware of world events than babies and more aware than we think, but their understanding is limited.Very young children are magical thinkers and do not live in our adult woddThey confuse fantasy and reality, time and space, and are working through the concepts of cause and effect and permanence. Their daily world is already populated with monsters, disasters, nightmares, and heroes.The images on the news are not different from the fictional images they see on the television screen, so the maid- impact of the tent( and its aftermath is the effect that it has on adults new fears of bombs; anxiety about air travel, buildings Wing down, and the threat of war. Children pay attention to adult words, and words such as cad; raving, and retaliadon may make them feel insecure. Preschool children have a conscious awareness that people can come and go, and in times of crisis are likely to have fears of abandonment. They feel helpless because they now understand that they need protection and care, and they worry,"Something might happen to those I love and need." Children's sensitivity to tragic events as depicted on television varies widely Some children barely notice or shake it off relatively quickly; some are very traumatized. Most children fall in between those poles. Preschool children may ask a lot of questions. They need honest answers, but do not need details that will disturb them. Do not bring up issues that don't appear to be on the child's mind, but do listen for hidden questions. Remember the old story about the S-year-old who asked7Where did I come from?' Following a short discussion of where babies come from, the child said,"Okay, but Tony came from Iowa. What about me?" 14i DAD. GU eSS WHAT-Stle SLEPT THROUGH me NIGHT! I Yep.FiRST TiMe SiNce we LOST HeR MOM. so Tea me.Does THAT COL,NTAS A GLORIOUS VicTORY mine FiGHTAGAiNST GLOBAL TERRORISM, Does iT Feet_ Line A SON?ViFtY, 22 23 EFTA00305024 Play is how children make sense of and come to terms with a world that offers surprises and puzzles every day. Play is how children achieve mastery over the situations in which they are powerless. Their dramatic play may reflect the current events: Building and destroying block towers Flying and crashing planes Playing police officers or soldiers Playing doctors, rescue workers, and the injured or the dead Preschool children also use art to work through and express thoughts and feelings. They need adults who recognize that playing through life's horrors is normal, who listen to them, and who do not react harshly, preach, or condemn. Children need to play at being powerful, even evil. Unless play might lead to a child becoming hurt physically or emotionally, it is usually best not to intervene. Common Preschool Reactions to Stress: Bed-wetting Fear of the dark, monsters, or animals Clinging to parents and caregivers Nightmares Toileting accidents — loss of bladder or bowel control, constipation Speech difficulties [e.g., a loss for words, stammering) Loss or increase of appetite Cries or screams for help Fear of being left alone; fear of strangers Confusion Testing behavior These can all be normal preschool behaviors. The key is to look for changes in a particular child's behavior. What Do Children Under Age 5 Need? Normal routines and favorite rituals A peaceful household Limited exposure to the media and adult conversations about the crisis Ample time with calm, loving, reassuring adults Much verbal reassurance that you and they will be okay Plenty of physical reassurance [e.g., hugs, snuggling) To know where you and the others whom they love are at any given time Opportunities for you to listen and gentle conversation Opportunities to draw or use clay to express themselves Opportunities for and acceptance of play that may reflect the current events with intervention only to avoid harm Special time and reassurance at bedtime, including letting the child sleep with you 24 25 EFTA00305025 Elementary -School-Age Children They know much more than you think and want to know more. As children go through the school-age years, they increasingly inhabit the world outside the home. They can understand reality, what is real and what is permanent, but they lack perspective. They are learning how events fit together and want to understand how things happen and what impact events will have. They have a lot of questions and expect honest answers about details that matter to them. They understand loss and can identify with the people directly affected by events. They think about what life is like for others. Their fears are real and realistic from their limited perspective, and they often focus on the fact that "it" could happen to them. It is a time when they are imagining their adult selves — what they will do when they grow up — and identify with adult roles. In times of crisis, dramatic heroes and villains both hold fascination for them. Increasingly, peers play a larger role in shaping thinking, feelings, and reactions to events. School-age children are interested in rules and the difference between good and bad, right and wrong. Their sense of fairness and justice can lead to outrage and strong, rigid opinions in the face of terrible acts. Common School-Age Reactions to Stress: Nail biting or thumb sucking Irritability Whining Clinging Aggressive behavior at home or school Competition with younger siblings for parental attention Night terrors, nightmares, fear of the dark Avoiding school Loss of interest and poor concentration in school Withdrawal from peers Regressive behavior (reverting to past behaviors) Headaches or other physical complaints Depression Fears about war, air travel, building collapse, surprise attacks 26 27 EFTA00305026 What Do School-Age Children Need? Normal routines and favorite rituals A peaceful household Ample opportunities