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Be open, expert urges parents A sexuality educator will talk in Medford about how to encourage those questions on sex By JONEL ALECCIA Mail Tribune When young people have questions about love, sex and relationships, where do they turn for answers? Chances are, adults - especially parents - aren't high on the list. That doesn't have to be so, says Sol Gordon, a nationally known author and sexuality educator appearing in Medford this week. With some forethought, a little practice and a dose of courage, parents, teachers and others who work with and care about youth can increase their approachability quotient - and improve their relationships with kids. "Parents need to know there are no inappropriate questions," says Gordon, who will discuss "How to Be An 'Askable' Adult" from 11 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Thursday at the Smullin Center Auditorium in Medford. "If you want to be an askable parent, if a kid asks you a question, whether they're 4, 5, 7 or 14, there's only one answer: 'That's a good question,'" says the clinical psychologist who has appeared on "Oprah Winfrey" and other national television shows. Follow it up with research and careful thought that addresses the concern and then create an atmosphere conducive to conversation - a weekly family meeting, for instance, he says. Ideally, parents will start offering direct answers to kids' questions when their children are young, Gordon says. That's when most youngsters will wonder about basic reproduction and some of the feelings that accompany sexuality. By the time they're teenagers, a foundation will be in place for more complicated questions that require more complicated answers. The important thing, Gordon says, is to talk. "Parents are still involved in the myth that if you tell kids about sex, they'll do it," says Gordon, emeritus professor at Syracuse University and author of several books, including "The Teenage Survival Book" and "How Can You Tell if You're Really in Love?" Gordon's appearance is sponsored by the local chapter of Planned Parenthood, and he shares that agency's contention, backed by research, that comprehensive sexuality education leads to lower levels of teen pregnancy, abortion and sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS. Western European countries have vastly lower levels of those problems, primarily because they view sexuality as a right and a responsibility for everyone, including young people, Gordon says. "Knowledge is not harmful," he says. "Ignorance is harmful." Teens are curious about everything to do with sex, says Gordon, who frequently speaks to high school audiences and answers anonymous questions. "Common questions are: What size is the average penis? Why are guys not nice to girls and only fool around with them?" he says. A direct approach is best, says Gordon, especially in an era when school-based sex-ed programs are shying away from controversial subjects. "With schools focusing on abstinence, it's ever more compelling for parents to be the main sex education teachers for their children," Gordon says. "Why allow the media, which is quasi-pornographic, to be the educators of your children? " Today's sex-saturated media - ranging from music and television to the Internet and movies - exerts a powerful force, says Gordon. "It's practically impossible to keep the media influence away," he says. Instead, parents should teach their children to evaluate media images and messages in the context of their own values. And then, Gordon adds, parents should be prepared to guide them through poor choices and beyond. "Parents somehow need to convey to the children that nothing that will ever happen to them will be worse if they tell their parents about it," he says. "It's a parent's job to turn mistakes into lessons." In addition to Thursday's presentation, Gordon will appear on "The Rosemary and Garth Harrington" radio show from 7 to 8 a.m. today on KCMX radio, AM 880, and at 7 p.m. Wednesday at Barnes & Noble Booksellers in Medford. Reach reporter JoNel Aleccia at 776-4465, or e-mail [email protected] Mail Tribune Home | Ottaway Newspapers, Inc. | Dow Jones & Co., Inc. | Privacy | Contact Us Copyright � 2001 Mail Tribune, Inc.