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Ashland, Oregon HOME Valley & State Sports Nation & World Opinion/Editorial Classifieds Business Columnists Local Issues Obituaries Weather Archive Revels Etcetera Backpage Hot Topics Most Viewed Forum Photo Galleries Video Readers Polls O-Zone Online Games Movie Preview Special Sections Real Estate Guide Menu Guide Shakespeare Subscribe Contact Us Rate Card Place an Ad April 30, 2005 Dual Perspectives Children learn a lot from parents’ actions Whoever influences children’s lives for the better will try to give them a positive view of themselves and their world. The child’s future happiness and ability to cope with life and relate to others will depend on it. Al & Anne Bodin A parent’s most important task is to get a feeling for what things may mean to a child. Through this behavior, and their values, parents provide direction for their ideals. Incidents which adults may consider trifles are immensely significant to youngsters, so parental actions and behavioral responses establish the signals which guide a child’s awakening to the world around them. Therefore, a child’s understanding is based on innumerable observations in all kinds of situations which give him or her an unerring sense that parents are acting in accordance with their usual beliefs and ethics, thus demonstrating that they are grounded in customary ways of doing things. Should, however, children feel that their parents are acting “out of character,” they will feel confused and may judge their parent’s unusual behavior with mistrust. Words and gestures, the tone of voice and facial expression can suddenly throw a different light on things and so can a lack of response. We would be best reminded that children have a quite subtle sense for whose benefit some action is occurring, theirs or our own. A message every adult should read because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say is exemplified in the following examples so aptly stated by observant children: When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another on it. When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals. When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life. When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other. When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don’t. When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given. When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn’t feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up. When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it’s all right to cry. When you thought I wasn’t looking, I learned most of life’s lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up. When you thought I wasn’t looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, “Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking.” Al and Anne Bodin are retired licensed marriage, family and child therapists with former practices in Ashland and California. --> Copyright © 2006 Ashland Daily Tidings and Ottaway Newspapers. All Rights Reserved.