for time with calm, loving, reassuring adults Adults who will find out what is on their minds and answer their questions honestly with the details that matter to them Verbal and physical reassurance that you and they will be okay To know where the people they love are at any given time Guided exposure to the news and adult discussion Opportunities to talk and play with peers Opportunities to play with adults Opportunities to draw, use day, or take part in dramatic expression Acceptance of play and dramatic conversation that reflect the current events Relaxed expectations at school or at home during the crisis period Reassurance at bedtime, including letting the child sleep with you Opportunities to help others and to participate in community efforts Planning for safety measures to be taken in future disasters Junior High and High School Children They know much more than you think, and they want to know more, but not ohms from you, and they may or may not want to share. As children develop through their teen years, their way of being in the world and responding to traumatic events slowly changes from the reactions of a child to the reactions of a young adult. Teens often feel overwhelmed by their emotions. They can experience a vast spectrum of ups and downs. Disasters or violent acts add to the mix. Peers are critically important, and the group reaction can heighten anxieties or leave a child feeling alone and out of step. Teens may respond to traumatic events with hyper-reactions or professed indifference, particularly toward adults. Some will be glued to the television and pore over newspapers and magazines; others will avoid the news. Some may have difficulty expressing caring, concern, and anxiety. Inside they may feel inadequate or guilty. Some may talk about gaining revenge or joining the military, while others may be outraged by hypocrisy and take a contrary view. Teens will track adult views closely, particularly around justice and prejudice. Teens, particularly older teens, may worry about what the future holds for them in a world where war is likely Disasters are difficult for teens because they occur at the time of life when they are often beginning to move away from family The need to draw family together may cause resistance or conflict. 28 29 EFTA00305027 Common Teenage Reactions to Stress: Appetite and sleep disturbances Headaches, or other physical complaints Increase or decrease in energy level Indifference Depression Confusionlpoor concentration Poor performance in school Rebellion in the home Refusal to be cooperative Aggressive behavior School problems (e.g., attendance, fighting, withdrawal, loss of interest, attention-seeking behaviors) Withdrawal and isolation What Do Teenagers Need? A peaceful household To know that you are there for them when they need it (and want it) To know your whereabouts (even if they don't admit it) To be offered opportunities to talk about feelings — yours and theirs — honestly, but without being intrusive; listening, not lecturing 30 EFTA00305028 Your best and wisest adult perspective on war, justice, tolerance, and other issues of the time Opportunities to talk about feelings about the draft, military service, and war Adults who are willing to engage in serious discussions Time with peers for play and discussion Adults who encourage resumption of social activities, athletics, clubs, etc. Opportunities to help others Group planning for safety measures to be taken in future disasters Structured but un-demanding responsibilities To take care of themselves: eat, sleep, exercise Temporarily relaxed expectations of performance Individual attention and consideration when they ask for it Changes To Help Children Cope With Stress: A Quick Summary* Be available. Provide a peaceful household. Listen, listen, and listen some more. Be honest and answer their questions — at their level. Respect differences in children — individual and age•based. Encourage consistency, everyday routines, and favorite rituals. Make the environment safe for talking about feelings and thoughts. Expect and allow for all kinds of emotion. Give choices and be flexible — avoid power struggles. Allow a lot of opportunities and different media for expression. Encourage activity and play. Support the child's friendships and social network. Be a model as a human being. Hug with permission. Practice patience. Support children — at their worst. Expect behavior that is typical of a younger child. Expect behavior that is beyond the child's years. Live right — eat, rest, sleep. Make bedtime special. Resist overprotection. Don't force talk and interaction. Understand that playing is a way to grieve and sort through fears and confusion. Attend to the physical symptoms. Reassure the child that he or she is not alone. 32 33 EFTA00305029 Set limits on behavior, and enforce them. Remember triggers that will cause distress. Plan family time together. Be available for help if needed. Take care of yourself. *This list was adapted from 35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child (The Dougy Center). When to Seek Help Reactions to traumatic events may appear immediately or after several days or weeks. Most of the time, the symptoms detailed above will begin to disappear as the child and family readjust. But if symptoms accumulate or persist over time, it may be wise to seek help outside the family circle. For one family this might mean turning to a pastor, a rabbi, or an imam for counseling; for another, a mental health worker.Your employer or the outpatient clinic of your local hospital can often help identify counseling resources.A counselor will talk to your children to help them understand their feelings. Cr CI whirr Pewee mear tit me By Luke Mays,Age: 8 Na rvqrf No. rernrutsrmurr No terrorist cants' Nt vverne Na Beady wtowituits (\Acre peace yneetvellrffliffliffil Mae Mere inettis. Nfri byre enamel' Helping Children Understand Until a crisis hits, most children (and adults) don't spend their days thinking about fundamental issues of life and death, war and peace, crime and punishment, or tolerance and bigotry. All of that changes with acts of terrorism or war. What do parents and teachers need to know now? Answering Children's Questions The aftermath of any disaster leaves us not only with physical destruction and difficult feelings, but with hard questions, as well. Children need the opportunity to talk about the feelings and issues that occupy the news — with each other and with adults. Children may ask questions that test our fundamental social and political views:"Why do people hate us?""Why are those people so poor?""Do you believe in war?""What do you think of those Middle Eastern countries? "Is America always right?"They may ask 34 35 EFTA00305030 spiritual and moral questions:"Why do people die?"" Why do some people follow his or her lead. Recognize the clues in a child's art, die and some liverls it sometimes right to kill — even children?" play, or conversations with friends. Children need our thoughtfulness and our honesty. No child will ever look back and say, "Gee, thanks for lying to me': Before talking to children: Get your own feelings and thoughts straight. Try to be your most thoughtful, calm, and emotionally stable self when you talk to children. Be prepared for the inevitable difficult questions about why people kill, why war happens, why people die, and why people hate. Think not only about what you want to say, but also about how you want it to come across. Depending on our words, tone, and body language, we may project calm, thoughtfulness, sadness, anger, or vengeful self-righteousness. How do we want the child to think and feel about us as human beings? Ask children what they think the words that they are using (war, terrorism, Arab, Islam, army) mean and what feelings they are having. Understand what they know and feel before beginning any dialogue. Find opportunities to ask what's on the child's mind and Don't assume either a lack of interest or a strong interest without checking first. When you encourage a young child to draw or ask a child about his or her feelings, you give permission to think and feel scary or angry thoughts. Acknowledge feelings: Share your feelings, but always be strong. Children need adults to be strong in a crisis. You may be sad, scared, confused, or angry, and you can share your feelings, but be your strongest self. The child needs to draw on your strength. Offer the reassurances you can. From saying,"Lots and lots of strong, smart people are working hard to keep us safe;' to reading a newspaper article on national efforts with an older child, or sharing hugs that say,"I'm here for you;' help the child get the response that he or she needs. With younger children, try to control images that will define war or terrorism in the child's mind. The child hasn't seen much of life and can easily feel that everything, everyone, everywhere is coming apart; everyone is hurt or going to be hurt. The quantity and intensity of TV, radio, newspapers, and adult 36 37 EFTA00305031 conversation during a crisis can easily frighten children, and adults must try to manage those images.Very young children often do not understand that one incident generates a week of repeated images. Respect the growing ability of school-age children and teens to understand issues, and be honest with them. Many older children may for the first time become interested in larger issues of life in other countries, the military, war and peace, world religions, poverty, tolerance, and life and death. For all of us, these issues have replaced lurid scandals and local concerns in the headlines. Stay tuned into the child. Keep listening, asking, dialoguing, and reassuring as the child's thoughts and feelings evolve. Don't provide more information than the child needs to know. Make the tragedy or conflict understandable to the child. Every child is different, and the explanation of national and world events needs to match the child's developmental understanding. Protect your child's idealism. Children are idealists. For them, the world is a good place, people are mostly good, and life is worth living. Sudden exposure to violence and the possibility of destruction tests their idealism and ours. If children are witcn t4c had; plges craft c, l,ad fel+ So. ry a MIS 7 - I' t • 38 EFTA00305032 exposed to too much of life's dark side and too much pessimism, they may Will l be okay? Will you be okay? Will everyone I know and love be okay? lose their sense of optimism and feeling that life is manageable. In every conversation, stay alert to racism and stereotyping and work for cross-cultural understanding and respect for others. Be at your best as a human being. In times of conflict,"us vs. them" mentalities, ethnic stereotypes, and contempt for "foreign behavior" lead to racism and cultural bias that is often unintentional, but damaging nonetheless. More than ever, it is time to recognize and appreciate cultural differences and teach children to accept and respect all ethnic groups and religions. Children need us to model tolerance, respect for diversity, and the need to learn about other peoples, cultures and countries. Be alert for opportunities to steer children toward helping actively. The feelings of powerlessness and helplessness shared by both children and adults are alleviated through action. There are hundreds of ways to connect with others around the world and show our common humanity: pen pals, children's fund drives, cultural exchanges, and community work. Children's Fears As children grow up, they become interested in larger issues. But the basis of many questions and concerns that surface in times of crisis is fear. To help the child: Identify the fear. Give simple answers, and follow the child's lead in continuing the dialogue. Always try to reassure. Help children feel that it is extremely unlikely this is going to happen to them, to you, or to others whom they know (even if you are not feeling entirety sure that is the case). Respect the fears. Remember that fear, theirs and ours, is not always rational. In the aftermath of September '1,2001, children (and adults) may fear air travel, the collapse of buildings, or riding on subways. They may worry about parents or older siblings having to go to war, and they may react to men who appear to be Middle Eastern or just "foreign." With young children, the best way to break down fear is through your strong, calm, thoughtful presence. Older children rely upon your strong presence and your rationality: People are working very hard to improve airport security, and only four planes out of tens of thousands were involved. There are millions of buildings in the country, and only three were attacked. The men who were responsible for this are not representative of the millions and millions of Muslim men or Middle Eastern 40 41 EFTA00305033 people. Many followers of Islam from countries around the world died in the attacks, too. Most Muslims are as sad, angry, and shocked as anyone else. War against terrorism is very serious, and our country is very strong and powerful. Most other countries are on our side. Our leaders are working to keep us all safe. Good people live everywhere in the world; they come in all colors and worship all religions and believe very strongly in world peace. Children's Understanding of the World All but the youngest children are aware that we live in a big world with many countries and many different kinds of people. The world beyond our borders becomes more real to us during international conflict. Interest in the crisis presents an opportunity to help children learn about the world and all of its people and to connect with them. Use books and the media to explore the world's peoples and environments. As children grow up, introduce different ethnic foods. Learn more about the nationalities represented in your child's child care center or school. Questions About Military Engagement, War, and Terrorism War on terrorism does not fit neatly into traditional definitions of war. Children need to understand that war is when countries or peoples fight over problems much harder to solve than the everyday problems among individuals. Terrorism is when a few people do terrible things to hurt a group of people or a whole country and use scare tactics to get their way. The terrorists who attacked New York and Washington, D.C. on September II, 2001 oppose nearly everything they think that the United States stands for. But almost all of the world believes that the terrorists committed a terrible crime, even those who disagree with the United States on many issues. 42 43 EFTA00305034 Children are struggling with their own issues of how to resolve disputes peacefully. When they see adults using violence, it raises many questions. It contradicts everything we have taught them:"Use words,""Compromise," "Don't hit back,""Fighting doesn't solve anything;' or 'Thou shall not kill:' How Do We Answer Younger Children's Questions About Terrorism? As Fred Rogers said:"There are some people in this world who are very angry and haven't learned how to live with people they don't agree with." They come in all colors and live in different places. And sometimes they do terrible, awful things to hurt people. But there are many more people who know how to get along, and they are all over the world working hard to stop these people who do terrible things. How Do We Answer Older Children's Questions About Terrorism? Older children need to understand that some very angry, very bad people who hate the United States and want to destroy our way of life have killed thousands of Americans and people from other countries as well. These people are a pretty small group of extremists from a number of countries but do not represent either the people or the governments of the countries from which they come. Children and adults need to understand that to avoid holding innocent people responsible for these attacks, we must remember that terrorists are individuals. Timothy McVeigh was a male, white, American, professed Christian, army veteran who bombed a building. All men, whites, Christians, Americans, and veterans, did not bomb the federal building and did not deserve our contempt; Timothy McVeigh did. We hold him responsible — not others. Past terrorists have been women and men from many countries and all ideologies and faiths. The 50 or 100 or even 1,000 people involved in planning these terrible attacks are reportedly Islamic men from a number of Middle Eastern countries. All Muslims and all Middle Eastern people did not attack America; a group of men who hate American policies and practices did. Many Muslims died in the terrorist attacks. There are millions of Muslims and Middle Eastern people who mourned American victims and donated blood. It is no more acceptable to lash out at Muslims or Middle Eastern people than it would have been to lash out at white, Christian Americans after the bombing in Oklahoma City. Our anger, fear, and sense of powerlessness can sometimes cause us to feel and want to do senseless things — lust like the terrorists did. Older children can understand that terrorism is a political response and that the terrorists have specific issues with the United States' global presence. They may want to discuss issues they read about in newspapers or hear on the news. Even murderous attacks on ci